Ooooh. That's a tough one... Maybe if this is something you really want to work on and you can feel yourself starting to go down that road (you can tell when your being rude before you say it and say it anyway), maybe it's worthwhile for you to try. If you don't want to work that hard on it, then I'd probably bail. Maybe there are more important things to focus on? I don't know, Sorry I don't have a better answer for you!

I am willing to put the effort in, I don't need it to be easy, I guess i just need it to be possible. i think it is a worthwhile challenge but i guess thats my question, is it something i need to do? Is it likely to be useful? I guess nobody can answer that question for me but I'm interested in other peoples experiences, I know some people here have male therapists but I don't know if thats something that has been a challenge for them or if that is just what they find most supportive.

i guess I do want to be able to have meaningful relationships with men and maybe this will help or it could just be that for me I naurally am more drawn to working with female therapists and there is nothing maladaptive about that and i may never be able to work with a male therapist and that has nothing to do with my experiences and has nothing to do with my wider relationships with men, I'm just not sure...

I'm not a fan of the male (therapist) persuasion, but being rude to your therapist is not gender biased. I have been rude to mine, I'm sure, AND I have been rude to Matt and he's not even my therapist:) If you think its important...then give it a shot...like scubagirl said you can always "bail', if you really don't click. Most important is you really have to like the person (male or female) your seeing, because who would want to share this stuff with someone we don't really like for whatever the reason. Take Care

I always tended to relate better to men than to women so I was looking for a male therapist. I'm seeing a female therapist now and I think it was worth the risk for me.
My first visit with her I told her that I thought a man would be better, that I am mistrustful of women and that I doubted she could help me at all. At the same time I was desperate for help and she is well known and well respected as an expert in trauma issues.
For me it has been totally worth it. She has told me that my initial reactions to her gave her a lot of clues about my "core issues" and so even that turned out to be beneficial.
I think that the gender of the therapist might not matter as much as skill though. It might be worth a try.

I have a male therapist but I didn't go to him expecting to deal with my rape trauma. I thought we were going to see him a few times to work through a family crisis...and then during one session I found myself so triggered that I ended up telling him I'd been raped...and he started talking about PTSD...and I decided I could no longer handle the pain and craziness, that I needed to finally work through all this junk.

If I hadn't begun this process in such a roundabout sort of way, I'm fairly certain I would have sought out a female therapist who specialized in rape counseling. But that's not what happened. To be honest, I don't think I would have decided to see a therapist about my rape. After all, I hadn't done it in almost 28 years. Sometimes I feel like God had to drag me in by the back door.

Despite all my recent rants against therapy, I really do like my therapist. Sometimes his being male raises issues for me. But there would be different issues raised for me if my therapist was female. So I guess, where I'm concerned, there is no ideal gender. My therapist has a lot of qualities that make it possible for ne to trust him enough so that we can do meaningful therapy. A big thing for me is that he gets all my issues with religion & church. I don't have to explain those things to him, because our backgrounds are similar in that area. He's got a good sense of humor and doesn't think it odd when suddenly, in the midst of some painful discussion, I'll interject something funny. He will use gentle sarcasm to make a point, and he can be really funny at times. He isn't afraid to be human at times. He isn't just listening to me with professional detachment. It took me a while to realize that he cared about the issue of rape on a personal level and wasn't just saying things to be therapeutic. (I actually asked him about this.)

But the biggest thing for me is this: sometimes when I'm telling him about something painful, I will realize that he is genuinely grieved for me. I can't begin to explain how healing this has been. I didn't think any male, outside of family and one close friend, could feel real sorrow for what I had gone through. At first, I thought this was really weird. Why on earth did my therapist seem so troubled by the painful parts of my story? Was this an act, some sort of technique? When he told me about the way he felt physically sick while reading my rape story, I was dumbfounded. A man would feel that way? I never expected that level of compassion from any man outside my family. It's been good for me to realize that not all men are wannabe rapists who ate secretly (or even openly) turned on by descriptions of rape.

For me, I've come to believe I couldn't have handpicked a better therapist for this part of my healing journey. And to think I sorta stumbled on him by "accident"...

Well, this is how it went for me. I had a male Psychiatrist way back when I first disclosed, and he and I had kind of an adversarial relationship, mostly due to me. I mean, I was, as you say...rude. I was actually very defiant to anything he suggested, and I didn't work with him at all. I was hospitalized for two months, and during that time, I must have smoked a lifetime full of cigarettes...(um, ceremonies), and I hadn't smoked prior to the hospital. I sat there daring him to ask me anything challenging, and I wasted the opportunity. But, they didn't know why I hated the sessions. I could have told them..."look around this room...count the people..see any similarities in this room and my account of my rape?" There was the Psychiatrist (male), his associate who was a Therapist (female), and a male student from some school somewhere, oh, and me. Same exact lineup from 'that' day. So, all in all, that didn't go well. Plus, I had huge issues with the female rapist, so, I didn't want anything to do with a woman...explaining a woman to me, or, whatever she might have tried to do.

I have never had a female therapist except in the hospital in New Orleans, and she was....different. I knew that was short-lived, and, my main Therapist was a man.

I prefer men. I think it is because of how I view them in regard to my trauma. I have been unfortunate, and also more blessed than I could ever imagine in finding the therapist I have now. He likes me, and that feels good to me...I mean, I believe he is genuine and not telling me what I want to hear. Telling me what I want to hear is how I view women. I know it stems from my rape, but, it is what it is, and I have enough in my life to sort through. So what if I am a little unfair in my thoughts about one little detail? Hopefully there is time to deal with that later.

I don't know about using a male as a form of therapy itself...to make yourself deal with men. I think it would be more beneficial if you addressed that right up front, and actually spoke to this man about your reservations. I'll bet, if he has been in this line of work long, you aren't the first one to have this problem.

I have had issues with my therapist over time, and many of them are journaled here. But, I have found that telling him when a thing is upsetting, or bothersome has helped me to be more confident in that chair. He has seen me at my worst, and he has seen me walk in there and smile. He has seen me passed out cold on the floor, and cowering in a corner of the bathroom in tears. The most important thing about our relationship is me being there - week after week - year after year. I show up, every appointment. If I couldn't work with him, I would tend to stop going, and get nowhere. So, gender aside, if you cannot show up...make a change that allows you to be involved in your own healing.

Leitha, you raised some good points. I especially like what you said about showing up every week, and talking about anything that is upsetting during therapy. I'm not always so good about the latter.

My therapist asked me fairly early on how I was able to trust a male therapist. I told him he had been highly recommended by a lifetime friend -- and I was desperate. Since then, my therapist has continued to earn my trust, mainly by his commitment to truth and his complete, unflinching acceptance of me. That has made it possible to disclose some really painful stuff and to be more open with him than I've ever been with anyone. That's crucial in therapy. I used to think male therapists had no business dealing with rape trauma (sorry, Matt!) but I've come to believe some things are way more important than gender.

StehtFest, I don't disagree. I've been really disappointed in the role of men in this work. Men who don't get it tend to misunderstand their clients' emotions and experiences. Men who DO get it can't help but respond compassionately to their clients' emotions and experiences, which is inevitably misconstrued than if the same compassion and investment were displayed by a female therapist.

Personally, I've seen both a female and a male, and it was interesting that the male therapist was less directive in sessions with me. I had to actually tell him that I felt like I was one therapist taking to another therapist, and that I wanted to be his *client* so that he could treat me and help me. It worked.

Yep I to have had both male and female. Initially I saw a lady but that didn't address much more than some surface issues I'm not sure I was ready to let out my experiences and nor would I allow her to get near enough emotionally. When I looked for a different counsellor, I deliberately wanted to find a male, I had realised that before the night of the rape I trusted men and related more easily to men and hoped that this would work it self out within the work. In fairness I could knit pick and find faults, but the bottom line is I could not overcome my experiences of the Rape and PTSD without someone who I trusted to be able to hold everything while I couldn't. He asked very early on was I raped which surprised me by his gentle directness (of course at this stage I said I wasn't but.........) and that was it likewise one session he asked me what I knew about PTSD knowing taking on another label would floor me, His concern and commitment to ensuring my safety throughout the sessions was obvious even though when I finally let him in to the entire evenings events there was no doubt he was both holding his own shock and anger I liked that humaness.

Thanks guys for your comments its useful to know what other peoples experiences have been and what has worked for you,

I personally think male therapists are the best! But that's a personal choice of mine :]

So I guess I'm saying do what you're most comfortable with because idk that being in an environment that's not secure feeling is healing friendly

or something lol

Both of my therapists have been female. There is a well known male therapist in the area who specializes in male survivors, but his waiting list is forever long and I don't want to drive to DC from VA for therapy. I want to be able to get home quickly after a bad session.

I saw Erin when I started dealing with the repressed memories in 2008. She was assigned to me through a local rape crisis program and was available to me for 8 sessions. After that, I purposefully chose a female therapist as I felt it would have been too easy and safe for me to have picked a male therapist. I needed therapy and I also needed to be challenged and validated by someone who shared the gender of my first rapist. I don't know if that makes sense to others, but it was part of my decision making when picking a therapist, aside from certification in EMDR, locality and reputation in the area.