Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
While I have my own syndicated blog, I like to write for other blogs on occasion as well. My latest piece of work is at the Good Men Project:
I’ve Got the T-Shirt and the Trauma Response to Go With It
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ive-got-the-t-shirt-and-the-trauma-response-to-go-with-it/
Excerpt:
As a vocal male survivor, when I’m not talking about sexual violence in writing or before audiences, I’m reading about it in many contexts and sources. A great deal of what I see on a daily basis is directed at men with the assumption that we know nothing about sexual violence or have no experiences that parallel those of female survivors.
Those making such arguments are often NOT sexual violence survivors themselves. Encountering such memes can be quite painful when you are a rape survivor yourself. The problem is not that female survivors receive the majority of the attention when sexual violence is discussed. The problem is that when sexual violence is discussed with regard to male survivors, there is often resistance, condescension, and outright mockery by people who quite often have not experienced such violence themselves. For those who have lived through abuse at the hands of women, that can be doubly wounding.
I’ve lived through sexual violence. I have my own story and my own experiences. I have my own triggers and my own issues. I don’t need to be educated. I don’t need to be taught what to do or not do. I don’t need any proven statistical bias to legitimize my life or my experiences. I lived it.
I’ve Got the T-Shirt and the Trauma Response to Go With It
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ive-got-the-t-shirt-and-the-trauma-response-to-go-with-it/
Excerpt:
As a vocal male survivor, when I’m not talking about sexual violence in writing or before audiences, I’m reading about it in many contexts and sources. A great deal of what I see on a daily basis is directed at men with the assumption that we know nothing about sexual violence or have no experiences that parallel those of female survivors.
Those making such arguments are often NOT sexual violence survivors themselves. Encountering such memes can be quite painful when you are a rape survivor yourself. The problem is not that female survivors receive the majority of the attention when sexual violence is discussed. The problem is that when sexual violence is discussed with regard to male survivors, there is often resistance, condescension, and outright mockery by people who quite often have not experienced such violence themselves. For those who have lived through abuse at the hands of women, that can be doubly wounding.
I’ve lived through sexual violence. I have my own story and my own experiences. I have my own triggers and my own issues. I don’t need to be educated. I don’t need to be taught what to do or not do. I don’t need any proven statistical bias to legitimize my life or my experiences. I lived it.
Believe us.
Don't assume we weren't affected just because we may go to great lengths to mask it.
Stop assuming we should have been able to fight it off, 'cuz apparently all men are Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer and Bruce Lee combined.
Don't rush to tell us that any one group has it worse than any other group. Suffering is individual and cannot be scientifically measured.
Listen more and talk a whole lot less.
Obviously, these can also apply to female survivors. :)
A great list!
<<Suzy I saw it the same way. I believe that the sentence and paragraph does not accurately portray the meaning. Just clearly what the offense is is not clear except by surmise. And James I hope perhaps you might look at the comments about that sentence to find a way to perhaps expound or expand on what is offensive. Cause for sure you are not offended that women have talked about suffering pstd but something else. Yet the sentence or paragraph doesn’t say that (even within the context of having read the whole the article). That’s all that Suzy is indicating.
I think that as human all day we are giving off signs that indicate who we are and what sort of person we are. Perhaps the issue here is that as a male victim one might particularly want to give off a protective vibe and yet if some female victims are saying they want men to act submissive around them well that’s kinda messed up. Especially when the female perpetrator demanded submission. No body should be demanding submission from another.>>
I don't think I am saying any of that in fact I just think that the meaning and intent of what you were bringing up got lost because of the placement and wording of this one sentence. And also not being as familiar with alot of the "feminist" blogo spere these days.
Personally I think people should talk a little on elevators and based upon most people little chit chat others agree. It puts people more a ease.
It is just safer that way. No one can claim I'm trying to do X, Y or Z. I just don't trust anymore.
I'm done with it.
"People were offended by something" is not the same thing as "that thing was offensive." It's impossible to make nearly ANY statement on the internet and not find a dozen people who will take offense at it, and that doesn't mean the problem lies with the original statement, or that it becomes the burden of its author to heal their offense. Heck, I was on a website on Monday that posted a photo to honor Dr. Martin Luther King in a very dignified manner. And guess what? A predictable "web fight" broke out in the comments because everyone who had a different point of view on race, civil rights, and Dr. King all felt that any variant perspective was OFFENSIVE and they all demanded that the other folks oblige!
Nor is disagreeing on an opinion the same thing as one person minimizing or disrespecting the other. That just needs to be an accepted starting point before even opening a web browser. If someone disagrees with me, it doesn't mean I've been abused or abusive, and it certainly doesn't obligate me to rework my worldview to suit them because they were "offended," for heaven's sake! We're adults, I have my "grown up pants" on, and it's not my job--or anyone else's--to make the world "offenseless."
I submit this even more controversial point: trying to rework every single written or uttered word to oblige every other person's "I took that in a way that offended me!" instinct is an ANTI-Survivor thing to do! Why? Because it presupposes that Survivors are delicate, thin-skinned, frail arguers who can't handle robust, dynamic, and thoughtful discussion of multiple points of view with toughness, insight, composure, and maturity. On the other hand, taking Survivors' abilities to do this for granted is a very empowered and respectful perspective, which also frees mature dialogue to flow without constant red herrings.
"I’m with you right up to the point where you talk about a “whole new level of offensive” in the controversy about women being afraid of men in elevators, because of concern that they might be raped. You say you yourself had trouble being alone in an elevator with women, and that you felt discomfort in other situations around strange women. Why then can’t you understand why some women might feel this way around men?
When I heard your story, I immediately understood why you’d feel uneasy, and if I had made you feel uneasy simply because I’m female, I would never take offense at that or take it personally. But strangely, you would find it offensive when women have that same fear? Why? Isn’t empathy your first response, given your experience?
Like: yeah, I know what it might feel like to be uncomfortable in an elevator with a stranger, and that it’s not anything directed personally at the stranger. Why is it somehow more offensive for women to assume that a man could have the potential to be a rapist, then it is for you to assume that a woman has that potential? I don’t think either case is offensive–it’s just that some people have good reason to struggle with trust."
Personally, I found it difficult to believe she had listened to what she had read. I think it is entirely plausible to believe she had come to the article from one perspective and couldn't see outside of that. Maybe reading suzy's commentary has affected the way some people process the original posting - this has been known to happen too.
I don't think a particular knowledge of the incident James was referring to was that important. As I said on the thread - "He isn’t forming an opinion on that issue at all... He only regales the point to help us to understand that he feels as women have said they do about strangers in elevators." Even without any knowledge of prior arguments, I dont see how saying you identify with women was invalidating them..that you don't identify with them and their fears. This is why suzy was one of the more left wingers.
http://andrewsullivan.thedailybeast.com/2012/01/when-women-rape-men.html
This was surprising and a little scary. :)