http://www.resurrectionafterrape.org/media/Rape%20-%20mens%20guide.pdf

This is a really good resource that EmpoweredOKC linked. I gave it to my boyfriend before we moved in together and I also gave it to my best friend at the time (a male). It helped them both. They just have to have an open mind to reading it. Good luck and hope to see you around here more.

I hate to say it, but I think a lot of men are still conditioned to not deal well with emotion (their own or a partner's)
Without knowing you or your husband, all I can say is that it's possible he thinks that he's showing love by his actions - being a "good provider", doing things around the house, etc - rather than by saying much in words or knowing how to show empathy. It's a perspective that I have some sympathy with, I'm a big believer in actions speaking louder than words ................. but it's possible to take anything to extremes.

(I had a slightly different problem with my ex-husband, he could be great at turning on the charm and knowing the 'right' things to say when it suited him - but then his real life behaviour always told a different story!)

Are you seeing a therapist yet, or do you have friends you can unburden yourself to?
It's also possible that your husband is struggling with his own feelings about your rape and simply doesn't know how to handle it.

I have to be extremely explicit with my husband at times, because what seems obvious to me is like dutch to him sometimes. I have to say will you hug me, I am scared can you hold me and then when he knows what I need he can't do enough knowing that he can help. (I also remind myself what his tatoo is and why it is there). Matts download is a great tool, however my husband didn't want to read it. The great thing with communication is that nothing is left to chance, though there is always the chance of difference of opinion.
Take Care
Deb

My husband tends to think he's being caring & supportive by "giving me my space". I have to spell things out for him as far as what I need.

There are also some things that are emotionally too hard for him to handle, and it makes him feel worse that he can't do anything to fix the situation. These things are too painful for him to talk about. The rape is one of them, although he has tried to offer support more recently.

It can be very distressing when we feel uncared for. There are some uncaring husbands out there, but there are also some nice guys who are just clueless or in denial.

Whew...I kind of wonder if we are married to the same man, lol.

I have to admit...(close your eyes Matt)...I have envied Tonya. To be married to a man who is sensitive and can actually hear you...and respond to you...wow! But, I accept that this is not the norm for many of us.

I have been married since 1975. I have married a man that I love. I believe he loves me. He knows most of the issues in my life - not all of them. The things he knows about my rape, I believe he wishes he didn't know. The details he was told, mostly were not by me. But, he has been told things that have tortured me for years - things I needed him to know. I believe the reason I need him to know certain things is more for me than it ever was for him. I mean by that, it was almost a 'security test' for me to inflict upon him certain details. Not the sexually explicit details, but the emotionally charged ones. Like, that I 'invited' my rapist over to my house. I had told a completely different version for many, many years. It was the version I could live with. Then, as I matured, and as time passed, I realized there were things I needed to gain his "forgiveness" for. No, I know I didn't set out to have these things happen to me, but I did have 'secrets', and it was the lies attached to those secrets that I wanted absolution for. That absolution could only come from him.

Last year, in a very low spot in my therapy, my husband joined me in my therapist's office. The one and only time he has been there. He admitted to my therapist that he has little to no appreciation for 'therapy', and he absolutley CANNOT be the one for me who is my 'go to' person. He cannot hear the things that I struggle with, cry over, crawl inside myself because of. He said it is "too painful".

On the outside of that sentiment it might sound very...appropriate, nice even. But to me, I wanted to scream, "YOU can't hear it....it is painful for YOU!! What the f**k do you think it is doing to ME?!!!" Instead, dutifully, kindly, I said, "I understand. I won't try to share this with you. I know it is ugly and it hurts you."

I do the same as you. I share that I AM hurting...that I am scared, or that I need to be held. Usually he will comply...to a degree. Often, there is the obligatory arm thrown over my quivering shoulders, and his breath resumes the measured, inhale/exhale pattern of a man asleep. I lye there thinking how nice it would be, just this once, to say exactly what is in my head. To cry and admit the painful things I harbor, and to hear his voice say to me the things that weekly I pay another man to say.

I wish this was easier, that I had more encouraging things to say. But, perhaps just knowing you are not targeted for this kind of behavior, that this is possibly just 'male'....well, just our males way of dealing, maybe that will help some.

The article Matt suggested - I downloaded and printed for my husband. I then actually read it to him...you see, he is not much on reading. I think the last book he read was probably in the third grade...maybe a Dr. Seuss thing, lol. Seriously, he did not read it. I read every line to him, and stopped frequently to make sure I hadn't read him to sleep. I know he would do better, could do better if he tried. But, simply put, I don't have the energy to learn for myself, and for him too. I want him beside me every step of the way. Since that isn't probable, I will accept him there at the finish line when I arrive. Problem is, I hope I am not too resentful to give him a huge hug and a kiss on the lips when that time comes.