Before I posted this, I was actually looking online for "sex over 35" to see if there was some legitimate reason (other than my past history being raped) that would make it ok for me not to want sex. Then thinking that I don't want sex makes me feel like I'm terrible because my husband is a good man and shouldn't have to put up with a lack of sex just because of me.

I don't understand myself sometimes. I don't want him to leave me, yet I don't want to jump in feet first to fix this sex stuff to keep him. If I was a teenager it would make sense -- the whole if he loves you it doesn't matter if you have sex or not -- but I'm not a teenager and I have been married for 7 years. I can't just hide from it but then I don't know why I want to.

When I think of him leaving, I think that he is the only one I'd ever be with anything so there's no point and since I don't do the sex outside of marriage thing if he leaves it's not like I'd be having sex anyway. So why do I get upset thinking I won't be able to work on this problem if he leaves, yet I'm hesitant to work on it if he is willing to stay.

I know I should probably just stay calm and see if this sex therapist even wants to work with us but I was at least honest with the hubby and told him I was scared of going. At this point the thought of going to meet with this sex therapist is right up there with the dentist and gynecologist -- necessary but I don't really want to go.

Grrr. I don't like this situation.

i will post more later, just to say i think your fears of sex therapy are quite understandable, And that I am sure that you and your husband can find a way through this.

that is to say that i think it would freak anyone out, let alone someone with 'our' background!

Hi HJ,

You put a lot of pressure on yourself for how you should be behaving! I think you deserve a lot of slack. You've been together a long time and he hasn't left yet and most likely isn't going to any time soon. It's good that you felt safe enough to admit to him that you feel scared. It doesn't matter how successful this therapy turns out to be - the important thing for your relationship is that you are trying to heal.

You ask about your fear of not being able to work on this but being scared of doing it... it sounds like most of my healing journey! It's only natural to feel scared about doing this..sex has been darkened by fear from rape and it's scary to be the level of vulnerability it takes to be sexually intimate with someone again. There is a huge amount of trust involved.

I said to my partner (especially in the beginning).. I am like a virgin in many ways. I am unsure, self conscious, a bit scared of even kissing. But, on top of that innocence, I have deep fears and pain. So it takes more than one successful attempt at any sexual activity for this to be "fixed". There will still be some fear, some tentativeness. I will still need reassuring.

For me, it's still a learning curve. I'm still learning about how my body reacts and can be locked in a trauma response but I also have some pure sex (sex with no memory intrusions or my body reacting like its rape). Maybe one day it will all be pure sex :)

I think you're incredibly brave to consider a sex therapist. It's something I would find really confronting and so I can really empathise with your anxieties of attending.

Maybe as part of the therapy you could consider making a contract between yourself and him. You promise to not run away and he promises to not leave. I think it would really help you if he could respond to that fear of him leaving if you arent able to provide sex. It's going to be a bumpy ride and sex may be a long way off...i think you'll need to know he has your back in this process

You're not alone in this...thinking of you

Thank you for commenting both of you. I haven't heard back from the place yet and I guess I've been stressed because the hubby left for a solo vacation on the first of July and won't be back until August. He was talking to his brother about your sex problems and his brother said that my husband was a better man than him as he would have left the situation probably a month into it. He's even offered my husband a place to stay if he wants to leave. I'm sad.

Why does sex have to make things so freaking complicated?!

I'm sorry to hear you will be apart for that long. Was it something you had planned and agreed together? I'm sorry too that his brother was not more supportive of you both - especially as I think you have been together for a long time. I can hear how hurtful what he said is to you.

My gut feeling with issues with 'sex' is that it is not usually the problem as it were but more a symptom of another problem - like not feeling close, or poor communication. It is such a special unique thing that it seems to be the first thing to be affected by other relationship issues. Is there an element of that with you both?

They think of it differently than we do. They are "mechanics"...in general, I mean. Men tend to see a need, think it needs fixing, and tweak until it "works". Not a lot of thought (or reading of instructions). We are so much different. But, I throughly get the issue of not being sure if I want to move toward a thing so painful and triggering. I don't know about sex therapy. I don't know if I could. I know there are things about my sex life I would desperately love to fix. But, at the same time, fixing it leaves me terrified and lonely. I hope you get the answers you need.

celtichope -- Originally his parents were going to come visit us but they ran into money problems and couldn't afford the trip. He was all bummed out and we looked at the possibility of his going to visit. I was aware of the visit, it wasn't until we started planning it out that he decided maybe he should turn it into time to think. Last year we were close to a trial separation when he changed his mind and said he didn't think leaving was what he wanted to do and he was willing to stick it out (We've been married for 7 yrs now).

I did a lot of writing about the sex. One of the issues is him telling me it doesn't work right. I try my best and he's not find it to be satisfactory, which then makes me feel defective. I tried to figure out all the reasons why I can relax enough and just do this supposedly normal biological function. Ive come up with the I'm leaving, I'm staying thing which makes it difficult to want to do stuff when I don't know if he really plans to stay, then there's the whole physical feeling that comes with sex that I don't really like how it feels, and then there is an on and off fear of pregnancy and the related fear of ejaculation. This last part is probably the most scary. It's the most out of control I feel.

Of course aside from that we have our conflict about money management / spending and doing chores. So there are stressors outside of sex but there is enough related to the sex to make it difficult since the sex problems were there before the other aspects of conflict.

Mbird -- I'm having that same fix it mind set. I was even to the point of saying, lets just keep trying until it works. He says this isn't something that you can practice away and the trying and it not working just makes him more frustrated.

Yeah. I get that. Running in tears to the closet...in the middle of it all isn't really a big mood enhancer. I say that from personal experience. But, I just refuse...somewhere in the back of my mind, to give up. I think my therapist says it is what we fuse love to that makes it workable. Like, in rape...sex is fused with violence. In abuse, the same is true...or, betrayal. But, in a healthy sexual relationship, sex gets fused with love, and it becomes more about the love, than about the sex. I do so wish you well with whatever decision you make.

I like that theory about what sex is fused to -- makes sense to me. Thank you for sharing it, Mbird.

HealingJourney, I wish I had some helpful advice to offer you. Know, though, that you have my support as you work through this situation. Stay strong. Hugs.

That is such a lovely concept Mbird. Really really helpful. Inspired!