HJ, I am so sure many, many of us here could have written what you have been brave enough to. There are many here who struggle with the issues of forgiveness, of marriage - and what that looks like for survivors actively seeking healing, for feeling that progress is sometimes so slow, it can feel like you are going backwards. I guess though, that is what makes us tribe! It is what helps us help each other, that is what connects us more than just the trauma we have been through.
Like you, I could not say 'I was raped' - it has taken me many many years to get to that point. It is hard work and some days I still cannot bring myself to say it. But, last weekend i was staying with a friend and was talking to her about my experience at the retreat, i was able to be open and honest with her. The next day, she said it was like talking to a different person than the one she had spoken to a few months ago! I was so chuffed! Other people may not realise how hard it is to get to that point, how incredibly hard - the nights of sleeplessness, the flashbacks, the nightmares etc etc - but when I write it here, you guys will totally get it and understand.
So, please don't feel that the bad days that sometimes run into weeks or months means that you are not progressing, you are not healing, you are not moving forwards. Just that desire to is enough. And that makes you part of the group here - very much a part of the group.

I agree with everything that unfurling said. I came here and I read the posts. I just could not believe what I was reading. However, I needed to find others. I could not say the words which I can't always say. However, I am better at it today than I was.

I could not believe that I truly belonged here. I am an incest survivor. I could not say that even a little while ago.

I had this feeling that I did not belong here. I decided that I would just keep coming here and plugging away. With persistence, I did feel that I belong here.

You are part of our tribe.

Before I came here I could say "I was raped," but still felt like I didn't fit in. I had originally consented and withdrew my consent during. He said he couldn't stop, and I just shut everything out. Yes, I could still feel the physical stuff, but mentally I wasn't there. I had gotten so used to not being listened to I didn't even think to say anything else. Another complicating factor was that we were in an area where any noise on my part would have caused problems.

Becuase my rape seemed so much different than everyone elses, it took the reassurance of a couple people to show me that what I experienced really did fall under the category of rape, and that I did belong here. I was caught up in the "I should have known better...." stuff. I was shown the inherent fault of that thinking, and realized that even though what I went through was so much different, I still belong in this tribe, because I survived.

I feel bad that I can't relate to individual situations sometimes, but I can offer support and understanding regardless. I can offer wisdom that comes from the heart when it applies, for some of it applies to all of us. I can't always say I know exactly how you feel, but I can try to understand and be empathetic.

I don't ask for support here, simply because I still feel like what I went through is so small compared to what others here have gone through. It seems so trivial. Sometimes it feels like it wouldn't be worth looking at period, except that it was the one thing that cemented and tied the realization that I'm not worth being listened to. I still face that, even today, especially when I try to talk to my husband about something and he interrupts me because he's not interested in what I have to talk about. Each time that happens, each time an idea that I have isn't what he wants to do, or goes against his plans, or won't work in his mind is another confirmation that I'm not worth listening to. It's something I struggle with, which is why I offer support, but rarely ask for it.

I sometimes feel like the outsider looking in, stepping into the circle when I can offer something pertinent, then backing out and listening from a distance. I've never really felt a part of any group, even the teams I've been on. I listen, do what I need to, then drop into the outskirts. Talking is rare, even though I do answer posts here, I rarely will create a post, because in my mind, my problems aren't worth taking the time of day to tell anyone. "Why would anyone be interested in me or what I need support/advice with? I don't really fit in, other people need support more than I do. I don't want to take anything away from anyone else."

I hope to consider myself part of the tribe, full-time, not just the part-time where I answer posts. I know it seems a little silly to consider myself a part-time member, but for me, right now, that's how it feels. I don't quite have the same types of stories, what I went through was close to nothing compared to what others here went through, and I need to stop comparing and minimizing, but that's something I haven't been able to do as of yet.

I think this is something everyone feels at some point or another. What is my role in the group? No idea! Do I need a role? For me, I think it is healthier not to have a box. I come here for support and I come here to see how everyone else is doing. I can't always respond to every topic and there always will be a sense of guilt every time that happens.

I have learnt it isn't something that I can be reassured about; when I feel I have no use in the group etc. it very much is part of my inner workings. The better I am doing in therapy or life and how that affects my sense of self; the more this reflected in how I deal here.

You might not feel like you fit but you do. The support isn't limited by how much you respond or whether you can say the rape word. The compassion is unlimited. What the blurb meant was really about your goals more than your actions. When I first came here I was still very much locked in a victim mindset - I wasn't shunned for this. Everyone was patient and watched as that changed the more I worked on healing. I just because I wanted to heal. That is all that is required. You don't go from wanting to heal, unfortunately, to healed in one step. Everybody knows the difficulties faced along the way.

Gentle huge if okay

Thanks to all of you that took time to reply to my post. I appreciate your honesty, thoughts and support.

It can often be hard to feel a "part of" rather than "apart from" because that's what our rapes did to us...it pulled us apart and, as a result, leaves us feeling like outsiders even in our own families; let alone in the groups we join for support. I've been one of those who have fluctuated from being very active in my groups here to not saying a thing for months on end...just reading posts and keeping my eyes on folks here. It isn't the ways in which we're different, but the ways in which we're the same. Our pain is the catalyst, our compassion is the cement, and our growth through it all is our reward. Please don't feel as if you're failing somehow when you have setbacks or difficulties...we ALL go through them.

I've often felt tha I should be "better" by now or "over it" so I can get on with my life, but you know what? It doesn't work that way and the emotions will hit us when and where they will. I still have my good and bad days...heck, there are days when I have to live by the moment because that's as good as it gets. Be gentle with yourself and don't beat yourself up. We hardly ever live up to our images of what we should appear or sem like here. Don't sweat it and just be yourself.

And now a note to Efrell: Please don't belittle or downplay what you went through. There is no "less than" or "more than" regarding rape. Each of us is here because we've been hurt in an incredibly personal and horrible way. Granted, there are those of us here who have gone through quite a lot, but we are all in this together...otherwise, we wouldn't be here. I'm an incest survivor, I've been raped more than once over the years (some of them very violent), and my last rape was by my husband. This doesn't qualify me to look down my nose at you and tell you that you don't have anything worthwhile to contribute or that you aren't "worthy" of my help if you need it. You're just as important and deserving of help as anyone else here. You are one of us, and we care...you are not alone.

Thanks for your thoughts Wasit.

I can on some level relate to Efrell. I can logically say that pain is pain but I do know how it can seem like what you go through doesn't look like what others might have gone through.

When I was doing hotline training back in the day, the survivor they brought in to speak to us had a truly horrible experience where she was beaten and left for dead in the woods. When I think about my own experience it's like how can I even compare to that?

I guess, In the end it's not about the degree of pain inflicted but just finding a way to make peace with whatever happened to each of us in the particular ways we need to.

How do we know we belong here...any of us?

Ask yourself this:

Why did I come to this place? What, in the very minutes I sat before a computer screen...plucked away at a keyboard...what is it that brought me to this place?

THAT is how we know we belong. Each of us had a moment in time, when, for us...the need to connect, and feel connected to, was so great, we were compelled to type the words that brought us here. For me, it was a sense of desperation that caused me to seek a connection. I had no idea there was a world full of people in the same pain as me.

HJ...did you read that? The words were placed with purpose -- "same pain".

You see, it isn't about the tragic events that we lived through. It isn't about whose trauma seems worse by whatever mental measuring stick we are burdened by. It is the desire to heal. It is that, no matte the details of our individual trauma, the pain we feel is so similar, yet so unique...we feel a connection to the effort to heal.

I have come here, time after time, and felt like I am a hindrance. Yet, I come. Why? Because, in 2008, for the first time ever, I found voices...words...truth...understanding. I found a place, and people who know, and who value me anyway. I struggle, yet am loved. I falter, yet am loved. I cry, yet am loved.

HJ...your screen name says it all. This is a journey we are on. Each of us stepped onto the path at a different place, at a different time in our lives. But, the common bond we find here is the desire to move forward on this path.

I have never read anywhere on here, not one time, that one of us has said, "I am stagnant, stuck...and I plan to make my home in just this place. I am not interested in moving one bit farther". I have seen evidence of that on the regular rape forum...(ugh! Did I actually type "regular rape"?...hope you all know what I meant...the 'general' rape forum, perhaps is better). Never here. In RAR, there is a distinct sense that we each have a desire to heal. We each work hard at it. And, even if we don't see open posts about it, we each have looked at those words and found ourselves wondering if we "belong".

It is a sad fact of life, that if we found this place - we needed to. I wish, with all that is in me, that you didn't belong here. Me either. But, I am happy that, if you had the need to seek a place of healing on this journey, that is is this place that you found.

I'm glad I found this place, as it has truly been a place of reflection, hope, and courage. We ask the difficult questions, and do so without fear of ridicule, or any negative responses. We are able to provide honest support, not just empty words that come from "general rape" forums and chat rooms. We are a smaller group, one that has a cohesion that the chat rooms don't have. I am very glad to be able to come here and know I have friends that I can trust, that will not put me down, or minimize what I've been through, though I minimize it pretty well myself. That is why you see me offer support, and rarely ask for it, even when I need to. I gain strength and courage from those of you here who write these posts, and I see the wisdom in them as well. I am humbled to be here, and to know all of you.

@ Mbird
When I saw your post asking why I came the light bulb went off. I guess I fit not so much because of what my experiences looked like but how I am choosing to work with those experiences now. How my healing looks (or I want it to look) fits with the group.

Thanks for giving me some much needed perspective.

@Efrell If you find comfort in how you work with the board that's great and I'm glad you have something that works yet I would hope that you would feel more comfortable that you could post your thoughts as you need to, especially when you feel like you need support.

Asking for support has never been a strong point for me. I found, early on that being listened to really wasn't important. I tried standing up for myself to get an assigned seat on the school bus so the kids at the next stop wouldn't push me into one every time they got on, didn't work, no assigned seat. When report cards came home I never got a "good job" on the 2 A's and 3 B's, it was always "Why did you get a C?" (in math, my worst subject). When I tried to kill myself at 15 and we were leaving the police liaison officer's office, not even 40 feet away my dad asked "Do we really need counseling for this?" In my heart and head I was screaming "What the hell do you think!?!?!?!" What I said was "no." I tried to kill myself to get my parents to listen to me, to understand that I was tired of moving, I was just getting comfortable where we were, after 4 years. I liked where we lived and I wanted to stay there. It fell on deaf ears. Six months later I was raped. When I told him to "stop" he didn't, and I froze and was trapped between being in my own body and feeling everything, and dissociating. It happened again the next night. Nobody knew because I never said anything. One, I wasn't supposed to be where I was, two, I didn't understand what happened, and three, I originally consented. I would have been in more trouble if I had said anything, my parents would have been furious with me. Besides, my mom had already gotten on to me and had made the comment that I was asking for trouble, and I ended up getting trouble.

As for the board, I've not been there in a long time, it was getting into too much drama and questioning if the people who were there were just looking for attention, or actually seeking companionship with other survivors. The shock factor and drama aspect were more than what I was interested in. I prefer being here, where the connection with others is more intimate. We don't have the turnover, nor the need for moderators to keep things from getting out of hand.

:Maybe one day I will get to the point where I can ask for what I need from my friends here, but for now, I offer more than I ask. All I ask is for friendship, and hopefully I'll be able to meet some of you at the retreat one year, but not this time around.

You're welcome.

Thank you too. You see, many of us feel just like you have. We sit back and don't admit how distant we feel. I hope you feel more, and more confident in your worth here. Your words are important. Your thoughts, shared here, they are important too. Thank you.

I learn from books, and from media of all sorts. But, the most valuable lessons I have learned are found right here, woven in and out of the thousands of words in these posts. Yours included. :-)

i think that the remarks about being here because we have chosen to be are spot on. That is, not chosen at all to be raped, but that we have chosen to join a place that is founded on understanding and a desire to be healed.

We, all of us, stumble on this healing path, including absolutely myself!

I think I have also come to realise that understanding and knowing helpful, right things to say are rare in the general world, but I so so often here people know just how to reach out with compassion on the issues we discuss. Even in this last week I have had messages from board members, who have said 'just' the right thing.

I really really value this place so much.