Geez Matt, none of the questions IN the book is this hard.....


My favorite 'story' from the book is actually Katie's story that starts on page 252. The purification ceremony and the remnants from the fire were moving and inspirational to me.

My favorite sentence...page 13 - "You aren't sure how to try different, so you keep trying the same things harder".

But, as far as my favorite SECTION..."....challenging your old beliefs about rape". The letters from the day before hold such intimate sincerity. The kindness and hope held in the words to the not-yet-affected are so powerful.

The exercise of writing to the day prior to the rape was both taxing and exhilarating to me. Your idea for that assignment was truly insightful. I wrote and wrote and just let my 'unharmed child' walk the child who would be raped through the impending terror, while holding out the promise of what survival would mean for her. I was able to find the final sentence, "I love you. Did you hear me? I said I love you, and I do." and write it with all I hold in my heart for that little girl lost.

For so many, this is the first time we were freely allowed to caress the part of ourselves injured by rape...our hope. In this section, hope is restored to us, in our own words.

I'm with Lethia,
I love the section "Begin challenging your old beliefs about rape"
As rape victims we are so hard on ourselves - why can't I do this right... I deserved it when ... I should have done this differently .. I should not have been at (such and such a place) ... maybe if I didn't wear that ... maybe I was too nice .. all of that you know what I'm talking about,
But when we comfort "someone else" (our younger self) we show the kindness, softness and forgiveness that we have for ourselves, we just don't give it to ourselves. We feel worthless to give it to ourselves, but putting it outward is easy. Learning to bring the forgiveness inward to ourselves is what I took away from the letters, that we can love and forgive ourselves, because we are worth it and deserve it.

For me....I began to feel true power on page 12 when I read..."The great lie of sexual assault is that it causes a permanent emotional wound that can never heal."

I had never heard anything like this ever before. I had always assumed that I would always be considered 'damaged' and therefore would always feel so as well. What a lie that was! That was a powerful thing to read and drew me much farther into this work...just knowing that this was an entirely different approach than I had ever been exposed to before.

I think some of the most important parts are those at the beginning that talk about responses to trauma, ptsd, etc. You remember when I started treatment, I didn't equate my self-injuring and depression to having been raped. I think it is so important for women out there, who are suffering in silence, to know that their feelings and actions don't make them crazy and weak, but make them normal!

I'm with Heckle on this one. When I found out that all the things/feelings/responses I was dealing with were rape related and NORMAL, it was an incredible thing. It was like being blind and suddenly seeing it all clearly... it made me sad (and angry), but at the same time extremely relieved and glad! It was huge for me.

I remember crying in my husbands arms one day two years ago because I'd found out that I was 'normal'. He still brings that up now and then, because it made him so happy. He knew how important it was to me to finally understand that. (BTW... he never thought I was 'abnormal'. That was all me and a closely guarded secret that I carried.)

I found myself underlining/highlighting many sentences (and entire paragraphs) in the "Changing Self-Talk" section: Dealing with stuck points, questions, hardships, and setbacks during recovery. I am especially struggling with the 3 inner guides within me, mostly the warrior and the victim. Some mornings, I wake up and I am ready to fight back and take a stand for all rape victims who couldn't report their attacks. I want to create a landmark case and change the world. [Background: I was unsatisfied with the outcome of my original detective's so-called investigation, so I wrote a letter to the police commander of the sex crimes unit (see my journal if you want to read my letter) to demand that my case be reopened and investigated by a competent, caring detective. Well, if you've ever heard "be careful what you wish for," I actually got what I wished for. And I'm shocked, thrilled, ecstatic, and scared to death, all at the same time. I am very impressed with my new detective's tactics and discoveries so far, but on the other hand, some of the new things he has uncovered about my rapist propels me to feel even more like a victim.] The victim inside my head is telling me I'm shameful, weak, scared, crazy, and foolish for ever believing I had a chance at getting my rapist prosecuted. And I should just hide away forever in a black hole.

I also benefited from the section about why men rape and why it happened to me. Matt said, "...nearly 100% of rape victims blame themselves in some way for their own rapes. This lends a lot of power to rapists, unintentionally, and as long as victims and survivors continue to swim in circles of self-blame, the REAL culprits continue to get more and more powerful and suffer less and less confrontation of their behaviors." This passage struck me because it rings so true. This is probably one of the passages that inspired me to write my complaint letter to my police dept. because I want to crush the perpetual cycle of self-blame and STOP rapists from stealing our power. They must be held accountable for their crimes, even when they attempt to make excuses, like "she didn't say no or fight back."

I also really, really loved the passage, "Seeing him does not sabotage your power." Since my rapist still attends my church just like nothing happened and I am constantly running into him almost every Sunday, I felt like he won and took my power. I have to remind myself that he's the fool who's continuing to believe he did nothing wrong and he can keep up his charade. I'm almost certain he's done it to other women since me. But then I remind myself that I'm a survivor and a fighter now, and he picked the wrong woman to mess with!!
The past 2â??3 times I've seen him, I don't say anything and my body just burns with raging fire inside and I just want to die. BUT the next time, I don't know if I'll be so silent. I'm typically not one to create a "scene" in public (especially not at my church), but I feel like people need to know who he really is. He's the guy who raped me!!

Wow, I guess that was quite a long response. (My fingers are shaking!)

I also agree with Heckle until I picked up this book, I, never even in therapy, put my behavior and being raped together. I really thought I was going nuts and reading about the responses to trauma has helped me tremendously to know I'm not nuts and the things I've done and let people do to me and how I've dealt with things are a direct result of being raped.

I have been reading the section (page s 146-152) on a personal history of being perfect and rape.

In this section, you could have been writing it about me, and to me. I recognize in that section just how it was possible for me to do the unimaginable after such a brutal rape...to remain silent.

I knew, or believed at the time, that I was afraid of the physical consequences; the discipline for having broken rules. But in reading this section, I see the deeper meaning for my silence.

And, in your last paragraph, where you describe why you wrote the section, you actualy give purpose to the actions that seemingly make no sense AFTER rape. You explain the self-destructive behaviors, that for so long had deepened my shame and sense of low self-worth. You tell me in this section that I am not defective or warped because I reacted to my rape the way that I did. For the first time, I can see that the actions I took were because of conditioning that I received throughout my life. For the first time, I can ask, "Being raised like I was, how could I have reacted any differently?"

******So, as far as sections of the book I like, this one speaks to me too. Where the first section I loved gives me permission to be kind to the child who was there, this section gives me permission to revolt against attitudes that were 'fed' to me as attributes.