Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
Earlier in the week I was having a rough time with my eating. As in not eating, afraid to eat. I knew it was bad. Hadn't been that way in quite a while. Told my husband I needed help because I couldn't push through the fear alone. In his attempt to give me a pep talk he said you could do it alone which then ticked me off because if I could I wouldn't be asking for his help. I managed to finally shove something in my mouth that night and the anxiety around eating hasn't totally gone away but I did eat a bit better after that initial shoving.
So I bring it up in therapy and she says it's because of my rapist.
She says I'm kidding myself if I say it's not.
There are all sorts of other things I"m stressed out about right now, why does it have to be about him?
She thinks my not wanting to wear short sleeved shirts or knee length skirts anymore has to do with him too. (not that I wore skirts around my rapist) I noticed that the way I dressed changed a lot over the years and I was wondering what happened. She says -- you know what happened.
Even after all that why is it is so important it not be about him? Why do I fight her that it isn't him? I guess that's the real question. Grrr.
So I bring it up in therapy and she says it's because of my rapist.
She says I'm kidding myself if I say it's not.
There are all sorts of other things I"m stressed out about right now, why does it have to be about him?
She thinks my not wanting to wear short sleeved shirts or knee length skirts anymore has to do with him too. (not that I wore skirts around my rapist) I noticed that the way I dressed changed a lot over the years and I was wondering what happened. She says -- you know what happened.
Even after all that why is it is so important it not be about him? Why do I fight her that it isn't him? I guess that's the real question. Grrr.
You can have stresses that are in no way, shape or form, related to the rape. Don't let your fish make it all about the rape. She can't really know if it is or isn't, she can only make educated guesses, and those aren't always correct. If you feel it is unrelated, it probably is, so go with it.
I don't know if it is or not related.
My rapist did resurface in my life recently so I can understand why she would think it is related. I guess my problem has always been minimizing and being in denial of what happened with him so I suppose my pattern of having it be anything other than related to him is difficult for me to know what is really about him vs my being in denial.
I think the others are right though, not all roads lead back to rape, but equally, some roads do lead from it that we would rather not think about.
I changed the way I dressed because of rape - because of what people expected me to dress like in the aftermath but then along the way I got older and out of my teens..and the way I dressed naturally changed too.
Another question...what would it mean if it was all about the rapist?
Would that mean you were actually affected by rape? Is this something that scares you?
@ heptet -- if it was about the rapist then it would mean I'm not as "fixed" as I want to be. I still hide from the fact it happened. Once I contemplated going to a rape survivors group but chickened out because I didn't want to run the risk of running into anyone that I might have taught or could end up teaching. I get that I supposedly have nothing to be ashamed and that's what I tell someone else but my rape didn't look like it did on TV, I backed out too late and even though technically it was rape, I stayed with the creep. And all the hindsight in the world as to why I stayed and put up with all of it for as long as I did doesn't make me feel any more able to say it out loud to others. Which I guess if I feel mine "doesn't count" ticks me off that it has caused me so many disruptions. But perhaps it really isn't about the warped sex that went out but more the general anxiety and fear that was produced about being with someone who was such a creep. So maybe it isn't rape related but just the rest of it?? Not textbook DV not texbook SA but I seem to be impacted by all of it somehow regardless. This stinks.
In the aftermath, my family wanted me to become the TV version of the rape victim. On the way home from the police exam I talked about college and a party I knew was coming up...anything but the ordeal I had just been through. Apparently, I shouldn't have done that because it gave the police the wrong impression. I didn't want to think it had affected me so I went out partying and sleeping around because if I could have sex then, clearly, the rape hadn't bothered me. I didn't become the hermit mouse who flinched at the presence of a man that the media portrayed at the time.
This rape and my internet abuser are the ones I am publicly vocal about; where I use my real name etc. I guess what I am trying to say is that your rape doesn't need to be "perfect" to be accepted or acceptable. There are many reasons why women stay in an abusive situation and there are so many different facets of these relationships that the only true textbook about DV or SA is that there is no textbook case.
I totally get what you are feeling though..that difference between what you know and what you feel
@ Heptet - I know it doesn't have to be "perfect" it's just hard sometimes to feel like an outsider even in a group of individuals that share a common experience, if just in name only. I know that isn't saying I'm perceived as an outsider, I just feel like I am one and that's my own doing. No one here has tried to make me feel like my experiences didn't count, I seem to be the only one doing that.
The way one does such a feat is to make everything clear cut just shy of sterotype. You always know who the bad guys are because they're practically are wearing signs on their foreheads. And even if they aren't, the creepy music whenever he gives that warm smile is a dead give away.
In real life there is no sound track reminding you of the real story and the creeps look just like everyone else. In short, not looking like TV is normal.