Firstly I want to say I don't feel good about the the things i said the other night. I know that I have broken the trust of a lot of you and violated a safe place for you and I no longer feel my membership here will be of any benifit for anyboy here including myself.



However I am not writing this post just to aplogise. Although I know my reaction was wrong I do not feel entirely unprovoked. I have been reading the things that have been written since my departure and some of them have made me quite angry. What pushed me to react the way I did was feeling like I wasn't being heard or understood and I want to write this post to try and get some closure.



Firstly my reason for believing I was to be excluded from this group was because I was told that this 'idea' wasn't open for public discussion and that all the people who needed to know about it already knew: this is what I know and I don't think it was too presumptous to suggest this meant that I was not invited to this group



Now here is what imagened a number of you outside this group had discussed this idea to start a group with a limited membership, (not an open invite) limited at least initially to those involved in this discussion: I inferred this by the 'the people who need to know already know' comment



I later feel that I had this suspision confirmed by said group being started as a private group that members had to be invited to join by the powers that be. Now I want to be clear that I do not object to a separate group being started, I think it is a good idea, I think it is the exclusive membership and the picking and choosing of who belongs that I object to



I also want to be clear finallytime, Mockingbird and anybody else who I offended by referencing you, i was not suggesting that you had done anything wrong or trying to offend you I was just suggesting names of people who I assumed would have been included in this club and from take everything backs recent post where she does choose to name names I was not incorrect.



The reason i choose to name names is that I don't see how people don't understand how hurtful it is for those of us who are for whatever reason not part of this 'inner circle' (and sorry I don't know what else to call it) to see it referenced all the time or if not referenced then inferred. I have heard mention many many times of 'new people' and how this group has changed 'since all the new people joined' or 'since the retreat' I think comments like this are extremely exclusive and while i don't begrudge you realtionships I don't see how you can make these comments and then suggest that you are open and welcoming to everybody who uses this group. I for one was a regular member of this forum long before the retreat. I would suggest the only thing that has changed since the retreat is some peoples relationships, I don't see any differences in the posts here. Some of you guys have become tighter which is great unfortuently that may also have led to some of you becoming less open to other members to protect this closeness



In response to comments that I was invited to join this group and that I reacted in fury. I think you got that the wrong way round my reaction happened before I was invited to join that group and I will never know if I would have been invited otherwise and to be honest that is not what is important to me



I would also say Empowered refering to your comments that 'some people don't know what an inappropriate comment is' there is a difference in knowing what is appropriate and choosing to behave appropriately, I think you know that and I find your comments patronising. I understand why you deleted my comments I was out of line and I'm sorry for that but that does not give you the right to patronise me



I appreciate those of you who have attempted to stick up for me or have reached out to me and I am sorry that this has resluted in you getting some rude responses. The fact that nobody called this person out for writing a response that I know would be hurtful I find staggering. Am I the only one who sees these things or do some of you choose to remain silent? This is what I have found hardest to deal with in this group at times. it is not that people say hurtful things maybe they realise they are doing it maybe they don't what bothers me is that there are too many people who support and reinforce these hurtful comments or else stand aside and say nothing



I just want to say that I have no problem with any individual member of this group so many of you have supported and helped me in so many ways but I can no longer tolerate the mentality of the overall group and I don't see it changing any time soon.



I am sorry that my post is so long and but I didn't want to leave things the way things were so there it is