I want to share this with you, because my heart is full and about to burst with joy.

I have a young woman, 25, who is sharing her rape story for the first time in about 30 minutes. She has worked so hard for this day to come, from "I don't want to talk about it" to "I am SO ready to get this cancer/parasite out!" She is shaking and terrified, and going through intermittent bouts of "I hate Matt; why is he making me do this?" (exactly as was predicted to her by someone else who went through it too--"you're gonna HATE Matt during this, but trust him", she was told. *A-hem, cough*, S!).

Just moments ago, she came into my office and said she was worried she was becoming psychotic because of a bizarre dream she had. She told me, "I dreamed that an Indian was burning some bundles of plants, and using a feather to push the smoke all over me." She verified to me that she does not know what this means, and has never seen this act represented anywhere; it was a new and unique image to her.

My jaw dropped. "Close the door."

I had the same dream last night.

This is a ceremony called "smudging" that we do as an act of purification. It uses sage--which is a woman's medicine (the only medicine women can use during their moon time/period, in fact), and the smoke from it is "washed" over a woman with a Golden Eagle wing feather to ritually and prayerfully denote cleansing and purification. It's a private ceremony, and can only be performed by a Native person who has been ritually clean themselves; I've never used alcohol or drugs my whole life specifically so I can be eligible to do this for Survivors who request it. In my dream, I was told she needed this ceremony after her therapy today, but I set the dream aside this morning because, hey, she's not Indian, right? She doesn't know about this stuff, so this must just be my imagination, right?

Only she comes to me with the same dream. Her husband told her, "you have to tell Matt about this."

I showed her that I keep a cedar box behind me on the window shelf, with sage and an Eagle feather in it. I opened it and showed her, and she gasped--"that's EXACTLY what I just saw! I could even smell it in my dream!" I gave her a stem of sage, and she took in its scent. "That's it!! That's what I smelled!"

She continued, "You don't think I'm crazy?"

"No. I think you're holy. You're going to win."

"I feel like I already have", she said. Her shakes and terrors are gone, and she is ready to share her rape with all of us now. She and i both said this felt like spiritual confirmation she is being taken care of, and this difficult work is going to be okay.

Afterward, she and I are going alone to perform this ceremony.

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Next story:

I have a man in my group, mid-30s, and a dad of two boys. He shared something in group yesterday I want to share here, too. For confidentiality, his name is "N".

N said that during the group he has listened to each of the women talk about their rapes, and how it has affected their trust, their sex lives, their body image, their substance abuse, and their panic. He shared that his wife had been the victim of an attempted rape years ago (for those who may not know, attempted rapes have the SAME symptoms of PTSD that a competed rape does). He addressed a young woman, C (the same from the story above) and said, "your work in this group has really helped me. It has opened my eyes."

N explained that he had been a jerk to his wife for the early years of their marriage, pressuring her for sex and pestering her about her lack of sex drive. She had finally blurted out about her sexual assault, which had struck him and confused him. Nevertheless, he hadn't changed his approach, and had continued to pressure her and criticize her for her traumatic reactions.

During this group, he realized why his approach had been wrong. He sat down with his wife this weekend and very gently apologized to her. "I know why my response was wrong. I always knew it was wrong, but I didn't know what the right response should have been. I am so sorry; I hurt you and treated you like a broken woman. You're not. I need to ask for forgiveness, and I need to promise you my kindness and support, and to pledge that I am going to learn about this issue so that we can be partners in this work."

His wife said a weight had been lifted, and she finally told her complete story to him on Saturday. N said, "this is the best gift I have received from being in therapy. I have a marriage back. I have my wife's trust back. I am starting to understand my role as a man in this, instead of seeing it as 'her' issue that she has to deal with, while I impatiently judge and critique."

C became amazed that her own work in therapy had inspired that change in him, and said aloud that this was the first time she saw her story as something she can treat with pride and reverence, not with shame and concealment. C said that it helped change her view of herself to one of being an advocate, not a victim. No longer, C said, would she see rape as the issue that she can't handle, can't talk about, can't write about, and can't overcome. She pledged yesterday to take it on, share her story, reach out to men and women both, and stop hating and hurting her body. She said, "if I had know that my story could help a woman who I've never even met, I would have begun using my story in a healing way a long time ago."