Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
Today was spent at the Oklahoma State Capital with hundreds of people who represent counselors, advocates, program staff, and survivors who are organized to support sexual assault and domestic violence services. The rotunda of the capital was filled with us! Around the center rotunda, we set up "silent Witnesses"--the red silhouettes that represent fatalities from domestic violence.
At the center of all of it was the beautiful Survivor's Quilt, made from the fabric pieces that many of you designed at last year's retreat! Without a doubt, it was the most spectacular thing on display. People stood and stared at it for minutes at a time, reading every piece of it, taking pictures, and asking for the stories about how it was conceived. When we told them about the retreat, people were so excited, so happy, to hear that this is happening right in Oklahoma!
Two women came up to me and told me that I had saved their lives (they weren't together; they came on their own). That's a heavy thing to hear, so I wasn't sure how to even respond. They said that the "RAR" book has made a huge difference to them, and that years of suffering had finally come to an end as they worked through the program with their therapists. Two counselors also told me that they use RAR in all their work, and one even teaches a class and tells her students to buy the book! I showed them LTS, and they were stunned by it--one program wants to buy them to give to all their clients now.
I was also approached by three other women who wanted to tell me that they had friends who had been using RAR, and it had changed them. One woman began to cry and said that she had known her friend for eight years, and "nothing had made her any better until she started your book." I told her that I appreciated it, but that the glory and honor go back to her friend entirely. It's nice to know something I've done has helped, but that's where it ends--it's not about me, it's about their lives, their futures. They're doing the hard work. The woman said that her friend just glows now, and has a happy job and treats herself so well today. Oh, and this friend of hers is coming in May to the retreat, too!
So this was a good day. I got to see how much the retreat and the book are making an impact. If more people knew about the retreat, so many would want to come that we could do them every weekend!
At the center of all of it was the beautiful Survivor's Quilt, made from the fabric pieces that many of you designed at last year's retreat! Without a doubt, it was the most spectacular thing on display. People stood and stared at it for minutes at a time, reading every piece of it, taking pictures, and asking for the stories about how it was conceived. When we told them about the retreat, people were so excited, so happy, to hear that this is happening right in Oklahoma!
Two women came up to me and told me that I had saved their lives (they weren't together; they came on their own). That's a heavy thing to hear, so I wasn't sure how to even respond. They said that the "RAR" book has made a huge difference to them, and that years of suffering had finally come to an end as they worked through the program with their therapists. Two counselors also told me that they use RAR in all their work, and one even teaches a class and tells her students to buy the book! I showed them LTS, and they were stunned by it--one program wants to buy them to give to all their clients now.
I was also approached by three other women who wanted to tell me that they had friends who had been using RAR, and it had changed them. One woman began to cry and said that she had known her friend for eight years, and "nothing had made her any better until she started your book." I told her that I appreciated it, but that the glory and honor go back to her friend entirely. It's nice to know something I've done has helped, but that's where it ends--it's not about me, it's about their lives, their futures. They're doing the hard work. The woman said that her friend just glows now, and has a happy job and treats herself so well today. Oh, and this friend of hers is coming in May to the retreat, too!
So this was a good day. I got to see how much the retreat and the book are making an impact. If more people knew about the retreat, so many would want to come that we could do them every weekend!
One of my favorite Audre Lorde passages goes, "When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak.”
I can understand the discomfort in hearing from someone "you saved my life", especially when you know from the trenches just how much work that woman had to have put into the process to even be receptive to your words. I can imagine you saying in your heart - "but she saved her own life - I just put a few roadsigns in place".
I think there is another aspect to this: RAR deals with weighty matters. If it doesn't help save lives it wouldn't be doing what it is supposed to be doing. A fire fighter wouldn't be much use if he didn't know how to do things that save houses. An E-R doctor wouldn't be much use if he didn't know how to stablize patients in medical crisis. For that matter, a babysitter wouldn't be much use if he/she didn't know how to care for kids. And a book like RAR wouldn't be much use if it didn't help turn lives around.
So this is a confirmation, not of some overwhelming power you have, nor of a survivor's failing to take responsibility for their own achievements, but rather a sign that you were just doing what you were meant to do. You listened to your intuition. You took a risk to turn that intuition into words that others could read (and judge). You distilled your experience. You allowed your compassion and insight to shine through rather than getting lost in academic t-crossing And you wrote a book that worked.
That's wonderful.
(oh and you might want to run the 'we could do this every weekend' thing past Tonya!!! )
Have you actually kept my physical body alive? No. Was it you that stopped me from taking handfuls of pills? Also no. Is it your voice that tells me not to get really friendly with a razor blade from time to time? It is not. Is it you forcing me to eat every day? Hardly. That was all me.... Is it you that makes sure I put a seatbelt on every time I get in a car? Not at all (That one is my daughter's voice, actually).
Matt. The work you have done has saved my life still. The books, the website. The knowledge that I have gained that has been so empowering for me... THIS site, where I have friends, and support and understanding and comfort where otherwise I probably would not....
Do you know that two years ago (ish) I googled "rape support group" and this site was the first one that popped up on my browser. And I stared at it for a good long while before I decided to join.... (also my choice)
Do you know that the other day at fish's office I told her I don't think men know how to love (among other things)... and after asking me about my father, and stepfather, and boyfriends and friends, she said, "and what about Matt? does he love his family? does he know how to love? does he care about anyone other than himself?" and it stopped me in my tracks... Not to put pressure or responsibility on you that is not rightfully yours, but just so you know.... All you have done means SO MUCH. To so many people....
Personally, I totally understand the whole not taking credit for my own worth thing.... but at least take credit for the work you have done. For all of us, because if you can't be proud of the work you have done, how can I be proud of the work I have done? Because after all... well, it was this group of women you have brought together that made me feel like I could do this work, and that my life is worth it.
So Matt, thank you. For saving my life. I will NEVER forget it.
I love that you have so much great feedback from RAR and that LTS is making such great strides in the short amount of time it's been in publication. I have given away 3 copies, and will continue to until the need isn't there anymore. Sadly, I don't think that will be anytime soon, so I'll keep buying copies ;)