Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
I'm dealing with some stuff right now so if I"m not my usual self posting replies to others this is why.
1) Hubby is wanting a time out with our marriage for the third time now in almost 6 years. The actual time out won't be happening until July when he has time off from work. I'm trying to stay calm but it's not always easy. I'm trying not to think of the the worst and hope for the best but I am afraid that this time out we might not get back together. I know I need to try to stay positive but it's not easy when his unhappiness has been there for so long. I've had my moments of being upset with things too but I can probably live with the things that frustrate me about him a lot more easily than he can deal with things that frustrate that him about me. For example, if he doesn't put the dishes in the sink repeatedly, I can manage with that and it's something I can take care of myself. The lack of sex /affection is a lot more difficult for him, it's not something he can just fix.
2) A conversation I had with my mother where I opened up about some things that happened with my ex sort of took a nasty turn when she said a comment that I don't think she meant to hurt me, that ended up hurting me. She knew that my rapist had contacted me last year to apologize, she asked if I was still talking to him. I said not really except for occasionally through a game we both happen to play online. My husband is aware of this and claims that as long as I'm ok with things, he's ok with things. My mother questioned whether my husband really is ok with it and then proceeds to say that maybe he's not okay because my ex got something from me that my husband doesn't (meaning sex). I got upset and said that my ex didn't GET anything from me. She then says ok what he TOOK. I told her that everything I am told is that the two things are supposed to be different and not the same and I just started crying and she said that she was sorry and that maybe she didn't understand things.
3) Something happened where my physical space got invaded and I got afraid. This happened with someone that I should be safe with and logically know I am safe with but for that moment I was afraid. I fight with myself between what is acceptable to feel uncomfortable about and what is just a reaction to old stuff. It wasn't even that bad and then when I hear myself say it, I question if I'm just minimizing like I did so many times before with my ex. I don't like that I question things so much. I don't like that I try to tease out what is a real reaction and what is just an overreaction. -- That being said this is what happened. I was in the shower, and hubby gets in. this is atypical behavior. There have been times we have been in the shower together but usually it is agreed upon. he just got in there and I asked him what he was doing and he said just being affectionate and I was feeling really weirded out. It's like I didn't know what was going on or what to do. He asked if my squirming was because I liked it or didn't like it. I told him he had taken me by surprise and I wasn't sure how to handle this. he got upset saying that all he's trying to do is be affectionate with his wife and he stormed off. I felt so messed up for a while. I didn't want to look at him, didn't even want to be in the same room with him. We eventually talked about it. he was disappointed that I got so upset over it. Not like he was angry but more so that he'd like it if I were someone that he could be spontaneously affectionate with and not someone like me who needs to understand what he's doing and why and gets all stressed when it comes to physical contact.
1) Hubby is wanting a time out with our marriage for the third time now in almost 6 years. The actual time out won't be happening until July when he has time off from work. I'm trying to stay calm but it's not always easy. I'm trying not to think of the the worst and hope for the best but I am afraid that this time out we might not get back together. I know I need to try to stay positive but it's not easy when his unhappiness has been there for so long. I've had my moments of being upset with things too but I can probably live with the things that frustrate me about him a lot more easily than he can deal with things that frustrate that him about me. For example, if he doesn't put the dishes in the sink repeatedly, I can manage with that and it's something I can take care of myself. The lack of sex /affection is a lot more difficult for him, it's not something he can just fix.
2) A conversation I had with my mother where I opened up about some things that happened with my ex sort of took a nasty turn when she said a comment that I don't think she meant to hurt me, that ended up hurting me. She knew that my rapist had contacted me last year to apologize, she asked if I was still talking to him. I said not really except for occasionally through a game we both happen to play online. My husband is aware of this and claims that as long as I'm ok with things, he's ok with things. My mother questioned whether my husband really is ok with it and then proceeds to say that maybe he's not okay because my ex got something from me that my husband doesn't (meaning sex). I got upset and said that my ex didn't GET anything from me. She then says ok what he TOOK. I told her that everything I am told is that the two things are supposed to be different and not the same and I just started crying and she said that she was sorry and that maybe she didn't understand things.
3) Something happened where my physical space got invaded and I got afraid. This happened with someone that I should be safe with and logically know I am safe with but for that moment I was afraid. I fight with myself between what is acceptable to feel uncomfortable about and what is just a reaction to old stuff. It wasn't even that bad and then when I hear myself say it, I question if I'm just minimizing like I did so many times before with my ex. I don't like that I question things so much. I don't like that I try to tease out what is a real reaction and what is just an overreaction. -- That being said this is what happened. I was in the shower, and hubby gets in. this is atypical behavior. There have been times we have been in the shower together but usually it is agreed upon. he just got in there and I asked him what he was doing and he said just being affectionate and I was feeling really weirded out. It's like I didn't know what was going on or what to do. He asked if my squirming was because I liked it or didn't like it. I told him he had taken me by surprise and I wasn't sure how to handle this. he got upset saying that all he's trying to do is be affectionate with his wife and he stormed off. I felt so messed up for a while. I didn't want to look at him, didn't even want to be in the same room with him. We eventually talked about it. he was disappointed that I got so upset over it. Not like he was angry but more so that he'd like it if I were someone that he could be spontaneously affectionate with and not someone like me who needs to understand what he's doing and why and gets all stressed when it comes to physical contact.
<<I told her that everything I am told is that the two things are supposed to be different and not the same and I just started crying and she said that she was sorry and that maybe she didn't understand things. >>
I hope that the time away will give him a chance to reassess everything, and that it turns out in a way that's best for both of you. It may not be the way that you want it to be, but if it's best, then that's what needs to be done.