Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
Long story short a little over a year ago my rapist made contact to apologize for what he'd done. (10 years after the fact) Once I opened the door for that communication, I never quite managed to close it. I'm not sure what messed up parts of my brain were in control saying that it would be ok to allow for communication to occur even if it was infrequent. Anyway, here I am a year later and after three people trying to tell me that he shouldn't be a part of my life at all, I finally realized that even limited communication was creating issues even though I tried to convince myself it was all ok and this was some of my own brand of systematic desensitization. What better way to get over the fear of your rapist than to have the occasional chat with him, right? So anyway I struggled with all sorts of feelings about having the sporadic communication and the cutting off all contact.
The person that initially introduced the idea of cutting off all contact said I needed to be explicit and not just avoid him and put up with any random texts as they come up but to actually say I can't talk to you anymore. That freaked me out because the last time I said I didn't want to have anything to do with him things got really nasty.
Well, I went through with the formal cutting off all contact on Monday it happened via text message. I know he got it because he made a few comments in between and so far the world is still standing. I am dealing with a huge bunch of feelings that are all over the place but ultimately I have to believe that I did the right thing.
I think one of the things I realized is that if I could somehow be ok with him I could convince myself that everything would be ok. Truth is there was a lot that wasn't ok and I have to face that and deal with it but maybe with him not popping into my life with a random text ever couple of months I can finally manage to move forward and not stay stuck.
The person that initially introduced the idea of cutting off all contact said I needed to be explicit and not just avoid him and put up with any random texts as they come up but to actually say I can't talk to you anymore. That freaked me out because the last time I said I didn't want to have anything to do with him things got really nasty.
Well, I went through with the formal cutting off all contact on Monday it happened via text message. I know he got it because he made a few comments in between and so far the world is still standing. I am dealing with a huge bunch of feelings that are all over the place but ultimately I have to believe that I did the right thing.
I think one of the things I realized is that if I could somehow be ok with him I could convince myself that everything would be ok. Truth is there was a lot that wasn't ok and I have to face that and deal with it but maybe with him not popping into my life with a random text ever couple of months I can finally manage to move forward and not stay stuck.
I told him to leave me alone. He started sending me cards. Finally I sent a few of them back, unopened, with a letter saying "I made myself clear, do not contact me." He hasn't since, I only have had to see him once in the last 2 years for my brother's wedding.
It's difficult, he is still my father, and it's hard to tell myself "no, you don't want your father, you want the ideal of a father, which is not who your father is." and to tell myself that over and over. I also have to remind myself repeatedly that I have come a very long way since I made this decision to stop traumatizing myself. To stop allowing myself to live in fear of his obsession with me.
Anyway, I'm babbling, congradulations on this very difficult move. I hope it proves as beneficial to you as it did for me.
@ APieceofMyHeart - I appreciate your thoughts, I don't see it as babbling.
I think you have done amazingly to cut off contact. It is so difficult to do that