Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
Be safe as you read since this post deals with rapists and apologies and relapse prevention. Consider yourself Trigger Warned.
Long story short 6 months ago my exboyfriend/rapist made contact with me through a mutual acquaintance. There had been no communication between us for 10 years. He wanted to apologize for what he had done. He called everything exactly what it was and confessed to more than I thought he would. He was worried about what his actions had done to me. His actions seem to have genuinely disturbed him.
He indicated that he's been fearful of having another relationship because he's worried he might repeat behaviors and really does not want to. He feels isolated with no one to talk to.
I started to realize that there's nothing out there for him. No place for him to get support to deal with his demons. The "victim" has all sorts of message forums and hotlines and chat rooms to go to when they feel overwhelmed by their experience and need to talk to others who understand without judgment .
The perpetrator on the other hand has nothing to turn to. I know that it's rare that a perpetrator owns up to their offenses and wants to change but it does happen. There's no hope for an offender in denial but when one can admit their offenses and not only admit them but it disturbs them, I see hope for change.
Sex offender treatment works on the principles of relapse prevention and has borrowed a lot from the field of addictions treatment. Those who are substance abusers have support groups and sponsors to call to help keep them from relapse.
If the goal of sexual violence prevention work is to prevent rape, how can society work to provide sexual offenders a way to come forward and get help without getting the evil eye or a swarm of protestors? How can something safe be created for perpetrators who really want to commit to change?
Am I alone with these sorts of thoughts?
Long story short 6 months ago my exboyfriend/rapist made contact with me through a mutual acquaintance. There had been no communication between us for 10 years. He wanted to apologize for what he had done. He called everything exactly what it was and confessed to more than I thought he would. He was worried about what his actions had done to me. His actions seem to have genuinely disturbed him.
He indicated that he's been fearful of having another relationship because he's worried he might repeat behaviors and really does not want to. He feels isolated with no one to talk to.
I started to realize that there's nothing out there for him. No place for him to get support to deal with his demons. The "victim" has all sorts of message forums and hotlines and chat rooms to go to when they feel overwhelmed by their experience and need to talk to others who understand without judgment .
The perpetrator on the other hand has nothing to turn to. I know that it's rare that a perpetrator owns up to their offenses and wants to change but it does happen. There's no hope for an offender in denial but when one can admit their offenses and not only admit them but it disturbs them, I see hope for change.
Sex offender treatment works on the principles of relapse prevention and has borrowed a lot from the field of addictions treatment. Those who are substance abusers have support groups and sponsors to call to help keep them from relapse.
If the goal of sexual violence prevention work is to prevent rape, how can society work to provide sexual offenders a way to come forward and get help without getting the evil eye or a swarm of protestors? How can something safe be created for perpetrators who really want to commit to change?
Am I alone with these sorts of thoughts?
If he was really concerned with the effect he had on you, believing he may have traumatised you, then he wouldn't have aggravated that by contacting you now looking for answers to his problem. He may well feel some guilt but I feel it was self serving especially to go on about his own fears and to load onto you the responsibility of helping him not rape again.
There is help for rapists but I don't believe it lies in support groups where they could feed off of each others deeds and fantasies. I think it lies in individual therapy but even then it isn't a cure. Rapists have a lot of skill in manipulating people. I don't believe in the rehab of rapists. The only thing I really believe in is decent sex education as a prevention tactic
Even if none such is available, I'd strongly recommend you avoid stepping into the gap, no matter how compassionate or skillful a listener you are. For one, although part of the process of transformation is coming to terms with his impact on you, another part of the healing process involves only him, his attitudes towards himself, and his future behavior. When we're personally involved it is very difficult to create the kind of self-emptying other-focus that is necessary to give him the emotional space he needs for this process. But even if you were able to achieve such detachment, I doubt it would be a good thing for you. In order to heal from your own experience, you need to be present to yourself and own your experience.
Even if none such is available, I'd strongly recommend you avoid stepping into the gap, no matter how compassionate or skillful a listener you are. For one, although part of the process of transformation is coming to terms with his impact on you, another part of the healing process involves only him, his attitudes towards himself, and his future behavior. When we're personally involved it is very difficult to create the kind of self-emptying other-focus that is necessary to give someone the emotional space they need for their process. But even if you were able to achieve such detachment, I doubt it would be a good thing for you. In order to heal, we need to be present to ourselves and our own experience.
@Elisheva I realize that it's not my responsibility to make things better for him and logically I know that ultimately his future behavior is on him. I guess it's just difficult for me to ignore a plea for help even if it comes from my rapist. I'm not saying that I need to be the one to provide that help but it would be nice to point him in a direction that could give him what he needs. And maybe the more I really sit with this the more I always felt like if he were to hurt someone else it would be partly my fault for not having accepted what he did to me as a criminal act and act accordingly. When my friends car window was smashed, we called the police, when my body was the target I ignored the crime. I can't go back and change how I handled things but as much responsibility as I had given myself for the rapes I also gave myself the same responsibility to anything he might do to someone else for my not having done "the right thing" after it happened.
I guess for some reason to see it as a criminal act worthy of a jail sentence just makes it hurt a whole lot more than me seeing it as sex I didn't really like. Even if I were to go back to that first night I don't know that I could see myself doing anything any differently after the fact. Before hand maybe, but after, I don't think so. I guess i need to figure out why. Why are his criminal acts excusable but not those of other rapists. Like somehow he would need to ambush people out on the street for me to acknowledge criminal activity. Or maybe its less about his actions but more about me. Like somehow it would be criminal against someone else but not criminal against me. Am I really in this much denial still?