Hi and welcome - there are no rules at all about who can join and it certainly does not depend on where you are in your healing. I am glad you have found the book and the sites, for many of us here, they have been instrumental in our healing.
In terms of the 'no crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts' - again there are no rules exactly - certainly none written down. I guess, if you read back through many of the previous posts , you will get the general idea about the kinds of things we write about, the things we help each other through, things that we challenge each other with and things we banter about. In terms of crisis, we are very aware of our own limitations, none of us are therapists (aka fish - don't ask!!!), and if you are feeling in crisis as in unable to cope or suicidal, then it is not that we are not here for you, but we would suggest that you sought real life people to help you.
Conflicts are possibly trickier - we do disagree over certain things, and that is certainly not a problem, but if it becomes personal or damaging to the group, then the thread might need a bit of re-direction. But that does not mean there is censorship, just that we are careful to not to damage each other further.
Having said all of that, please feel free to write things on your heart, you may want to put some things in your journal, rather than 'out there' for anyone to read. But that is your choice. If you want to write your 'story' or truth in detail, then please put a 'trigger warning' at the top so that people are forewarned that there are potentially distressing details in the post and then have the choice about whether they read it or not, particularly if they are feeling fragile. You may want to get to know us a bit first, before you write too much, but that is by no means me telling you not to. Please feel free to join in with the other discussions too - some of them descend (?) into hilarity and craziness, others do not.
Sorry, i have gone on and on, I am sure others here will write their take on it too, but welcome to this group, I hope you will find us welcoming and helpful in your healing

Welcome! The "no crisis" thing just means that we're not qualified to manage someone who expresses suicidal thoughts or seeks intervention for self-harm--anything that critical ought to be managed by a qualifies professional in person. That's all...Unfurling said it well, and vigorous discussion of tough issues is absolutely par for the course here. But it's always done as a group of friends.

Welcome, glad you found this place!

After not finding a way to reply back to anyone I switched from Firefox to Safari and magically the reply button appeared. However, it seems that I can only reply to my own post and not to a particular reply that was given to me.

Unfurling your response was helpful to me and I don't see any need to apologize for "going on and on", I saw it as a thorough explanation related to my question.

I think I understand the "rules" now. Thanks.

That is how it works on the forum. It isn't like Facebook so much. You may interact privately through messages to individuals, depending on their privacy settings. But, the premise is an "open" (among members of this forum) discussion of any and all things recovery related. When this group was first formed, around the time of the first edition of RAR (short version of the book title), there had been some, "growing pains" amongst some who seemed bent on conflict...stirring the proverbial pot, so to speak. Matt was the sole administrator of the site (as it's founder), and it seemed appropriate to have a few, "rules of the road" as DS likes to call them. There hasn't been any rudeness, or mean-spirited confrontation here. Our focus is, and has always been, on healing. We write, very openly, of the triggers, painful issues of our days, and nights, and...we also break into discussions completely off track. We are even known to "jump track" in a single post that begins about a simple question about relationships...or sexuality...or fantasy...or, pretty much anything, and the next thing you know, we are happily discussing new music...what we are planning for dinner...or, some other topic that has nothing to do with the original post. There is humor here. There is bonding and closeness, but there is none of the argumentative posts like you may see in the general rape forum. We are culturally diverse...politically diverse...religiously and spiritually diverse, and we are singularly focused on the healing of each person here.

There is nothing you cannot write about here. If you have a question that there is nowhere else to take it -- you may bring it here. If you have a therapist you need to "vent" about...or "rave" about -- you are free to do it here. You may get confused over some of the posts...the ones about "Fish"...that is code for therapists. Fishing expeditions, therefore, are therapy sessions...you get it, right?

We are a protective group, and, as sad as it is to state it - there have been those who have come to this wondrous place, where we find such safety, and their only goal was to wreak havoc with lies and lurking. We spot them rather quickly, because they do not take too long to "out" themselves. So, there is a hedge of protection we take pride in. There is not one person active in this forum that I feel distant from. I hope you soon feel the same way. I hope you find what you need here. Me, I found a voice. I found acceptance of ugly images, painted with pretty words I had learned to hide behind for decades. I found friends who gently guide me when I am in a tailspin, and who ignite depth of thought I never imagined was possible. I found respect, and I found respectable people where painful conversations are made less so. I love these people, and I hope you will understand, and be tolerant of any hesitancy you may encounter...we may "sound" like we are "there"...at the pinnacle of healing. We are at varying stations of healed, so, new is scary...but we are always welcoming.

Please, journal...discuss to open posts...and post anything you want to. We will promise to handle your truth with respect and care.

My name is Leitha...aka Mockingbird12...currently known as Mbird53, (it is a long story). Welcome to RAR!

Welcome. I am glad that you found us.

I'm glad you found your way here. I can't say enough about how much this group has helped me heal...and how much they have made me laugh.

I'm glad you found this forum. I was lucky enough to find it from Matt in one of our conversations. It is a safe haven, moreso than some of the other forums, and more close knit. You will find friends here that are understanding, non-judgemental (as much as we can humanly be), and helpful to the best of our abilitles. As Matt said, we are not all-knowing, and some things, such as crisis situations need to be handled by professionals in your area. If you're not sure what a crisis is, or if you are in crisis, then it's in your best interest to assume you are and call your local crisis line. You don't have to be at the point of "going to the hospital" to be in crisis, sometimes you are to the point where you really need a real person to talk to, and nobody really meets that need.

Yes, there are lively discussions, serious discussions, and just plain, every day discussions. There are thoughtful answers, revelations and realizations in posts, even in replies to serious questions. We learn from each other, about each other, and about ourselves, all at the same time, and we grow stronger in the process. There is no point which you have to be in your healing to participate, learning from each other doesn't understand healing levels as much as it does the insight of the others. Sometimes our replies are learning experiences in and of themselves, things we didn't realize until we saw them here, in writing. They can be "Ah hah" moments, sometimes they can be "OMG" moments, we never know. You will not find fish here, maybe what fishing expeditions have taught us, or some of what our fish have said about one thing or another. We are just other hurt individuals trying to make a safe place to say what we feel, what we need, and be with others who have been in the same basic position as we are, even if it is only vaguely. We all have something we contribute, however. It's called friendship and understanding, even if it's not perfect.

In short, welcome, you are amongst friends. Where ever you are in your healing journey, you will find support here.

Hey there! It sounds like you have been fully brought up to speed on the board. I'm glad you found the board and hope you get as much from it as most of us have.


I'm not sure what Leitha was talking about, us getting off track on some posts ...we are perfectly focused. *wink wink*

Also, if you're going through RAR and it gets hard, don't start to worry that "this is terrible for me! I must be the only one who struggles..."

Go ahead. Just ask who here has thrown that book across the room. Go ahead.

Welcome, I guess you can tell we all feel pretty safe here. You will hear talk about our Tribe, and lots of other stuff that will not take you long to catch on(to. I would look thru our past here and read things that sound like something you might want to listen to. I can tell you there is a lot of very serious stuff here, along with a good laugh or two.
It is the one place I have felt I could openly ask questions and get answers from women I respect and trust are not here for any other reason than to gain healing and help others in their journey.

OT (off topic) Are you a Harry Potter Fan???? OR Twilight???

Thrown the book? Why, I find it hard to believe that anyone here would ever throw that dear, precious volume that is filled with nothing but sweetness and light, cute kittens and soft little bunny rabbits. I am just shocked...SHOCKED, I tell you...that Matt would even hint that any of us would go so far as to set the book down in a slightly less than gentle way.

OK, sarcasm off. Yeah, I've sent it flying across the room. At one point, I was tempted to whap Matt over the head with it. Good thing he's halfway across the country. Besides, he's so tall I'm not sure I could reach his head.

Welcome! I wanted to also restress that it is ok to talk about the rape, to call it rape, to even talk about details about what happened. If you need and want feedback or just to vent, posts like that are completely OK. Some people like post some of their RAR journal exercises for feedback.

When it comes to heavy or explicit stuff the only thing we ask is that you connect what you write to your feelings or sense of meaning, or if you aren't sure, to say so: "I don't know what to feel. what it means". The only time I've ever seen difficulty with explicit posts is one person who posted a lot of in your face details and then lashed out at others when they asked her what she felt about it. Many of us felt like she was more interested in the shock value than in healing or feedback. No one here needs to be shocked into believing rape is bad. We've all lived through it first hand and we know very well how bad it is. Since the purpose of RAR exercises is to help connect to feelings and beliefs related to the rape, you are very unlikely to ever post anything out of line if you want to post your response to one of the RAR journalling exercises or a summary of one of your own journaling explorations.

People here are in all different places here. Some are taking first steps to healing. Some have been pondering what they feel and think about what happened to them for years or even decades! Some are taking emotional breaks and just want to joke around and stay connected with survivors until they are ready to get back into things.

Some are primarily focused on a struggle with the psychological fallout from rape, which can sometimes be severe. Others are focused on activism. Still others engage in intellectual and emotional exploration of the cultural, spiritual, or religious implications of living in a world where rape happens. Yet others shine at building connections between people. Some move back and forth between a focus on activism/others and a focus on their own healing.

We are of different ages and were raped at different ages. Some grew up in homes where sexual violations were part of daily life. Some grew up in safe environments but were attacked by a teen peer or peers. Some had never experienced anything but respect until they were attacked well into adulthood. What holds us together is not our sameness,, but our common belief that each person's experiences and differences adds a little bit to understanding the whole picture of this thing called rape.

In terms of deciding where to post - privately in a journal or on the RAR board, a couple of things to keep in mind:

a) posting publicly is how people get to know you. Some people will not friend someone until they read something publicly that they connect to.

b) google indexes public posts. If you want to preserve anonymity, it is important not to put any identifying information (phone numbers, emails, full name, etc) in RAR group posts. Anonymity may help you feel freer to say what you need to say publicly so preserving it is something worth considering

c) safety is relative. We can't control who reads public RAR posts. The most we can do is shut down someone who replies in hurtful ways and shows no regret or effort at change. It can be very affirming to see a nasty shut down, so a silent lurker who starts speaking up is not necessarily a bad experience at the end of the day. On the other hand, if the possibility of unsavory silent lurkers is discomforting to you, a public on-line group may not be the right place for you. There are forums like Pandora's Acquarium or After the Silence where even readers are members only.

Whatever you chose the important thing is that you are comfortable enough to open up and get to know people. Many of us find it really helps to know other survivors who "get it" so much that they can move easily from serious discussions of rape and triggers to silly discussions about the proper word for the not-so-green patch in front of your house and the size of a Thanksgiving turkey.

Once again, welcome!

Efrell said:
"You will not find fish here, maybe what fishing expeditions have taught us, or some of what our fish have said about one thing or another."

By this statement do you mean that this forum is peer support so whatever our day jobs might be they don't really factor in? So like if someone was a nurse they wouldn't provide any medical advice.

AutumnFawn said:
"OT (off topic) Are you a Harry Potter Fan???? OR Twilight???"

I don't really know anything about Twilight other than it has something to do with vampires and werewolves . As for Harry Potter I've seen the movies but wouldn't say that I was exactly a fan.

Elisheva wrote:
"There are forums like Pandora's Acquarium or After the Silence where even readers are members only."

Thanks for the posting safety info. I'm familiar with the Pandora's set up and I initially avoided websites like that because I had to join and be approved but more recently I found comfort in the fact that it is hidden. I guess having a more openly viewable space is really what it's all about now. Not that I'd be providing personal info but I'm in a place where I need to stop hiding from my experiences.

To others that have welcomed me - Thank you.

I find myself writing a lot more in depth here than I would at Pandys and that is because of the atmosphere here. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it is searchable in google so if I want to write about people known to me I try to make sure it isn't so explicit (in the sense of recognisable conversation or habits) so that I'm not identifiable. Every now and again I might change my username. My partner knows my username but I trust that he doesn't search me.

I guess it really depends what you're comfortable with and where you click. I'm quite happy to go really deep in my exploration here because the support given is phenomenal and like no other place. It is both challenging and compassionate. Here is a place of real healing if you want to be challenged to move forward :)

I volunteer on Pandys so if you have any questions about there feel free to message me