Needhelp - it's okay. I understand what your saying and often I feel the same as you.

I worry that my H will get sick of my whining. Although, I really don't whine, bring it up, or throw out rude comments. I think I'm really good about what I say. Here (DS) is a different story, here I can whine all I want to :)

Often I think of years down the road. Will he cheat again? I didn't think he would do it the first time, and he did. What happens when another woman starts to show him some attention? Will he get caught up again in an A? My friend says I think to far ahead and perhaps I do.

I don't know how long it's been for you, but it will get better. It will never be the same, but it will improve. Looking back, this whole year has been a difficult year all the way around. Relationships and marriages are difficult on the daily basis just with the regular crap that's involved (kids, money, etc.). When you through an affair on top of all that regular shit, OMG. I cried a lot!!! H would get angry and yell and scream and I would cry.

I have to say it's getting better. We're making it through the A. We're healing and falling in love again with one another. It seemed like after the confession everything at our house kept breaking down. The dryer quit working, both cars went to shit, you know it. But you know, all of that made us that much stronger now. You couldn't tell us that then, but looking back now, I know I did.

I know all of this is supposed to make us stronger, build our character, etc. but most of the time I wish I could go back to the way things were before. Before the A, before I learned that it doesn't matter who my H gets attention from, before my world was turned upside-down. I know that sounds really selfish. I wasn't a selfish person before the A. But I did think I was special to my H and now I know I'm not. So now I'm an ordinary, selfish person with mood swings, anxiety and depression. I feel that I've been knocked down the rungs of the ladder so many times, I've broken the rungs, which makes climbing more difficult. I'm just venting, too, but I want you to know I understand. Let's hope for better days ahead...

Yes, Dawn. I feel your pain and I understand exactly what you write. I don't feel special either, the way I once did. But you know, I am special, I am begginning to see it. My H just lost sight of my specialness. Really, he sees just how special I am on a daily basis, and I know that's hard for him. He wanted me to be a bad, horrible person when he was having his A. He portrayed me this way to himself and others during his A. But, he was wrong, as I would have been if the shoe were on the other foot. I am a great person, and he sees that clearly now. He was and is lucky and blessed to have me. I'm so glad I'm not him, because if I were I'd spend the rest of my days worried that he would leave me for someone more worthy. That's not my plan at all, I do see him as worthy, but I'm just saying if it were me and the shoe was on the other foot - that's what would be on my mind - constantly!

Take care, Dawn. We're going to make it!

I wish so badly that we could go back in time to Dawn to the pre-A days and live there forever. Just remember, this happened for a reason, and we're going to get something out of it, I don't know what yet, but I really believe this.

I believe it is possible to feel special again. I know I do, but my H has worked so hard on rebuilding. But we didn't get there overnight...it's been a long 22 months. For a long time it was 3 steps forward and 4 steps back.

Needhope, that is how I feel everyday, that he will leave me for someone more worthy. But then I keep replaying Dane Cook in My Best Friends Girl where he is telling the girl that he was afraid at first that no one would like him because he isn't worthy enough for them but then he got to thinking that he was a better person with them, making him now worthy enough, if that makes sense lol.

I am 22 months out too and it took a lot of work and self reflection on both our parts to come out on the other side of this. I do feel special too because like loving, my H has worked so hard at proving that I am the special woman that's always been in his life... he just lost sight of it for a bit.

With all of the sorting out post affair, we have come to realize that he was befriending this woman at work despite my constant warnings about her. My H has come to recognize the slippery slope that he was on in the very beginning before they were friends really... listening to her problems, allowing her to cry in his office, driving with her to events at school, taking her phone calls after work hours. All of this stuff happened WAY before the PA, it was a developing EA and he didn't recognize it at the time.

We've set some ground rules regarding friendships with women. He as well as I have seen that if he would allow a woman to vent her life to him, an inappropriate friendship develops which invariably sends the wrong message to her. So as long as they are a shoulder to cry on or is receptive to the flirting, the woman will never stop. It's up to our H's to recognize that. Boundaries have to be set.

You girls are special or they wouldn't be there... cut yourself some slack... it takes time.

I too warned my H about the OW. I could tell she liked him years before anything happened. I also knew she was in a crappy marriage. Sometimes I wonder if my telling him that stroked his ego and contributed to the issue.

Opposite sex friendships are NEVER a good idea IMO. Never.

loving, I've thought about that also but I don't think that it did. As a matter of fact we've talked about that a lot. He tried to distance himself, I answered his phone when she called to show that I'm on to her calls, early on in their friendship. He would talk about her... hell, everyone at school talked about her and how needy she was and how she only talked to the married men...

Five months before the SA started she came to his room at an out of town school event. They kissed for the first time but they never talked about it again. When he was out of town for school in July (the month her divorce became final), she started e-mailing him with suggestive flirtatious crap. The stage was set because the boundaries weren't there. He was giving her the wrong messages from the get go.

I firmly believe that if I had told her off in the very beginning about the phone calls and the crying in his office she would've laid off. She thought everything she was telling H was between them... it wasn't... until the e-mails started...

Well, I have to admit that it hurts my feelings to hear that you all feel so special again. I am jealous, and I don't like it. My H is working to rebuild, too. But I still don't feel special. I don't feel good enough for him. I don't feel good enough for me, either. What we had before made me believe that he thought I was the only one for him the way I feel he is the only one for me. I thought our love was reciprocal. I thought our marriage was secure. I am just pathetically selfish because I don't feel special anymore. The thing is, nobody ever gave me the right to be special in the first place. I need to be satisfied with being ordinary and imperfect. I need to accept my life as it is, not as I want it to be.

For the record, it just happened to me. In a wierd, doesn't make sense kinda way. I wrote a journal entry about it. We'll feeling excellent was nice while it lasted. I'm sure I'll feel it another time.

I always thought our relationship was "above" such things. I knew we were special. Turns out, not so much. I am lucky that my H relaized what he did and is doing everything he can to MAKE me feel special again. I know he is lucky to have me and he remembers that too. Will it last when life gets in the way? Dont know. If I stop feeling special again i will leave. Life is too short to be married to someone who doesnt appreciate how valuable you are.

Marriage should be about being able to laugh together when things outside are bad. I just tell my self to remember the bigger picture. As newlyweds most of us had nothing and were ridiculously happy...

Dawn I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Have you explored this?

A major part of our healing is that we have to mourn and grieve the marriage that we thought we had. This includes the innocence and trust that comes from feeling absolutely safe and secure. We have to mourn it and move past that marriage if we are to build a new one. It doesn't mean that our healing is complete but it means that we can move into the next stages of dealing with it. I too thought that I was the only woman he would ever be with. It turned out that I wasn't. But it wasn't because I wasn't special, it was because he screwed up the whole works.

The acceptance of that loss is one of the hardest things that I had to come to terms with. Neither one of us was ever with another person sexually... ever. I thought that was sooooo special. It's not anymore. He trashed that bond of exclusivity. That was hard to take. He also shattered our 30th anniversary when he moved out 4 days before and moved in with the OW for a week. I didn't know where he was but later I found out that he woke up with her and went to sleep with her on our 30th anniversary. BUT, none of this was my fault. None of this was because I wasn't good enough.

You're not pathetic because you want to feel special. You have to love yourself first before you can see that others love you too even if the dynamics have changed.

I haven written my H a letter called I am angry. I listed all the things I am angry and hurt about. I told him that I was writing it and that I would send it to him. I need him to understand what his mistake has cost me.