Wow :-).
Smiling through the tears :-)
My husband asked me the other day if I want him to join DS or think that he should join.
I do not see him doing this and I am ok with him reading what I show him/want him to read.
I sure am going to show him this :-)

That's great Allora. I sure hope to hear those words soon.

I have a dumb question about this sharing of DS with your CS. How did you approach it? I've sent my CS many links and articles as well as quotes that have helped me. He generally doesn't reply, but to say he got it. Otherwise, we never discuss what I sent. He's not overtly active in my recovery of course. Although, he will ask sometimes how my therapy sessions went.

My H is computer illiterate or not very interested. He is aware that I go here and has never asked or shown any interest at all. I had hoped he would but now am kind of used to it. I'll refer to it when I tell him things about how different people react to cheating me specially when it results in oc. The majority that result in oc have a completely different reaction than I do.

But Allora, glad your hubby has taken interest. Good to see that kind of support.

Mine was here and he told OW about it because 'she needed the help'..so she came here, stalked him, FRIENDED him, asked him out. He had to cancel his ID. Then told me he doesn't need to be here.
She is gone now, but he really needs to be on DS. I thought maybe he would really open up. I still feel he has lots of secrets. That is why we have never healed. He is still holding back. I feel like he leads his life and we aren't really together. That we are as close as HE wants us to be. My needs still aren't being met. I don't want to nag. FInally you just get tired of asking. Looking at these posts, it appears that most men don't want to participate. I wonder what they are afraid of? I can only say they are afraid of something...of being honest? of having to soul search? of finding out who they really are? When my H and I have a disagreement, he swears its the worse. OMG!! I tell him its only what I feel or what I am thinking and no matter how bad/good it is, what is wrong with letting him know? The truth is the truth. It IS what it IS. Why is it they see it as a bad thing to say it? THEY HATE conflict! In business with other men, they don't mind. But when its about affairs of the heart, or feelings, they would rather act as though it doesn't exist.

If any men want to join, I would welcome their points of view. Only good can come through communication.

That's great he is willing to do that. I think us men tend to have an aversion to "asking for help." We like to think we are strong enough to handle it. My W's affair is the first time in my life I've joined any kind of support group or gone to counseling. Looking back, I realize I should have done that a long, long time ago. Our pride can get in the way of seeking help when we need it. My marriage could have been so much better many years ago if I had the sense to seek help when things didn't go right. But like many others, I just figured it was the ups and downs of marriage and hoped time would fix things. Instead, we grew used to it and let it continue to eat away at our love.

I used an analogy in my book on this. Back in college, one chapel service they showed a slideshow of all the spots on campus a visitor might notice that were trashy, peeling paint, and a big one, a dirt trail that cut across the mall. Most of us were horrified. We'd gotten so used to it being there, that we ignored it. So nothing was ever done to fix it. When they let out chapel that day, no one walked across the mall on the dirt trail, butt stayed on the sidewalks. And it remained that way to the day I graduated.

Our marriages can be that way too. Stuff that should be fixed are ignored and no longer noticed. It takes something like an affair for some to see it and do something about it.

But I think it is a little easier for my situation on the support group thing, being it was my W who had the A. A woman tends to like to talk out things, whereas men tend not to. My main reason for seeking out a support group was for my wife's sake, so she could get help, and as a replacement for her online sex chat friends. I got helped in the process, but you see, even my motivation wasn't primarily to help myself, though I was attracted to the journaling to write out my story to help me make sense of it all. Which did help me. But I initially started looking for an online support group for her, not me. So we've been on this site together from day one.

Glad he has joined, and I suspect he may find he gets more out of this than he thought he would. And that can't but help both of you. :)