Has she tried craigslist for appliances? 22 is very young she has plenty of time to turn her life around.

Young adult children issues are hard to deal with. Texy's right, your D is young she has time to come out on top. It's also hard not to help when they are so seemingly helpless to make good decisions.

Don't worry about the state of the rental... it's their problem. If they want a clean tub they'll clean it...

Talk with your H about some ground rules and stick to them... it's the only way.

Good luck and vent anytime...

Im so sorry you are going thru all that. I agree with the post above, you and H should talk talk talk and try to get on the same page.

Craigslist is a great idea - you have to keep checking back pretty often to find good stuff but it's a great way to pick up a used appliance that's still in good condition.

I can't tell from your post - does your daughter have a job? Maybe you could help her find one. Or maybe offer to babysit sometimes so she can work extra hours? Just trying to think of ways you can feel helpful without spending money.

Sending you good thoughts -

Hugs,
Morgan

22 is still very young...she still needs advice, direction and help from her parents in my opinion...just to get her back on track...
why is she living with this other woman and child?
that seems to be a situation that is not normal for a 22 yr. old and of no benefit at all to her...
does your daughter have a child also? is she on drugs?
would you consider having her come back home and live with you while she gets a job and begins saving money.... and/or decides to start going to school for some kind of vocational training? not necessarily college....

would she be too disruptive to your household? are there psychological problems? does she need to be on meds?

it sounds as if she really needs a break at this point and to be helped to get back on track...

don't give her any money..obviously she can't handle it... instead if she dropped this friend and came home and syarted working.. I would ask for rent etc. and tell her that i would put it all in an account for her..so that she would have a nest egg for a deposit on a new apartment and money for her other expenses...

what is the nature of her relationship with this 'friend'....?
there are jobs out there... if you are not afraid to roll up your sleeves and work...
there was a guy on the news last week..that traveled all around the U.S. and managed to get a job in every single state..

She won't come home, that ship has sailed. I'm not exactly sure of the status of her relationship with her "friend". DD claims to be a lesbian, but in many ways I think she is more confused than sure of what type of life she wants. Saying anything against her friend only results in fights...we stopped trying. Out of all the people she has lived with and been friends with in the past, this gal is the most stable, believe it or not.

She doesn't have a child of her own, and as far as I know she isn't doing drugs. I know they smoke pot sometimes, but only if someone else has some. I think she needs counseling more than anything.

Jobs here are tough right now. They only have one car, and the local schools have all cut their busing, so if you live within 2 miles of the school, you have to get the kids there on your own. They live about 1 and half miles from the school, and the weather is so bad right now the little boy can't walk. It just complicates everything to have to be at the school at 9 and then again at 3:30 every day.

We help in ways other than just handing her money. I bought them some food, and took them a crockpot and electric grill to use. My mom gave them some kitchen items, and they did get their frig yesterday. Hopefully a stove will turn up soon. Freecycle or Craigslist is hard because we don't have a truck, and if you don't jump on those offers right away someone else does. Our local Freecycle is more people begging for stuff than offers.

I think as long as they know they have our support & help when absolutely necessary it will go a long way toward her taking advice etc. Her friend is just destroyed over the way her family is treating them...they just need to cut ties with those people IMO.

I can see why her friend is destroyed on the way her family is teating her, but it's so nice to see that you and your H are being helpful and supportive. It's so hard to see your child get into situations and not do anything, but there comes a time when you need to let go and let them figure it out on their own. It's so hard to watch, but I guess thats the only way they learn and to grow up. It makes it even harder to know there is a ten year old who is involved who needs a decent place to live to. God bless you lovingagain I hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you and your daughter!!!

I can relate!!! We had our daughter, her man and our grand kids live with us for 6 months, they moved out, but we are still helping them all the time. My daughters man can't ask his parents, or family for help, so we are always saving them.
There is a fine line to helping someone or enabling them, and so far I am not sure where to draw that line. What I have been trying to do is be honest with myself. My H was laid off for 9 months, so we really can't afford a lot, but when they stop over, I send them home with food. When they brake down on the side of the road, we tow their car and fix it. We don't hand them money, but we will help them in other ways.
Your daughter will change a lot in the next few years, and who she is with today, might change tomorrow. My best advice is to be the person she can come to for advice and comfort. If she needs help here and there, do what you can, but say NO to giving her cash. If she needs food, have her come over and cook it up with you, so you can have time with her. If she wants to make some money, have her do your laundry, or clean your house, so she can feel good about the money she makes, and you feel good paying her for her efforts. You can help your daughter, and feel good about it. My daughter babysits her little brother and sister, she brings me food, and she cleans my house when she comes over. Asking me for things isn't so bad anymore, because she knows she will offset those things with the things she can do, and trust me I love it when my daughter watches her little brother and sister for a weekend!!!!!!!

Keep your chin up. I guess I was very industrious when I was in a similar situation when younger. My mom caught my boyfriend (now H) in my bed during an unexpected visit to their condo I was staying in while going to school. Long story short, they kicked me out. I had to move into a cruddy room in a rooming house. There was very little heat, a horrible shower, shared kitchen out a flight of outside stairs and it was filthy from the other tenants. I was working part-time at a department store while going to school. I had to quit school and try to get as many hours as I could to make the rent and buy food. At one point my car broke down and there was no bus line or other transportation within 5 miles of the dump I was renting, I lived on rice and Top Ramen. I eventually got a hotplate for my room from Goodwill and would occasionally have soup. I did not have a refrigerator and didn't like using the one shared with the other roomers so in winter I put my food outside. I got one of the other tenants to drive me to the bus stop or rode my bike there to get to work until I could afford the parts for my BF to fix my 15 year old VW bug. It was challenging. My parents were practicing toughlove and boy it worked. They eventually came around when my brother told them how badly I was living. At one point my BFs mom said that eventually he would outgrow me. After I got kicked out of my folk's condo he continued to live with his mom and dad and attend college. I was determined to show them all. Eventually I got a second job. I saved enough money to get a better place with some girls from work. I went on to return to college and then go to law school. My H and I got married a few years later.

Bottom line - your daughter will survive this and hopefully become stronger and wiser. In times of desperation you find ways to get what you need. At least I did. It sounds like your daughter and her friend have time to clean the place up. A cold porch will serve as a nice refrigerator in the winter and a used toaster oven and microwave is all one really needs to cook.

Don't worry, they will make it.

They got a frig from the landlord, and DD said earlier today that he had found a stove and was going to deliver it, hopefully today.

I went to the Dollar Store and found them some plates and some basic cleaning & bathroom stuff. They still have some food in the frig, and lots of canned stuff and boxed items. I'm trying to get a call back from the local host site for Angel Food Ministries, and am hoping we didn't miss January's order date. (if you've never heard of Angel Food Ministries, you should check them out)

http://www.angelfoodministries.com/menu_0901en.asp

There is no requirement on income. Anyone can take part...you have to buy 1 of the $30 bundles of food, you pay in advance, then pick the food up about 2 weeks later at the host site. It's decent food, and a super good buy for $30. They also have bonus bundles that you can get IF you have purchased the main bundle.

Her friend gets paid on the 16th, and the landlord is taking off most of next months rent because of them doing all the work to clean & paint the place. Now we just need to get DD a job that works with their school schedule.