Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
First off, I have to say that my H and I have been doing really well. No major triggers for months, we've both been attentive to each other. Nothing has been going on to make me nervous or distrusting. We approaching 23 months past Dday.
My H has been having some back problems. He's been to a massotherapist, chiropractor, regular doctor. He wasn't getting any relief, so our Doctor gave him some anti-inflammatory meds, and some mild muscle relaxers, as well as ordering some x-rays to see what is going on. He doesn't take the muscle relaxers every day because they make him "fuzzy" or hungover feeling. He did use them over the weekend since he could sleep in.
So yesterday we were having some 'fun". It was great, he was very attentive to my needs, we tried some new positions etc. But he "lost it" so to speak. So we stopped, cleaned up, he went to the bathroom, and we tried again. Nope, not happening.
This NEVER happens to my H, except for those years he was having the A. Now, I didn't think of that at the time. He was obviously fuzzy from the meds, and tired from not sleeping well the night before. He drifted off to sleep (this was about 1 in the afternoon), and I got dressed and went downstairs. Only to be hit by a HUGE panic attack. It felt so irrational, and so out of the blue. I couldn't breath, I was shaking, my knees were weak.
I am totally positive that what happened was due to the meds he's on. His love making wasn't like it was during the A, he has done nothing to alarm me at all. I waited for him to wake up, he came downstairs and got something to eat. Then I told him what happened and how I was feeling. He totally assured me that nothing was going on, and I believe him. Because of the way he acted during the A, I can totally tell when he is being honest. But man, what a day.
So we had dinner, and then I realized I was pissed off. Pissed off that we're even in the position to have such a panic attack occur. He asked if I wanted to watch a movie, and I said no, I just wanted to be left alone with a book. I told him I was mad, and why I was mad. He just felt so bad, and I felt so bad. We held each other for a little bit, then I went upstairs and spent most of the evening reading.
What a crappy day. I'm feeling better today, but I know he is also suffering and hates what he has caused in our marriage. This just plain sucks. I think I really thought the days of the huge triggers were past me.
My H has been having some back problems. He's been to a massotherapist, chiropractor, regular doctor. He wasn't getting any relief, so our Doctor gave him some anti-inflammatory meds, and some mild muscle relaxers, as well as ordering some x-rays to see what is going on. He doesn't take the muscle relaxers every day because they make him "fuzzy" or hungover feeling. He did use them over the weekend since he could sleep in.
So yesterday we were having some 'fun". It was great, he was very attentive to my needs, we tried some new positions etc. But he "lost it" so to speak. So we stopped, cleaned up, he went to the bathroom, and we tried again. Nope, not happening.
This NEVER happens to my H, except for those years he was having the A. Now, I didn't think of that at the time. He was obviously fuzzy from the meds, and tired from not sleeping well the night before. He drifted off to sleep (this was about 1 in the afternoon), and I got dressed and went downstairs. Only to be hit by a HUGE panic attack. It felt so irrational, and so out of the blue. I couldn't breath, I was shaking, my knees were weak.
I am totally positive that what happened was due to the meds he's on. His love making wasn't like it was during the A, he has done nothing to alarm me at all. I waited for him to wake up, he came downstairs and got something to eat. Then I told him what happened and how I was feeling. He totally assured me that nothing was going on, and I believe him. Because of the way he acted during the A, I can totally tell when he is being honest. But man, what a day.
So we had dinner, and then I realized I was pissed off. Pissed off that we're even in the position to have such a panic attack occur. He asked if I wanted to watch a movie, and I said no, I just wanted to be left alone with a book. I told him I was mad, and why I was mad. He just felt so bad, and I felt so bad. We held each other for a little bit, then I went upstairs and spent most of the evening reading.
What a crappy day. I'm feeling better today, but I know he is also suffering and hates what he has caused in our marriage. This just plain sucks. I think I really thought the days of the huge triggers were past me.
And I'm like you when I'm having a bad day or a trigger I just want to be left alone and sulk and wallow in self-pitty for awhile. And after awhile of sulking I'm much better. Sometimes we just need to release these emotions.
Hugs to you girl!!! :)
Can I say something from a man's point of view? Sorry that is the only one I have to offer.
He probably didn't express it but he is probably upset with himself now for not being able to follow through again. Not just because of the panic attack caused but it might bruise his ego a little
when stuff like that happened to me, I always felt a little down until I got back in the saddle so to speak.
I think you are feeling a little rejected, even though you know it is from the meds. Think back to the previous weekend. You've been married 32 years and guys don't do that after that long unless there is more than just sex going on. I think he does love you and you are right it was just the meds
I think it was the meds, along with being tired.
We never know when the cheater is also having a trigger moment, maybe he was feeling a little guilty...with all that rolled together that is some nasty cocktail!
I hope things get back on track real soon for ya...
Of course my reaction made him feel horrible, and brought back old guilts and feelings again. I know he loves me.
He sees a physical therapist this afternoon to go over the results of his x-rays. He's a little bummed about his back acting up. He takes such good care of himself, the thought of back problems really is bothering him.
I had a meltdown, anxiety attack at Wrigley Field on Saturday during a Cubs game. It was so extremely awkward and I just buried my head in H's chest and cried and shook. I didn't have a choice. I am not a huge trigger person but this one really hit me.
While I know completely why this happened to me at Wrigley, I'm so beyond trying to figure out the reasons this happens to us. I have to learn that it's just a reaction to something that happened in the past and to deal with those feelings. But man, when it hits out of the blue like that there's almost nothing you can do about it.
My H too is doing everything possible to make our marriage the safe place it once was and I so totally accept all of his goodwill and help. I can't really figure this out though except to say that it's just part of the fallout.
I agree with everyone that it was just the meds. But you know, it really doesn't matter what the reasons are; we are still taken to that horrible place where logic and rational thinking goes out the window for a time.
I hope you feel better soon, I'm working on it!
I'm still in awe of the panic attack. I've only had a few full blown attacks over the years. The physical response is overwhelming and scary.
i'm so sorry about your bad day. trigger suck. the worst part, is being caught off-guard. i hate that. this is one of the reasons i'm so weary of going out and doing things - especially in a group - triggers. i'm terrified of them.
i'm glad you made it through and you're feeling a little better. usually, for me, after an attack, i'll have what i like to call a 'anxiety attack hangover" for one or two days following. it all just depends on the trigger.
one thing that comforts me - aren't we so blessed to have our husbands stay by our side during these difficult times? i know with or without husband i would have triggers, it's nice to be able to burry my head in his chest and cry when I need too.
I'll probably get his lunch stuff together for tomorrow too. Doing something for HIM is good therapy for me.
Yesterday, I cried in church again. We do go to church together, always have, except for maybe one or two Sundays right after he confessed. I cry everytime, we are in church together and breakfast out afterward. We had something VERY special in church, something most couples don't. We were very involved in Marriage Encounter for years.. I just put my head back and let the trears roll down my checks.
Hang in there and I hope the vertigo/shaking feeling subsides soon. It's great that your H is very understanding and compassionate towards your feelings!
Oh and by the way I too am sure it was the meds.