I feel a tiny bit guilty for not checking in more often.  The fact is, who thinks about antibiotics after their infection is over?  No one.  You're done and you move on, right?

It helped me SO much when I first joined Daily Strength to see actual success (or at least "in progress"?) stories so I could feel like there was actually hope.  I didn't feel much hope six years ago, and now I'm in a whole different world.  Oh, it's not butterflies and rainbows and perfection, because, duh, that doesn't exist, but I am genuinely happy and I feel excited and enthusiastic about investing in marriage and our relationship.  So does my husband.  Woah.  BOTH of us on the same page at the same time?!?

Anniversaries - wedding and DDAY, as well as any others we mark on the calendar or in our heads - are really hard when recovering from infidelity.  I suspect Valentine's Day is another one that's high up there as far as how to navigate through with grace, while still staying true to yourself.  Pretty sure I wrote something at one point about how resentful I was and how there needed to be custom Valentine cards... something to the tune of "you suck, but I guess I'll stay" (among others...)

Of course cards like that would never be practical or beneficial.  I knew that then and I know it even more now, but it felt good to vent a little.  I came here to say - this year I was SUPER excited and enthusiastic about buying my husband a card.  I didn't have to sift through card after card thinking, "Well, THAT doesn't apply," or "What a load of malarky..." or "Sure, sounds great if I could chop out the whole paragraph about forever and relying on him and faithful..." Nope... this year was about gratitude and genuine love and appreciation.  It does happen.  (And yeah, it doesn't take THIS long for it to happen, I'm just saying that it DOES and this year really was a strong reminder of that!)

For those who may need a pick-me-up or sort of a grain of "how to" here's an article I read about the secret to a happy, successful marriage, and while I've read it described differently in different places (marriage is a garden that must always be tended), or pretty much the same in others (Marriage Builders calls it a Love Bank), it's worth a read and absolutely 100% truth.  Marriage needs to be constantly tended and never taken for granted.  It's not just good because it's just automatically good, it's good because you MAKE it good.

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2017/02/13/secret-happy-successful-marriage-treating-like-bank-account/

Something I disagreed with was the sentiment that happy couples fight.  Nope.  Disagree?  YES... conflict is normal in ANY relationship, but fight?  No.

My husband and I don't fight anymore.  I think in the last three+ years we've had exactly one fight - and it was when we were both tired, drawn thin emotionally, and definitely NOT using our skills and we both immediately regretted it. 

Fighting is a huge love buster (TM Marriage Builders) and should be avoided.  My husband and I disagree at least every hour on the hour, we just don't fight, anymore.  Instead, we look with great mindfulness and intention toward solutions that make us BOTH happy.  We let go of the crap we don't actually care about but just want to "win" and focus instead of what's important : our marriage.  And for us, when we can't come to an agreement or when emotions start to run high?  We take a time out and then come back to it later.

We very, very, very much disagree on parenting, especially how (if?) to parent our now adult sons, yet we don't fight about it.  Sometimes, we come to a grinding deadlock and we do absolutely NOTHING either way for a time, but we don't fight, we don't sneak behind each other's backs, and we don't strongarm or emotionally blackmail (some of our previous maladaptive behaviors) to get our way.  Instead, we decide where our hard limits are and we negotiate through the rest.  As a result, peace reigns. 

All three of our kids have said over and over how we are almost like different people than we were when they were little.  And we are.  I only wish we'd learned this sooner, and I hope my offspring have learned some tips and tricks they can carry into their own relationships.

We def didn't start out this way, but I'm glad we're here, now.

OK... so back to the whole Valentine's Day thing...

LOVE YOUR PARTNER AND LOVE YOURSELF.  Do what you can, even if it's just opening your heart to the possibility of giving and receiving kindness.  Don't let hopelessness swallow you whole.  You can hurt and still be in process of healing at the same time, and you can give and receive love even when you're in a place where it seems impossible.

And for those who wind up in a place where your marriage is truly no longer viable?  Take heart... this doesn't mean that you are unloved or unlovable.  Love takes many forms and the whole hearts and flowers and Hallmark TV specials aren't the only love that matters. 

I hope everyone is able to find some form of love today and embrace it.

❤