Well were there thoughts you've been shoving down and blocking out that are creeping into your dreams? I found it interesting that you divided your life from the past life and present life. Somehow you've compartmentalized in a sense.

I'm not sure here but the might be something here about allowing your life to be one fluid entity with areas of calm and areas of ripples and some chppy areas. Possibly you've worked too hard shoving her head under water as to pretend she never existed. It's like her body has surfaced and sitting fight at your feet in the cam waters.

Allow her to exist as a part of your history. A knowledge that she was there and is no longer a threat. Sort of like when I attempt mediation. Im told to acknowledge the disruptive thought as opposed to trying toshoo it away. The thought enters my mind, I think "yup the bills are late and breath innnnn ooout innnnn oooout"

Yep. I think you're right. And I think the reason it's bothering me SO much is because it's bothering me - and I feel like I have to FIX it... rather, than, as you say, acknowledge that it's bothering me and just letting it be.

Started reading a Mindfulness book by Mark Williams and already (only 30 something pages in) you sound JUST LIKE HIM, PINK! You should be famous and write a book! :D

Tonight I will try one of the meditations in the book and see where that leads me. Today, thankfully, has been much calmer.

HOW CAN THIS BE!? HOW CAN LETTING SOMETHING BE POSSIBLY BE AN ANSWER!!? I MUST PICK AT THE SCABS UNTIL THEY ALL BLEED!!!!!!!

Over. And over.

I'm such an idiot. *sigh* (And yeahhhh... that "I'm such an idiot" voice is also discussed in the book. This should be an interesting journey for me.)

I don't recall how I did it, but I used to have falling dreams back when I was a kid. They were the scariest thing to me. I've never been fond of heights. It is more than I can stand to even watch such things on TV. I recall starting to watch a Mission Impossible movie one time, and it starts out with Ethan climbing his way up the side of a tall sky scraper. I survived that only to have them back out, dangling from that building. I couldn't take it anymore so I had to stop watching.

One time I was in the middle of a falling dream. I was riding a bicycle through a forest, came upon a clearing with a big hole in it. Try as I might, I couldn't avoid getting sucked into the hole. Then I free fell into darkness. (I actually used that in a modified form for a short story.) As I was falling, I had one of those moments where you realize you're in a dream. I said to myself in the dream, "Look, this is the only time you can enjoy falling because its a dream and you can't get hurt in real life." So I laid back and enjoyed the feeling of falling. So much so, I looked forward to my next falling dream. You know what? I never had another one, that I recall at least.

I think our fears tend to manifest themselves in our dreams. So I'd gather this dream represents your fear of the OW coming back into the picture, and/or some unresolved/swept-under-the-rug issues or feelings about the OW. If so, the route to overcoming it would likely be facing the issue head-on and develop a positive attitude about her. Instead of feeling like her victim, see yourself as the victor. You won. She didn't get him. Pity her, as she ended up with the raw end of the deal. She played with fire and got burned. She is now history.

I think when you can convince yourself, especially in your dream, that she represents your success at restoring your relationship with your H, you can take a lot of the punch out of her affect on you. When you think in terms that she lost, it will help to make her a non-factor or threat.

Just a thought. Hope you find a healthy way to deal with it.

Just throwing this out there ... do you have a friend or someone close to you who feels like a potential threat to your marriage? It doesn't have to be infidelity necessarily.

Cole: I KNOW you're right, but it's easier said than done. I suspect the unresolved issues are the same as always - I want to make her the predator and my husband the victim (not the case, obviously.)

I think that's the thing... having my dream friends chat about how my other friend was just like the OW in such a casual, nonchalant manner was devastating. Having these people compare someone I adore and admire to someone I hate felt like a betrayal in its own way. I needed these people to understand what a demon the OW was, not someone to be admired or fawned over.

So you're right... if I can get to the point where I can love (yeah, love...) the OW and accept that she IS lovable and has qualities to admire, then this would all likely be resolved. And by love, of course I don't mean, "C'mon over for Thanksgiving dinner!" but just embrace her in my heart as another worthy creature of this world.

I can get there logically. Emotionally, I am stunted.

Lisa: My husband and I only have "friends of our marriage". That is to say, no, there is no one threatening, not even in a theoretical sense. I know all of the women we spend time with are extremely sensitive and supportive of US, and also protective of their own marriages. Could an affair happen? I mean, duh, after what I've been through and seen, it'd be stupid to say "never" but at this time and under these circumstances, not very likely.

I really do think it's more of my ideas being challenged than my marriage. I can't seem to shake the long standing belief that *I* am the good guy and the OW is the Bad Guy - which is simply not a logical jump. How's the saying go? One can do bad things without being a bad person? And it's not even that simple, either. Bad/Good are actually very flexible, very subjective concepts.

It's me. It's 100% me that needs the work. Dangit. (I hate it when that happens.)

Try reading "way of the peaceful warrior" when your done with your current book. It's a great book.

It has helped me to see the OW for what she is- lonely, and kind of pathetic. She would trade places in a minute, but my husband wouldn't have her- the same way your husband won't have his OW. I know my answer is not as mystical or spiritual as others, but I have read and prayed and meditated... it always comes back to torment me. Seeing her as a person makes it harder to hate and fixate on her.