Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group

A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.

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thebeachretreat 02/24/2011

Lisalisa got me thinking about the OW / OM today and things I have read when I have been on cheaters post (and I don't always mean on DS - there are other sites out there). Sometimes I see where OW type things along the lines that the wife sounds like a crappy person and they see themselves as such a blessing to the CS. They think / say detrimental things about us - maybe in response to something our husband said or maybe to justify to themselves that we "deserve" being cheated on.

I do know that the OW in my case thinks I am flat out crazy because I have messaged her twice since dday and said things that I hope made her shit in her thong. But the person she has seen is not me at all - not me by a mile. So today I send a public message to my OW:

I am not the crazy hateful bitch that sent you the e-mails. I am a wounded woman who has devoted 23 years of my life to looking after my family. I have stood rock solid beside my husband during times of duress, during deployments, during stress and during times where he made decisions that negatively affected our household. Maybe he said things to you that did not always put me in the best light. He forgot to tell you about the heartaches that I have suffered from his insensitivity, his inability to be affectionate, his moodiness, his aloofness due to scars from an unhappy childhood - and despite these things stuck with him. Your time together has made me lose sight of myself. No, I am not the hateful bitch that you imagine me to be. I am a woman who leans over the table with her daughter and helps her with homework. I am a woman who goes to church and who has tried to teach my children values. I am a woman who cuts grass, repairs and mends things around the house and keeps the beds made, laundry done and runs a well organized home. I am a woman who has worked two jobs at times to help contribute to the lifestyle that both my H and I agreed upon. I am a woman who has mailed my husband cards and packages and organized special gifts for his troops when he was gone. I have planned parties in his honor and driven hours to change of commands. I'm not perfect and I don't profess to be. I'm human and just like you, I long for love and affection. For awhile, you both made me feel so bad about myself that I forgot who I was. I won't let you do that anymore.

How about the rest of you? Who are you?

deleted_user 02/24/2011

Amen!!!! I am the woman who married him after his 2 failed marriages and suggested we do a prenup because they royally burned him and I wanted him to know I would never do that! I am the woman who tolerated his moodiness and short temper and learned ways to help him quickly de-stress. I am the woman who worked a full time job yet insisted I help cut grass and weed wack the hillsides in summer, and get up at 530a to help shovel the driveway because I was concerned it was too much work for him to handle alone. I am the woman, who despite the fact that I was feeling as alone and wanting more from my marriage as him, yet I never once considered betraying my vow to him. I am the woman who, despite being hurt by him more than anyone has ever hurt me in my life, am willing to forgive and try to save the marriage he so callously almost threw away. I am so much more a better woman, better human being than she can ever hope to be!!

deleted_user 02/24/2011

WOW! I love this!!
I can't seem to find what I want to say in regards to myself. But I love this idea. This is strong and positive and beautiful!

deleted_user 02/24/2011

I am the woman who bore his two children. Who loved him when no one else would or could. Who put up with his moodiness, his tirades, his drinking, his passions for anything and everything other than being a good boyfriend and husband. I loved him when he told me with words and actions that it was not his job to be a full partner in a relationship and a marriage - that what he said was the final and only word. Maybe I was foolish. I loved him and supported him through college and a masters degree and a career. I loved him and praised him and cheered for him and shouted from every mountain top that he was the greatest husband, father, man, guy, and friend any person could ever want through 18 years of life together, even while he was cheating on me behind my back. I paid for him to wear the finest clothes, drive the best cars, and live in the finest house, get a second masters degree... all while he was having an affair. And when he disclosed, I had the grace to tell him that he could stay in this home, drive that car, wear those close, and call me wife. I am not perfect. I never told him I was and I will never claim to be. I have never broken my vows to him. I am faithful and did not move on to another man after he betrayed me and shattered my life. I stayed, because no matter now he shattered me, I am the woman strong enough to know that any man who has done what he has is far more broken than I will ever be. And I am far more a woman than that thing. That thing - that "Christian" woman who goes to church every Sunday with her two children yet lays with married men? OMG. Don't get me started. Makes me very proud to be an athiest.

3GuysMom 02/25/2011

I am the woman who gave him 3 children and took care of him and them while he fulfilled his own selfish needs. The woman who he ignored for the better part of 10 years because he couldn't be bothered with the stress of our home life after dealing with the stress of work. The woman who got up early with him every morning to iron his clothes for work. The woman who cared for him when he was sick. I put up with the horrible treatment and manipulations of his family. I gave up holidays with my own family to make his life easier. I have done everything he has ever needed of me regardless of my personal needs or desires. I am an honest, strong, hard working, and faithful wife. More than once I've been able to pull a rabbit out of my hat to save the day. I am the woman he abandoned and neglected for some cheap talk and sex with someone who has no morals. I've thrown myself in the fire for him over the past 9 months and I'm proud to say that he finally noticed.

lisalisa72 02/25/2011

I'm the woman who has enough history with him that it was not a big challenge to win him back. I'm the woman who has given birth to his daughter, mourned the child we lost, and was there when his mother passed. I'm the woman who makes the obligations to his family seem less of a chore and more of a team effort.

I'm the woman who knows some of his darkest fears and anxieties, the things he struggles with, and knows how to talk him through it. I'm the woman who has spent 17 years learning what brings him the most pleasure and am now smart enough to use that knowledge! I know which parts of his body ache when it gets cold, and the high school football stories that go along with each injury.

I'm the woman who has been through the worst with him and has chosen to forgive and move forward. That has to be the biggest gift a person can give.

znzsmom 02/25/2011

I am the woman who has been with him since he was 21 years old. I am the woman who grew up with him and helped him learn what it is to love deeply. I am the woman who loves him with every fiber of my being. I am the mother of his children and the woman who sacrificed everything for my family. I stayed at home to raise my children with very little help from my then younger and emotionally immature H. I moved an hour and a half away from my family and friends for his job. Although I wasn't perfect, I dedicated myself and did as much with and for my children as our finances allowed. I tried as hard as I could to make it through the times when I felt emotionally abandoned by my H. I am ambitious and intelligent, which I proved by going to graduate school while raising young children. I graduated with a 4.0 GPA by the way. I did this for me, but also to further my career so that I could contribute to my family's income and make a better life for all of us, including my H. I stood by my H's side through many very difficult years. I did make alot of mistakes. I even hurt him emotionally too. You know what though? Through it all, we never stopped loving each other. We've been together for 21 years. We have a life, a family a home together. We have a rich history filled with laughter, love, fun and family. We are a team. We truly and finally love, honor and cherish each other. I am the one who will be there when he is old, standing right beside him watching our grandchildren play. I am the one in his heart, his mind, is dreams and his soul. I am the one whom God chose for him to be his mate. I am the one who stood by him after some insignificant, vindictive, mentally ill loser tried to destroy our family. I am the one for whose forgiveness he begged. My arms are the arms that held him as he wept with shame and embarassment after what he did was exposed. I am the one who held him as he cried and said that he loves me more than life itself. I am my beloved's and my beloved is MINE!

thebeachretreat 02/25/2011

ZNZ - Love your post!!!!!!!!!

znzsmom 02/25/2011

Thanks beach! I forgot a bunch of stuff...but I think we get the drift, lol. Thanks for the topic and for giving us our say!!!

deleted_user 02/25/2011

Thanks Beach! We have all been beaten down so much that it's nice to have a chance to beat our own drums!! Felt a little liberating!!!

deleted_user 02/28/2011

Who am I? I am the woman who gave her life up for her family. The woman who didn't finish university so her husband could go to school. The woman who raised our children on her own while her husband got to pursue his dreams. The woman who drove the kids to school, rocked the sick babies, made playdough and played in the rain with her kids. The woman who helped at school, went on field trips, picked up crying teenagers with enough drama to make you cry. The woman who watched her children grow into the wonderful, confident adults they are today and gives herself a pat on the back. The woman who is now helping her daughter plan her wedding. The woman who gave so much of herself that she wonders who she is anymore. The woman who stood by her husband in his happy days, his dark days, his unloving and unkind days. The woman who was scared to find out the answers to her unanswered questions. The woman who stood strong when she found out that her husband of 26 years was unfaithful and had shattered her world, took everything that she believed in and told her it was a lie. The woman who wakes up every morning and struggles to make it just "one more day". I am the woman who is now learning who she really is. The woman who is proud of her children. The woman who knows that not everyone is perfect and people deserve a second chance. I am the woman that now has a voice and is learning how to use it. I am just a woman who wants to love herself again.

deleted_user 02/28/2011

Me...I am the man who committed his life to her happiness. The man who empowered her to grow as a strong independent woman. I'm the guy who overlooked the imperfections of your family life and the dameaged it caused...I knew she could become an alcoholic yet I married you 20 years ago. I am the man who pursued a career that would allow us to prosper financially in lieu of persuing his dream. I'm the one who was there when our oldest was in NICU and she couldn't be with her. I was there, being thrown against the wall as the doctors rushed to save her and our second child...scared and all alone. I am the husband who dove into his community service when his wife spiraled after the birth of our fourth, the guy who thought if he could take care of the family all would be ok. I'm the guy that trusted her completely. I'm the one who believed her lies. I'm the one who had no choice but to hold it together as she attempted suicide, was hospitalized...it was my responsibility to take care of everything as she recovered and I had to put our recovery on hold. I am the guy who has learned alot about himself and his imperfections the one who wakes up every day asking God to help me change. I am that man that always does the "right thing" even if he knew it may not be popular. I am the guy that has finally learned not to ask why and accept the past as it is...only trying to influence the future. While I may not be the best guy...i am the one who has learned to forgive...the one who is pursuing happiness everyday:)

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