I wish I could offer you something helpful, but I'm still at a point where curiosity is an itch that won't go away until it's scratched. Don't be so hard on yourself. You should be proud that you're at a point where you were confident that you knew nothing was going on, you just felt compelled to look anyway.

I had a problem doing internet searches on the OW and found out so much about her. I found out that my H was not lying about her being mentally unstable, for one thing. My main goal was to get to the truth about the events of the A. His version and her version are very different and they have both proven themselves to be a liar. In all my searches and on all the sites I found her, she never mentioned the A. It's like she's trying to pretend to be someone else entirely, which is basically her MO. Anyway, it got to an obsessive level. I then journaled on DS to keep myself accountable. Everytime I had an urge, I went to journal. Once I started doing that, the urges diminished. Of course, seeing that she had gained like 40 pounds also helped and showing the fat ugly pic of her to my H was icing on the cake, lol. Ok, I'm a wee bit bad, hehe. Seriously though, try journaling every time you get an urge to search her. The bottom line is that these whores do not deserve one bit of our mental energy...haven't they stolen enough from us? Hugs.

I make voodoo dolls and personalized dart boards.

Sometimes just knowing others are in the same boat is all the help a person needs. Thank you and thank you for the advice about journaling. I'm going to try that and I think I'm going to try that when triggers hit. As for wasting my mental energy you couldn't have said it better. Why should I let what they did waste anymore time in my life. I need to live in the present and stop letting the past steal my happiness. Sounds good now I just need to learn how to do it.

I think it's a process that takes time. Knowing and feeling don't always jibe with one another. There is no fast forward to the end of this roller coaster ride. The only way through it is to ride the waves. You are most definitely NOT alone!

Well, I'll tell you when you know that curiosity is not your friend, when you manage to find their sex tape and actually get to see your H screw the OW. Did it prevent further craziness of this sort? Of course not.

I've been having those thoughts as well. My H also still works with the OW. Each & every morning I think about that. Like you, I'm thankful that he has a job but wish that he could get another one. Or at least transfer to another location. We just passed out one year Dday and although I have better days, I wonder if there will be a time that I don't think about it. At least at this point, I don't feel threatened by either age, looks or education. Things for her all went down hill after I called her H and exposed their A. They are now divorcing. I should feel more threatened since she woul dnow be free, but I don't. I'm with znzsmom on this one though- haven't they already taken too much from us? It's time to take back what is rightfully ours and ban these thoughts from our brains!

Thinking initially of OW I see the things I'm self concious of but then my brain starts working instead of emotions and I remember that I'm the better person - that I didnt have an affair with a married man and have more self respect in my pinky than she ever will. Being new here I'm finding the support and just knowing that there are others feeling as I do has helped. I wish it were easy to ban those thoughts rather than replaying them. When you and znzsmom talk about taking back what is rightfully ours it feels so empowering and I know then I'm in the right place.

Cec... my husband works in the next building to the OW each and every day. He is doing all the "right things" but it still leaves me in a state of wonder and worry. It would make my life so much simpler if he just found another job. And...I too have my days of curiosity where I want to search everywhere I can to see what I can find. I want to find "nothing" and afraid if I find "something". This is sure a rollercoaster of emotions and triggers isn't it? I try to put the OW into perspective and not dwell on her, but oh my gosh it's difficult some days. I can understand your frustration. All the people here are such a great support and I adore each and every one of them!!!

Cec...I have to agree with all the wonderful peeps here.....the OW)OM has taken up enough time in our lives why do we let them continue?...Because unfortunately that is part of the process of healing a broken heart.
I am 16 moths plus past DDay and I have to say things are much better. It is a long hard ride but you can make it.
Several weeks ago I decided that I had enough of letting the OW get the best of me.....I had a horrible weekend..i was a ranting, crying fool. Well then Diamondgirl posted Calm or Confrontational. And of course i opened my big mouth and responded Calm?! The nerve of me to give someone advice when I couldn't do it myself...that was it! I reread my response and thought....I better start listening to myself and take my own advice, so i did! I took my life back at that very minute! I was done letting that piece of crap ruin myself esteem, my marriage and my entire life!
I have to say if it weren't for DS i don't know if I would of made that decision at that time...i probably would still be in that phase..So thank you all..especially to Diamond for that post...It opened up my mind and my heart again!
now that I have gotten thru this, I can honestly say things are getting better and better with my H...I don't have the resentment i felt a month or so ago for him...we communicate so much better and can even talk about the A without me getting crazy! We both have learned a lot about each other thru this and have grown as a couple....God doesn't give us more then we can handle....sometimes what is handed to us stinks but know that you can get thru this and be a better person for it.
Take the advice of the wonderful people here, read and journal here as much as possible,,,,,,ask for support when ever you are in need...we are all here for you..........
Know that if you let the love back in your heart you will start to heal.......so smile today and say I love you as much as you can! :)

I resisted the urge to snoop today--just this morning. I'm nearly 3 years out and I'm just starting to really get a grasp on this part.

I thought about it, and decided it would do me no good. If I did find something----then what?? H would just lie and turn it around on me in some way----and stupid me would buy all his BS. For me, it causes more problems than it eliminates. Besides----I never found anything convicting enough before--the final blow came when I wasn't suspecting a thing.