I want to thank stateofchaos for their posting on the infidelity board that many of us should be using this forum for trying to rebuild and keeping a positive state of mind!

Let's see. There have been LOTS of major improvements in my M since dday. For one, communication. That's been a huge positive influence for us - as hard as it can be at times. I have to give my H the props he deserves, because he's really been textbook throughout the rebuilding. I always know where he is and I can always reach him by phone if I need to (which most days there is a point where I just like to hear his voice). We'd started working together right before dday - so we're together most of the time. And when we're not, we miss each other and we express it to one another, "Hey I missed you today." There have been times that he has brought things to me, that he could have easily kept a secret - but he didn't. This has been a HUGE factor in the rebuilding of trust. Each time he comes to me like this I feel my trust for him move up a notch.

Some may think it's overkill, but we tell each other we love eachh other every single chance we get - and that's ALOT. He's very appreciative of me and the things that I do for him and our family. And I am of him as well.

We are both pretty careful of the friends we make - we seek out others that are like us. I know that if I'm uncomfortable with something I can take it to him and find comfort and support. I'm not scared to go to him with concerns like I was when he was having his A.

I've done a lot of changing myself. Whatever role I played in his decision to have an A, I want to correct. I'm constantly researching things that I can do to show him affection, love, and admiration.

I still struggle too. Not as much but more than I want to. I do the same thing - I take it to H. Afterall, he is my best friend. He has not let me down so far. He's always encouraging, understanding, and loving about whatever the issue is that he and I are facing.

In general we're both very appreciative of the other in ways like never before. It reminds me of someone who beat cancer or a deadly illness. Life has much more meaning and we both try not to take thing or each other for granite. I think we're both constantly looking within to see if there's something we might be doing incorrectly that we can easily correct.

We are only 4 months out so this is still fresh and change takes time but I can say, without a doubt, my H is learning to face conflict and reality. He ran from it before, swept stuff under the rug, ignored it hoping it would go away, and in the end he vented to the wrong person. He vented to one of those women who relish the idea of a taken man desiring her because those are the hardest to get right. He vented to an opportunistic GIRL who needs all men to pay attention to her and triumphed is displacing another woman from the throne a wife should occupy in the eyes of her husband.

Now he comes to me with everything from job stress to things I do that upset him. He comes to me with insecurities, fears, frustrations and needs. And I have learned to temper my "tough love" attitude a bit. I am learning to be more sensitive to his feelings and learning that not all people can just take on problems head on.

In April if you would have asked me, I would have told you I was living a charmed life. After a disastrous pregnancy including a condition that most pregnancies don't go to term with (my placenta partially abrupted at 27 weeks) we had a perfectly healthy baby girl to go along with our incredible 16 month old son. We have a house that needs work but we loved. I have a career that I did a lot of work to get but I truly enjoyed coming to everyday. My H had a good paying job that wasn't what he liked but we were laying the groundwork to change that in the next couple years. We had it good. By June it was gone.

This really put me in check. Our marriage was the dam that held back the floodwaters that kept all of this from potentially washing away. But dams need to be kept up, they need regular inspections and ours was neglected. Right after Dday I would have told you it completely failed and was destroyed. Now I'm thinking it cracked and there was a lot of floodwater released and a lot of damage but it might be repairable. We just need to engineer a new dam. And we are now communicating on how to do that as opposed to just thinking the other one is keeping an eye out for leaks.

ok. so dday, the most recent one, was sept. 6, exactly one month ago. he was immediatley appologetic, has been very upfront and honest, more than i wanted even, and has made all the right moves!
1. he initiated MC.
2. he is instituting the tools our MC has given us.
3. he is doing the homework she assigns, including the reading!
4. he tells me about his day.
5. he asks about my day
6. he is actively listening to the kids
7. he answers all my calls, or if he misses one gets back in a timely manner.
8. he takes the initiative at counseling to say what he can do better
9. he helps more around the house
10.he is very understanding of my emotional state, and is not being pushy
11.he writes little love notes, calls me and says hey turn on this station, and then sings me the song, and sends me sweet text during the day.
12.he is working two jobs, and making sure i know where he is at every minute.
13.he answers my questions and hasnt been caught in any new lies!

wow, i didnt realize this list was so long! and theres more too.

of course my sitch is a little different than most as the most recent A was with another man, so my H was relieved when i found out. and i guess i was expecting something for a long time cuz the marriage was dead long before the first A and that was years ago. and he never did anything like this before. believe me, it has been a tough 5 years. if this is the reward, sign me up for double!
Always sending love and support,
Nikki

It's only been a few weeks but we are communicating better than ever and even though there are trust issues I can see that he's started caring about how I feel and puts my feelings ahead of what he wants to do (most of the time--sometimes I have to point out that he's doing it and it changes really fast).

Well I have lost a shed load of weight and find it easy to spend a load of time in the gym trying to beat the shit out of that pain and frustration. I also have hugely developed my lie detection skills and my wife can not get anything past me now, no matter how trivial.

The main difference is communication. It has moved to a new level of openness. I accepted in the past that my wife kept secrets from me and I respected her privacy. I still respect her, but we agree that nothing is secret anymore.

She is so much happier. She says that she never realised how much I meant to her until she tried to push me away. The determination and resolve I showed to win her back was something she did not think I possessed. Only now can she see a life where we grow old together, one where I make her dreams real. It is still in the balance, I still have doubts that I have the strength.

Although it may sound selfish, there is a dynamic in the relationship that has changed. I always felt that I was weak, had less resolve, less moral courage, less restraint. I guess for a man this is the default setting. But as it turns out, it is me who is stronger. To say I have the moral high ground sounds conceited, but it does mean now and again I might get my own way. I always felt I was to blame for things that went wrong in our relationship, and was always the one to apologise. My emotional inadequacies were there, but what my wife was doing behind my back was far more damaging. She has had to redress some of this imbalance and admit to emotional failings of her own.

All that and sex has been better. Not sure why, and really do not want to analyse it, it just is.

The number one change is we are communicating more. We tell each other we love you way more often. We do fun things together just the two of us which we haven't done in many years. We make plans to be alone. We talk and text several times a day. I now tell him how attracted I am to him. He has always done that. He tells me his struggles at work and I actively listen. He listens to me when I want to talk about my struggles. We hug and touch each other more frequently. We make time to have lunch together sometimes. Our marriage is now the most important thing to each of us. H is now forthcoming with things he used to keep from me and always answers the phone if I call or gets back to me ASAP.