Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
We are 3 1/2 months past Dday. My husband had a 2 yr emotional affair that turned into a physical affair and has resulted in a child. We are still in the legal process of that whole mess but he has had no contact, that I know of, with this woman and child. We have 2 children together, we are back to living together and trying to reconcile and keep our family together. We had a pretty rocky marriage before the A- very defensive, non- communicative, ignoring behaviors that have tore us apart since we were married 8 yrs ago. We are also going to marriage counseling together and individual counseling. My question is: What is normal to expect out of our relationship right now? I know that is a hard question to ask because everyone's situation is different and everyone heals at a different pace but we feel like we are still on a roller coaster. We can go for a few days and have some great talks, understand each other and connect and then something happens that makes us doubt this whole process and whether we can really be happy together. Any insights?
So let me address the rollercoaster as we call it. The two or three good days followed with what feels like falling off a cliff into despair again. This IS your new normal. And at 7 months out it is still my normal and there are others out farther who still call it normal for them. The success in the process isn't measured in these dips going away but in them become less frequent and the lows getting a little less low. Ask your counselors for techniques for dealing with these days. Some of us come here and freak out, some of us journal, so talk to the CS (and in some cases really let them have it).
Will your H be playing an active role in the life of the child?
Stateofchaos, well said.
I am finding that we are having these same dips and swells. I am counting myself among the very lucky ones (but hope I am not jinxing myself by even typing that...) in that my husband is saying and doing all the right things. I think we are both really committed to mending our marriage and healing from all the damage that has been done. With that said, my husband has found a book really helpful in helping him learn to communicate in a more constructive way - it is called "War of Words" by Paul David Tripp. It is a very Christian-based book, which my husband and I both thought would be a turn off as neither of us is religious. However, husband found the book very helpful and I definitely see a significant change in the way he talks to me, the way he broaches touchy subjects and the way he responds to me when I may be a little less than friendly/effective in my communication with him. This has helped our lows be less low, because communication is key in making the healing process work. I hope this is helpful.
He has told me he is still undecided on what relationship he will have with the child. I don't know if that's the truth or if he's just afraid to talk to me about it. We have tabled the discussion until the next phase of the legal process arrives in our mailbox. I have been playing this "waiting game" with all of the attorneys since we received child support papers in the mail in June. Tons O' Fun.
Alexandra- thanks for the book title, once in a while my H is open to looking at a book- reading it is another matter- but we'll see.
Recovery takes time. I am 11 months post dday - I found out in Feb. 2010. I would say that it took until October for us to FINALLY level out. I actually have a timeline that I created back in December in my Journal as a way to try and track our progress and prove to myself that I was getting better. I still have my bad days but the good days have tipped the balance in our favor.
I think a lot of your healing and progress is determined by your past history, spiritual outlook, genetics, behavior of the CS in recovery, and the list goes on. It is really hard to put a measuring stick out beside yourself and try to compare to others. I can just say that I think 3.5 months out is still part of the big roller coaster ride. I just had to remind my husband over and over again that he had to be patient when we hit the tough patches.
But hang in there and be patient with yourself when you find yourself frustrated, angry, etc.
Did your husband read any books on recovery after an affair? I told my husband that he HAD to read at least one book so he could have a better understanding of what I was going through. He needs to understand that this is a long term process. I am thankful that my husband took the time to scan the book (or read it) and I also copied and pasted a few DS entries so he could understand that this was not going to be something that a band-aide would cure.
I told my husband on many occasions that he held the key to my recovery. If he made me feel bad when I needed to talk, he set me back a step. When he made me beg and pick for information, he set us back a step. When he allowed my anger to push him away, then he set us back a step. I hope that you can ENCOURAGE him to be an active participant in your healing.
My husband also would get easily discourage and I just had to keep brining it up. Sending you strength.