Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
We will be moving to a new city soon. It is actually back home where we met and we will be back around family. I think it is great that we are moving back home for a little while. I am so excited to give our son the opportunity to be back around his grandparents we have been gone for almost 4 years now.
I am also hoping that the bad stigma that I think about from being in the city where the A took place will help me move on and not think about the affair as much. There is a lot of things here that I feel are triggers that will be gone when we move.
I know that the affair will always be a part of our history and that will not change, I think my trust with my wife will always be different since the affair. I do not think that moving will change the way I trust only time and her being honest and open and working on re-building that trust can improve that. Time+action accountabillity = (more trust)
Has anyone else moved to another state after dealing with an affair?
Did it help or change how you felt?
I think that as we move and new life events happen in our lives that I will get better and the affair will move, or that there will be a shift from it being in the front of my mind to it being in the back of my mind. I do know that it will never be gone, but I hope that as we travel and do things together away from here that it will be better and better for me to become more and more committed to our marriage and less and less uncertain about our future.
(not that I am not committed just that I do not have the confidence in marriage that I once had)
I do feel that at some point I will feel safe in my marriage again that it will just take a long time.
I am also hoping that the bad stigma that I think about from being in the city where the A took place will help me move on and not think about the affair as much. There is a lot of things here that I feel are triggers that will be gone when we move.
I know that the affair will always be a part of our history and that will not change, I think my trust with my wife will always be different since the affair. I do not think that moving will change the way I trust only time and her being honest and open and working on re-building that trust can improve that. Time+action accountabillity = (more trust)
Has anyone else moved to another state after dealing with an affair?
Did it help or change how you felt?
I think that as we move and new life events happen in our lives that I will get better and the affair will move, or that there will be a shift from it being in the front of my mind to it being in the back of my mind. I do know that it will never be gone, but I hope that as we travel and do things together away from here that it will be better and better for me to become more and more committed to our marriage and less and less uncertain about our future.
(not that I am not committed just that I do not have the confidence in marriage that I once had)
I do feel that at some point I will feel safe in my marriage again that it will just take a long time.
We didn't move BECAUSE of the affair, though for my husband it was important point - he wanted us to start fresh. Clean slate.
Of course it isn't really. Especially that for us the affairs didn't happen in our town. Still - too many bad memories, bad emotions were felt there.
So it did not solve everything, but I don't think you expect that.
It is kind of like taking a sweater dry cleaning. It still pills, it still has a hole under the armpit and the elbows are about to have holes too but the stench of cat's pee is barely noticeable and that nasty stain right in the front has faded significantly.
Hopefully you will hear more from Allora.
For me, this has been a huge blessing. Like hitting a restart button on our lives and on our marriage. We were doing ok with rebuilding, but it was a constant grind. I felt "stuck", like I had reached an emotional healing plateau and couldn't quite figure out how to move forward. Moving bumped me (us?) out of that rut and back into the next stage of rebuilding.
I don't have to go to bed every night staring at the same ceiling I looked at as I cried myself to sleep as he went of to work (work related affair.) I don't have to stress over him working with the other woman. I don't have to shop at the same stores or eat at the same restaurants or hear about her from people in overlapping circles.
SO many of my triggers are gone and while I logically realize that the OW wasn't the actual problem, my husband's lack of boundaries and inability (or unwillingness?) to say no was really the problem, it's a lot easier working on rebuilding trust without feeling constantly threatened by the OW. It really doesn't matter how "real" a threat is, if you're worried, you're worried and it takes it's toll emotionally, physically, and mentally, and I was constantly worried about the OW.
Also: my husband hit his own "reset" button. He acts completely differently here than he did there. He doesn't buddy up with dispatchers and lawyers (he's highway patrol, she was assistant DA) the way he did where we were. He maintains completely professional boundaries, and yet, he's more friendly and open with his fellow officers, giving him more accountability at work, too. They would all tattle on him if he ever did anything to hurt me, unlike where we were before where they all just kept their mouths shut - not so much "bro code" but more, "Meh, I don't really know him, who am I to judge?"
The guys there had all been in multiple marriages (and divorces), whereas here, almost all are "lifers" in marriage (rare in his profession!) Granted, we have no control over this, but it does give me a sense of peace to know that he's around like minded people at work, now.
And more and more and more. I have budding friendships - true friendships, not just neighbors I can count on in a crisis - blossoming in this new area. We have gotten involved in the local UU church. Our daughter is a straight A student and was on an undefeated championship basketball team - before she was an emotional wreck. My husband and I go on regular date nights (a new area to explore! and we don't have to stress running into the OW!) It's a fresh start in a fresh place and we've all taken on fresh identities and fresh perspectives.
It wasn't easy getting here, but if I were presented with the choice again, I would not only make the same choice, but I would make it sooner and swifter. Moving was the best thing we could have ever done.
NOW we don't work on recovering, we work on rebuilding. NOW I don't focus on getting over the affair, I focus on how to be a better wife and how to ask my husband for the things I want and need from him. NOW he looks to ME for support and nurturing instead of feeling alone and isolated or turning to another woman. NOW we work on building skills and tools for our relationship instead of just surviving the daily strife of triggers and emotional trauma.
I don't think moving is necessary for every couple, but for us, it has made a HUGE difference.
Each year he gets more into living and being part of our community. He's met neighbors that I've known for years. He comes to gatherings with my friends and their signification others.
He's like a new kid in school just learning about everything. So for me the staying was the right choice. His A took place through his job 40 minutes away.
His job is my trigger space for many reasons. I've come a long way with that but still, it's not my favorite place to be.