Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
I haven't really discussed this here publicly because of privacy issues, but I don't know how to describe this with vagaries.
Huz is a cop. OW is an assistant district attorney. So, yeah, work place affair - sort of - since they didn't exactly work in the same place, just together. Well, Huz just got a subpoena which calls him back to the county and court where he worked before. Where he met the OW. Where he had the affair. Yay.
For those of you who still live in the same area or whose spouse still works with or encounters the affair partner on a regular basis, you have my deepest condolences. I couldn't handle it. I was breaking down more and more with each passing month, and even though our marriage was getting better, internally, I never could move past it all to the next stage of healing while I was constantly being triggered and while there was any chance of him working with the OW. Moving three hours away was the best thing we EVER did. Truly.
I found out about all this today after being out all day with my 14 y/o daughter and her friend. Huz pulled me aside and said, "We need to talk," which is NEVER a good thing, right? Ugh. My heart sank. I started to get sick to my stomach. Hah - my anxiety was nothing compared to his. I thought he'd puke. I was so proud of him, though. He handled everything the way we have talked about in the past. He told me as soon as he could, he told me in person, instead of via text or email or some dumb voice mail. He already asked all the questions I would want him to ask (like would the OW be the attorney handling the case, would she be present, would this be a multiple day case where he'd have to stay the night, etc.) Frankly, the conversation was nearly (but not quite) comfortable for me. I am so proud of that man.
And... if I can say... of me. I put "emotional Allora" into a tight little box and told her she could come out later, and just listened actively (you know... "So what you're saying is...?" "So what I'm hearing is...?") and once I had all the facts I let him tell me how he thought he'd like to proceed, instead of interjecting angry demands, and we just discussed logistics and facts and figures. He was def more emotional about the conversation than me, which made me proud. I'm usually oozing with all the feelz.
For the record, no the OW won't be at all part of the case. To my knowledge, she won't even be at that court on that day. It's a one day deal, and I will be going with Huz. It's a felony case, so I won't be able to sit in on the actual trial, but I get to hang out at the courthouse and read or work on my crocheting or knitting while he actually testifies. We both (enthusiastically) agreed to this and are looking forward to spending the day hanging out - and him getting paid overtime for it. Heh.
Even as recently as two and a half years ago, this would have turned into an ugly, emotional, hot mess of icky. Instead, we've turned it into an opportunity for bonding. Who'da thunk it?
Huz is a cop. OW is an assistant district attorney. So, yeah, work place affair - sort of - since they didn't exactly work in the same place, just together. Well, Huz just got a subpoena which calls him back to the county and court where he worked before. Where he met the OW. Where he had the affair. Yay.
For those of you who still live in the same area or whose spouse still works with or encounters the affair partner on a regular basis, you have my deepest condolences. I couldn't handle it. I was breaking down more and more with each passing month, and even though our marriage was getting better, internally, I never could move past it all to the next stage of healing while I was constantly being triggered and while there was any chance of him working with the OW. Moving three hours away was the best thing we EVER did. Truly.
I found out about all this today after being out all day with my 14 y/o daughter and her friend. Huz pulled me aside and said, "We need to talk," which is NEVER a good thing, right? Ugh. My heart sank. I started to get sick to my stomach. Hah - my anxiety was nothing compared to his. I thought he'd puke. I was so proud of him, though. He handled everything the way we have talked about in the past. He told me as soon as he could, he told me in person, instead of via text or email or some dumb voice mail. He already asked all the questions I would want him to ask (like would the OW be the attorney handling the case, would she be present, would this be a multiple day case where he'd have to stay the night, etc.) Frankly, the conversation was nearly (but not quite) comfortable for me. I am so proud of that man.
And... if I can say... of me. I put "emotional Allora" into a tight little box and told her she could come out later, and just listened actively (you know... "So what you're saying is...?" "So what I'm hearing is...?") and once I had all the facts I let him tell me how he thought he'd like to proceed, instead of interjecting angry demands, and we just discussed logistics and facts and figures. He was def more emotional about the conversation than me, which made me proud. I'm usually oozing with all the feelz.
For the record, no the OW won't be at all part of the case. To my knowledge, she won't even be at that court on that day. It's a one day deal, and I will be going with Huz. It's a felony case, so I won't be able to sit in on the actual trial, but I get to hang out at the courthouse and read or work on my crocheting or knitting while he actually testifies. We both (enthusiastically) agreed to this and are looking forward to spending the day hanging out - and him getting paid overtime for it. Heh.
Even as recently as two and a half years ago, this would have turned into an ugly, emotional, hot mess of icky. Instead, we've turned it into an opportunity for bonding. Who'da thunk it?
Thank you for sharing this milestone!