Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
Ok, from counseling a few ways to build trust in a broken relationship are: Being able to have access to cell phones , pagers and codes . Being able to see the other persons email Right??? Well I had a major break down yesterday that my source at H work tells me that things have not changed with thew OW, she still leaves the unit like before does not have lunch with the others and does not see any changes. My H tells me that he has had no contact and wants me to believe him.( I don't know why now)I do have access to his phone and code for his messages , the page is out and visible . Now Last night , I asked him to open his email and let me see for myself that there are no messages to or from the OW. He denied this request saying that he wants me to trust him!! What do you all think.. I had a really bad day yesterday left work early and drove all over the area around his work about the time they have lunch... I saw nothing..Cryed all day so emotional... He thinks that I can trust him from the things he is doing ( I think that is reassurance emotional), like giving me cards and flowers and spending every minute with me... Is this a way to build trust am I not getting it or what.. Please help, you all seem to make me see it from different point of views.
we are going back to counseling together in two weeks .
we are going back to counseling together in two weeks .
Even if nothing is going on that is NO WAY for him to help you rebuild trust. Blind trust is what got us into this mess in the first place and he still wants BLIND trust from you? That makes no sense.
If you're gut is telling you one thing and your H is telling you the opposite, I would pursue it. Put a keylogger on his computer. You should not be having bad days at work and leaving early to check up on him. He should be helping you build the trust. How long past d-day are you?
I would bring it up in counseling.
Have you read any books? Has he?
if he wont let you open his email account somethings up. Explain to him that you didn't break the trust, he did and he has a lot of work he needs to do to get it back.
Good Luck!!
It doesn't matter if they deem it silly. Refusing builds mistrust. They must be totally transparent and open.
In my situation, when he was transparent with everything, it would reinforce our bond... I could tell him that I was worrying about her contacting him... and he would reassure me with visual and physical proof and with that open communication about the why I needed the transparency. It's like a two way street, transparency leads to open communication, leads to building trust and a feeling of being safe.
Early on, I would tell my H that my blind trust of his "words" are what allowed him to take advantage of me. He understood totally.
Other things I do which has built the trust...
-- I never overreact to what he tells me when we are discussing the A. That's a sure fire way to make him shut down... avoiding that BIG confrontation.
-- He calls me when he's leaving work and during the work day... accountability.
-- We schedule time to have lunch together once a week... quality time together.
chewdy, saying and doing are two different things. He needs to do what you need him to do and not just say the words.
I'm with loving... if he hadn't opened his life up totally I would have left.
Flowers and cards are nice, but he's still hiding something from you. don't let him get away with it.
In our case, there was nothing done via email or cell phones, but nevertheless, I had full access to all of it. (except his work email of course, but again, they didn't use it) I searched the cell phone records myself, he gave me every password he had to voice mail, email etc.
His willingness to do all those things, sometimes without me asking, said a great deal. He also calls me from work every day, and calls me when he is on his way home. This isn't something I demanded though, he has almost always called me when on his lunch hour. He calls me when he's on his way home because the last few years have been crazy and he gets out of work later than normal at times.
The biggest reason I have come back to full trust of my H is because he's not given me any reason to suspect anything. He has gone to counseling, read books, answered EVERY question I have asked, been totally transparent, done anything I've asked of him. He never put any blame on me, he owned it fully, took full responsibility for his actions.
He completely cut off all contact with the OW. The few times last year he had to speak to her at work, he told me. He has avoided after work "get-togethers" in case she would show up. He doesn't go to any work picnics or parties and doesn't ask me to go either. He leaves the building at lunch time through the main doors instead of through the staff doors so he won't run into her. He eats his lunch in his car or at his desk, not in the main lunch room.
There isn't anything he needed to do that he hasn't done.
We're at 2 years post Dday now and doing very well. It's been a long road, but I'm glad I didn't bail on a 32 year marriage because of 3 dark years.
You need to tell him that.
http://www.ultimatebetrayal.com/Rebuilding.html
Its been 2 years since d-day
The other day, I asked him if I could see his phone, and without hesitation he said sure. So I didn't even need to look at it cause I could tell by his reaction that he wasnt hiding anything.
Trust comes with time, but to get it back all cards must be put on the table, everything must be disclosed and they have to be willing, when they complain that they want their privacy, tell them that they forfeited that right (temporarily) when they decided to lie and cheat.... Don't ever feel bad for something they did, it was not u who broke the trust.