First of all anguished (((Hugs)))to you. I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. Please know that you are not alone here. You can always come to us.

I'm 7 month's out and just found this site within the last week. It so far has been so comforting to know that there are others who have experienced that ache that you feel. I myself am one of them. I hurt so bad sometimes that I cannot see straight.

Those ugly thoughts that you speak of, I think we all have them. I still have them although they are not as frequent as the once were. I have been taking antidepressants now for about 5 month's. SO maybe they are what is keeping them "under control" so to speak. For me its the images of the emails that I read, the words that they used, the horror that I felt that night after reading them. I even experienced a movie that my wonderful mind made for me. It was in reference to the heartfelt kiss they shared. I have not come to a point that I wanted to hear the gory details on that one. So my head took care of it for me. That one was difficult and still shows up periodically. They are the kind of thoughts that you just cannot make go away, they are there and they now are a part of you. My therapist is currently trying to teach me some relaxation exercises and "how to change the channel". We will see if it works or not.

I to have serious self esteem issues, anxiety and all of the other stuff. The self esteem has long been around but like you this caused it to go into complete overdrive. I actually asked him the other night if I should color my hair. Yeah I'm a co-dependent on top of it all.

Hang in there anguished we are all here for you.

The worst part is that this is the man who I trusted and respected most in the world, the one who was supposed to have my back and be my best friend. I have lost him as a best friend for sure and I can't trust him. I too am on antidepressants. They make me feel less sad but don't help with those pictures and thoughts.

I have described it to H as being like this...

I'm in the ocean and drowning, he is the lifeguard that is trying to save me although he was the one that pushed my head underwater. I look at him and I just do not know him anymore. This is not the man that I married. He promised my Mom that he would protect me at all costs. Part of me is happy that she is no longer with us to witness the pain and destruction that HE has caused. But then I miss her so much as she could easily put her arms around me and make me feel better.

I'm probably more scared then I have ever been in my life.

anitdepressants.... that's what worked for me... i don't know where i would be right now without them... i know it's not for everyone, but I highly reccommend them :)

I started taking them 2 weeks ago and they are helping. My doctor say that it sometime takes 2 months to feel better!

I'm scared all the time too, my.... fear comes over me sometimes and just covers me like a sheet... and even though I have fear most of the time.... I know the medication is helping. Before meds. I didn't want to get out of the bed, and I considered checking more than one time... Dday was Sept. 2008...

Dday was Sept. 6 2009

For me, when I hit the one year after dday mark, I felt a real sense of relief. The only way I know how to describe it is.... I no longer had to think of the previous years as OW and H being together.... Now it was another year past us, so when I reflect on last year, although tough, the memories are much better.... Your dday is exactly a year after mine....

I'm the betrayer and I am the one on anti-depressants, I got so bad that my whole body would shake.

Me too, Iregret... I would have minor anxiety attacks... sweating profussly... it was awful... the meds. help me so much... i don't think i would have been able to handle the rebuilding process without them....

My H is taking xanax and is going though severe shame feelings. The trouble is that he withdraws from me and gets angry at himself when these periods hit. Though I understand he is going through a rough time this doesn't help me. He chose to cheat. I didn't get a choice, should feel sorry for him? I do know he truely regrets his behavior but why did he do it if he didn't want to loose me?

Anguished, my husband cheated for a week and a half and it was a week after we celebrated our 11 year wedding anniversary. I know my situation is not the same as if it had gone on for 4 years. I'm 7 months out from DDay and I havn't taken antidepresents (just had a baby 3 months ago, to be honest she saved my life, I couldn't take it with her inside). Anyway, the visions are still there, I wish I could say that I've gone a day without thinking about it or without having the images in my head but I can't. I can say that they're not there every second of the day, definitely on an hourly basis but when I first found out I couldn't even sleep for 3 days because every time I closed my eyes I saw them. I find myself needing to busy my head with something constantly (not hard with 3 kids under 5) but any idle time like in the shower I start bawling my eyes out. Time is healing, God is healing and I am hoping that maybe in the next 7 months I'll go an entire day without thinking about it, hopefully. LIke you my husband was my best friend, that's the most painful part. He's been working hard to prove his love for me, hopefully your husband is doing the same.

i hope it goes away. idk though sometimes. anything and everything makes me think she is cheating or wanting him. all the time. i cant think straight most of the time.

My H is really trying on most days. Sometimes he has a bad day at work and wants to be lft alone which is OK. I am trying a new tenique to help get rid of the thoughts. Every time I start to feel them I say to myself I AM A GOOD PERSON over and over again and it does help chase them away.