This isnt really a rebuilding topic - but this was the board I most frequented on DS and I wanted to post an update - hope you don't mind.

Two years ago today - my world was shattered. The unthinkable became my reality. My precious sweet loving beloved husband of 11 years was revealed to be a cheater liar betrayer and heart breaker. The endless waves of sorrow were relentless and unpredictable. The storms of anger like nothing I had ever felt.

Two years later - I am looking ahead. Maybe because I have processed it. Maybe because it's simply too painful to stay in the pain.

He never helped me. Would never fully disclose. never had a moment of compassion. Never did the things I asked him to do begged him to do threatened and pleaded and cajoled him to do.

He says he love me still but his actions are not loving.

I stayed too long, begged too much, tried to hold on to a dream that was already irreperably broken but I didnt know it.

Giving up my faith in him - in us - in what I thought we had had - took longer, much longer than I would have thought. He had hurt me SO badly - and yet the love did not die overnight. I wish it had.

It died slowly. And painfully. A little bit each hour each day each week over time. I would ask him to hold me - he would say I was being too needy. A small death.

He would walk in on me crying. And then walk out as if I were invisible. Another death.

I would try and talk to him - ask him to share with me - ask him to listen - beg him to acknowledge me. He would leave the room without saying a word. Death - death - the love dies. Slowly - painfully - but it does die.

Now I am in a place of resignation. Not sad resignation. Peaceful resignation.

Now I can see him for who he is. And us for what we are not anymore.

I feel like I made may many mistakes in the last two years. But I am also still standing. Still being a great mom to my kids. And on most days still functioning in the world.

So, two years out -- I am changing my position from having so long been the victim -- to congratulating myself for having got thru this and finally finding a path into my future.

No, I'm not happy about divorce. But I tried everything I could to avoid divorce and it simply was not possible.

The first year I cried every single. day. Sobs - not whimpers. Yes, every single day for over 365 days and I'm not a big crier. I had nightmares that seemed they would never end.

Now -- I hardly ever cry about it and if so, only a few quick tears. The nightmares are gone.

It hasn't ended the way I wanted -- but thank god it has ended.

I look forward to what the future will bring.