Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
Ok, my husband has basically shut down on me. He speaks to me in one word sentences, if at all. Until recently I thought it was a combination of the A and how much he said he hates his job. A few weeks ago he decided he wanted to have some of his friends from work over for a cook-out. Well, turns out most of his work friends are female. I got to hear about all their office antics and jokes (most I didn't get because I'm not there).Well this threw me for a loop because I thought he was miserable all day. It seems he gives them the good and saves the s*&% for me when he gets home. I've become very jealous and almost obessed over his relationship with his co-workers. I hate it!!! Before the A it would not have bothered me as much. I know I don't have a right to feel this way considering what I did. I just would like some advise on how to get past it. Maybe I feel he just doesn't want me anymore. Then why doesn't he say so? I just want to be the one he turns to, I want to be the one who makes him happy. I WANT TO FIX THIS!! Sometimes I think I'm gonna go crazy!!!!!!
As for his relationship with his coworkers, believe me, just because he is laughing and joking with them, it does not mean that he is having the time of our life. To get through things, we all develop a mask. To function at work, sometimes we need to hide how we are really feeling. When he is with you, that mask can come down. If he had no time in his day to show how he really feels, then he would most likely fall apart.
As for being jealous about his relationship with coworkers, cannot really help you there. Be happy that he is popular and liked and had positive people around him. Imagine that jealousy a thousand times and it may give you a idea of how he feels.
To fix this you have to be there for him, fight your own jealousy, show him all the reasons why he fell in love with you in the first place, and be there for him, a constant and safe place. He is low, but still with you. Imagine how hard that is and how deeply you have to love someone when they have destroyed their world. If you cannot keep you head up, he does not stand a chance. It takes a long time and a lot of tough days to recover. There is no simple fix.
My husband HATES his job but I am sure he is cordial to his co-workers. Sad thing is, it was his job that helped fuel the fire for his A. He had spoken to me on numerous occasions regarding how much he hated it and wanted to get out. Over and over again I told him that if he did not like it, then go find another job. After awhile I turned a deaf ear to his work struggles because i got tired of hearing him complain and yet do nothing about it. Along comes the old gf...who is willing to listen for HOURS how unhappy he was and it made me look like a cold-uncaring bitch.
I get the impression that men view their value somewhat based on their success at work and their ability to provide for their family. If that gets out of whack, then stress levels rise and they shut down. Post dday I have tried to be more interested in what is going on at my husband's job (he still hates it) and to ask questions. I think before his affair I had just stopped being interested and he felt unsupported. Now I try to be his cheerleader and point out the good things going on with his job on the days he hates it. I even told him to quit it one time, saying I'd rather live on the streets and have him happy than for him to be miserable everyday. I offered to help him look for a job (there is NOTHING out there in his field). It all felt like futile things at the time, but just seeming more in tune to what he is going through seemed to help him some.
Hang in there. Please try to continue to be patient and I hope he will one day grow back into the person you fell in love with.