no not a good idea..try and focus on something else..you are gonna drive yourself crazy..I know I have been there and I knew the OW.....sending support and lots of hugs!

ugh I know in my head probably not a good idea, but just ughh, the curiosity. H knew her in his childhood. He lost his virginity to her. His sister is on her friends list on fb. She looks like me in some ways, she is my age, and as I have told myself from the beginning, she looks like me, he was looking for me emotionally etc etc, it occurs to me, he knew her first, was I a replacement for her? The girl he never got over who broke his heart and cheated on him when he was 14? ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

My H also knew his ow from childhood. My H is Hatian and I'm not. She is. I always wondered if the cultural differences contributed to him going with her. She saw him like a king. He had his own business and the reconnect for them started when he offered to help finically when she first moved to the united states.

I have never met her but because her son (my h oc) visits and i am becoming an active part of his life, it is unavoidable.

I go through periods of extreme curiosity and periods where I pretend like she doesn't exist. He says she is ugly. I don't believe that. My H is very good looking and his child is too. I think he says that to make me feel better. I can't even pronounce her name lol. I have asked for pictures but he doesn't have any. He helped me try to find her on fb. No success.

Not sure how meeting her will affect me. At least you know what yours looks like.

ugh Pink I can't even truly imagine how strong you have had to be dealing with an oc.

My h reconnected with tow after the tornado in Joplin missouri this spring, his hometown, and where she lived that golden summer he was 14,,,,,sigh. They reconnected on fb.
I have spoken with her on fb and email. She thought we divorcing. That he lived apart from us.
Sad thing is I might have been friends with this woman if we had met under different circumstances.

In my own situation I too believe the OW and I could have easily been friends if that pesky bit about her A in my H hadn't gotten in the way. She is VERY similar to me. Loves to garden, likes antiques, loves music....and the list goes on. I think one of the reasons that their re-connection blossomed so fast is she would say, "I have a garden" and my H would reply, "so does my wife!" and then they start discussing it and the conversations just built and built, etc......We don't look like each other at all and thankfully there are enough differences where I am not left thinking the OW might have been a clone for me.

This obsession thing. A lot of us deal with it. It is frustrating and it will eat you alive. First of all, by putting your focus on the OW, you are taking away time from focusing on what is currently going on. You are also still giving her power over you. And most of all, she isn't the one who made the marriage vows to you....you H did. Some will say she owed you nothing, but I do have an inherent belief that each human owes the other humans around them to be treated with decency and respect and an A just flies right in the face of that.....

I am the queen of obsessions and I am making 2012 MY year to kick her out of my head once and for all and to quit giving her real estate in my brain. I know that is easier said, than done. But I am going to try. I'm not an alcoholic....I'm a Kim-O-Holic, I can't seem to put her down and she is slowly sucking the life out of me. I think I really might need to look into something like the 12 step process to drop her.

My heart does go out to anyone who has these feelings. I have had a perfectly lovely day spiral out of control after having something trigger me to search her on pipl, FB, Mylife and any other search vehicle I could find. And then do it all over again, because I can't stop. I think when you finally recognize that the obsession is like a disease and treat it as such, that maybe you can start finding yourself on the road to recovery.

Beach has it right. The ow isn't married to him, you are. The less you focus on her, the less reason for your H to focus on her. Make her as much in the past and history as possible.

you are right, he's had nc, I'm the one keeping her around.

oh and for the record, Cole, I enjoy your long posts. You have great insight and I always walk away with several points to ponder,,so please keep on doing what you do :)

I'm with you Kansas, I need to get the OW out of my head and stop obsessing... poof! begone. I had a good soulful chat with my best friend the other day about this, she gave me some good things to think about and I am trying really hard to remember her wise words and act on them. I don't want to be captive to this feeling of obsession and hate any more.

Ok imagine she shits herself in public or has some nasty secret habits that would make long term relationships impossible like, hmm she sucks her thumb, or picks her toe jam and eats it. Get a nasty grose thought and make it replace any other thought u have of her. Maybe she wears big nasty stained granny panties, or has hairy tits, are u smiling at the thought of these? I can keep it going. If you are going to obsess u may as well giggle.

lmaooooo my smile got bigger and bigger as I read :)

lol I started smiling at thumb sucking and giggling at the toe jam.

lol Kansas. I apologize for not making that one longer. ;)

I have talked to one OW on the phone... I have often thought about trying to show up and have her meet me f2f so the reality of ME is in her head too. She thought he was a divorced dad and she was envisioning her life with him, so she was blindsided too. However once she found out he was married she tried to encourage him to leave us because she loved him so much and he couldn't really love me because of what he has done.
Yeah, thinking about them makes me sooo sick. I am queasy all the time. On the plus side I have lost 22 pounds since Oct. Best I've looked in years. LOL

lol @ Cole, forgiven this time :)

@ trying yeah tow in my case also was envisioning herself moving here and taking care of my H and living happily ever after, luckily for me after dday she has not tried to pursue him. She has told me in email though that she is heartbroken, she will never get over it, but that he loves me, has always loved me and never loved her. The part of me that always wants to help people is having a hard time with that. MC addressed that last night,, it's not up to me to help her heal.