She doesnt live around here, she n H knew each other the summer he was 14 and she 15. The reconnected after tornado hit their home town, started chatting online in June, he drove to see her one time in August and had sex, I found out in November , because he wanted me to find out and put an end to it .
just little back ground info

I don't think it is wise to be friends with the OW. It still allows a door open for her into your marriage. I think to be successful, the door has to be completely shut on both sides. Down the road she might decide that it is okay to start talking with your H again because she is talking with you.

If she's completely out of the picture, then I'd delete her. If you think she's one of the psycho variety that some of us have dealt with, I'd keep an eye on her.

The one thing I wish my H would have done that he didn't was to call the OW and tell her it was over in front of me. Of course, he says there was no point in that because they had already ended it. What else was there left to do? So kudos to your H for doing this very important step in the rebuilding process,

I agree - no reason to be friends with TOW. Although she had no idea that your H was married, she does now, so what would the point be in establishing a friendship?

Thanks guys,, you are all telling me what that little voice was telling me to do, dump her from fb, but guess I needed outside confirmation,, not quite trusting that little voice.
Feel a little guilty about it, I used her, got what I wanted ( info on H) dump her now that I'm done,, just like he did. HOw messed up is that or am I? lol ha

It's really not messaed up at all. My Hworks with the TOW - still a sore subject. But I'd rather haev him tell me about his day - even if it includes her - than to imagine what's taking place. My version is usually much, much worse!

I don't think you used her at all. Sure, you got confirmation from her. But seruisly, what expectations could there be to have more than that? You've done really well in getting, obtaining, confirming. She is of no further use to you. If that sounds harsh or that you used her, than so be it.

Destinedtobe, I wished my H had done that too, but he didn't. Didn't want to 'hurt' her anymore. That nonaction on his part did so much to damage our recovery. I was hurting and he was worried about hurting her more. Jerk!!

I think what I would do is send her a private message and tell her that you do not consider her a friend and only friended her to get access to all of her information and for he to see that you are a real person with a real life and that you are a real spouse to the man that she had sex with. She would then think twice of repeating this act, and she would not be as trusting of a man telling her he was divorced. Tell her that the next time this happens she should friend the man first on FB which would show her if he is married or not. I would only do it this way to let her know that you are watching out for you marriage, that you will play the strategic part to do so (friending just to get knowledge for your own self) and tell her that she should have no contact with him in the future or she will pay a price for it.

This was your husband's fault not her's, but she is not your friend, and if I was you I would put an exclamation point of the finish to prevent her from even thinking of 'friendly communication' with your husband in the future. And I would tell your husband. He will now know what you are capable of to protect your turf.

Just saying. I have to admit after my wife's affair she has seen the cynical strategic side of me come out. The guy she cheated with was a lawyer also, from another state, and I left messages on his voice mail. Law firms never delete voice mails for liability reasons. It forced him to try and deny it in a return message. This was in addition to my emails to him. He finally got the message loud and clear of the havoc I would wreak on his life if he made as much as a phone call to my wife. I would make it public to all of his fellow attorneys at his firm via a mass email, I would contact the BBB in his area, and I would send an email to every judge in his district. I made these threats in addition to telling him I would fly in and knock on his door and introduce myself to his wife, and see if we could have a nice chat over tea. I seriously doubt she is not aware of his being a serial cheater, but what the hell, it truly is something that I would have done had he not made a clean exit from our lives.

She is not your friend....She is NOT YOUR friend.....

Your focus now is on the Friend you live with. There is not room for three in a relationship!!

I wish I would have had the guts to contact OW husband and expose her.

Whodathunk, you are absolutely right when you describe the activity on fb,, after I friended her, I made sure I was posting regular status updates about what "we" were doing, updating pics etc sorta thumbing my nose at her and establishing my turf again.
Olive you are right, no room for her here now,, she served her purpose, or her season, and now time for her to be completely gone. She is not married however, so noone for me to rat her out too, however gratifying THAT would have been :)

I think you should tactfully message her and tell her good luck in life and you will not be in touch any further. If my H had lied to the OW and told her we were divorced and living apart, I would feel as badly for her being lied to as I did for myself being deceived. I think it was absolutely ok for you to contact her to confirm details that your H told you and make sure the story was straight. I also understand you wanting to click on her page all the time, and make sure she saw status updates about you and your H... but at this point I think it will probably hurt you both to keep this up - it will hurt her because it keeps reminding her of how she was deceived, and now that you are reconciling, it will fuel your lust for revenge and retaliation. Part ways peacefully, but part ways. That is what I would do.

Adding to the agreement, the sooner you make her history in both of your lives, the sooner you can move forward.

I know who the OM was, I've seen his picture on FB. Never personally met him. I did watch as my wife posted an email to him that it was over. And twice after that, I had to send emails telling him to back off. So far, this last one seems to have stuck. He was practically stalking her when she cleaned a client's house in his neighborhood. She said recently she saw him drive by, and that he never slowed down or even so much as looked at the house. We both think he got the message this time and if finally moving on.

So, yeah, defriend her. It sucks your H lied to her, she is as far as we know at this point, innocent. But you don't want to provide opportunity for any temptation to suck her back into it.

I was friends with OW before DD. OW was positioned to me as a friend from 20+ years ago by H, that H had reconnected with on FB (what kind of havoc has FB inflicted upon countless marriages?). I even recall H asking me (prior to A) if I minded if he have coffee with her, and I thought nothing of it at the time. Stupid me. H just neglected to inform me that subsequently, they had 3 sexual experiences together before they stopped and decided to remain friends only. I met her after the A. My daughter became good friends with her son. Yeah, it's that bad, double betrayal, and pain for my kid (she still asks if she can see OW's son..what do I say?). She and I became really good friends, and had so much in common it was scary. Sick, but we really enjoyed hanging out together. I was actually psyched at the time because I thought that I had found such a good friend. We even went through dual sexual harassment cases together at the same time, and provided mutual emotional support to one another, and traded legal advice. Oh, yes. OW complained about her H to me, and I complained about my H to her. Just 3 days before DD, OW helped manage my daughter's 7th birthday party with mer, and I was grateful for her help (the party venue was a nightmare). Special, huh?

Once I found H's and OW's emails from about 1.5 years prior to DD, where they profess love for one another, talk about dumping their respective spouses and running off together in the sunset, talking about the great sex, et al., my first move was to forward the email to OW, and ask her WTF?? I got a phone call from OW. I still have no clue how much of what she said to me was honest, and how much was CYA activity so that I would not tell her always-traveling, but fabulously wealthy husband about all of this, although she told me that I could tell her H if I felt so inclined. I didn't tell her H, as I adored her kids (a decision that I will never know was the right one or not). She called me on my phone that is built into my car (I was alone at the time, on my way to picking up my kid from camp), and I had to pull over the car to throw up. Oh, yes. She waited for me to finish, and then we continued the discussion. OW's memorable comment to me was that my H "didn't deserve me." Really? Does he deserve you then?

H did the NC, and I monitored all of his activity for months to verify that this was the case. Sick, but H told me that OW kept coming after him for more (he alleges that he was the one to cut off the A), and that he actually introduced OW to me so that OW would stop, as she would become jealous of me, and needy, whiny, etc.SICK.

I was the one who actually kept up the conversation with OW after DD. I stopped after I kept getting the same responses (all email on FB), about what a POS she was, her actions were inexcusable, she thanked me for my "discretion" (i.e., not telling her H), blah, blah. I unfriended her on FB, and have seen both her and her H separately in public since, but that's about it.

OW was never a friend. OW can never be a friend, it's just not possible. My advice is don't waste your time obsessing over OW (if you can avoid it). I know the impulse is there.

For me, the bottom line is that, yeah, sex is all exciting and hot and whatever in the escapist mode of an illicit sexual affair with no underlying responsibilities. It is simply not possible to compare an affair with the daily grind of marriage. These are two separate and non-comparable entities.

I was obsessed over OW, and would OW replace me with my H? Does my H still want her? Does he wish that he had gone off with her 20+ years ago when the opportunity was there? H and I went over and over this one ad nauseum.

What stuck with me was when my H told me that he had already made his choice. He had chosen marriage with me, over something else with OW. H told me that he could never envision himself married to OW, and that he did not want to deal with OW ("she's high maintenance.") Meaning, I am low? I find that hard to believe, but whatever.

I will never know what the truth is, and of what was told to me was actually true. Do I care still? Not really. I only don't care because H has not contacted OW at all since DD.

I heard it from others on this board who told me to stop wasting time obsessing over OW. They are right. It just takes time to process it.

Unfriend her on FB, don't bother to talk with her. She has nothing insightful to offer you. and can never be a friend.

I'm in a similar situation, though I did not friend her on FB. She didn't know about me, and she lives overseas in Asia. When she found out about me by finding pictures of my H and me and our son online, she confronted him and forced him to tell me. Then she insisted on talking to me as proof he told me. At first I refused, but then I realized she was a victim, too. She was so angry at him, but being of the same culture, I was able to calm her down with firm compassion. She was so naive. They talked about marriage, kids, her moving to the U.S. She apparently even told her mother about him. Towards the end of the half hour conversation, she and I lamented the fact that we could have been friends in other circumstances.

I constantly compare myself with her. She's like a career-oriented single version of me. It's hard to fathom the thought of even trying to contact her. I just post some public pics of my son and me to show her (I'm fairly certain she's checking on me, too.) how we're doing. She had a lousy "boyfriend," and I'm somewhat jealous that she has no strings attached to that relationship. I'm sort of "stuck" in some ways, but I have a family I need to think about. She selectively posts a lot of pics of eating out, and I feel like it must be a very lonely and painful existence for her to have thought she was so close to finally starting a family.

It sort of makes me want to punch him in the gut just once on her behalf.