Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
When discovery is fresh, the subject is at the forefront of every conversation, but eventually the frequency diminishes. (Halleluhaj). I am just curious how often you and your spouse touch on the subject of his/her infidelity. I know that it is SO important to table it and not make it the focal point of your marriage, however, when it has caused such a profound effect, where is the balance? How do you, as a BS keep the balance? How do you broach the subject without getting the "eyeroll." For example, if having experienced a trigger, sometimes that in turn can trigger a nagging question, etc. Or...even a situation that may not be directly linked, but is magnified because of? I have learned timing is important (Not one of my strengths) but i think that - in my H's opinion anyway, there is never a good time - hence the eye roll.
HE has learned that when I am triggered I have to talk about it AND that I am NOT PUNISHING him.
WE has learned that it is important to share our feelings - and not stuff them and let them fester.
I don't know how we got there - but it took me a long time - and many many repeats of "I'm not trying to punish you. I am trying to let you know where I am and why."
As far as "how often?", that's tricky because sometimes it comes up as part of another conversation but not as the main subject. It only comes up as a "we need to talk" way when I have new question. That's maybe every 8 months. However we went through a major setback this past summer and fall due to old/new (old to him new to me) info. We are still in therapy but past that part and working on improving other deficits.
So, like, "This song is sort of triggery for me. I need to turn if off, OK?"
We don't need to delve into the past. He knows what happened. So do I. There have been rare occasions when the poor boy was completely confused and had to ask for clarification or wanted to know why, at which point I will generally say, "Are you sure you really want to go there?" That usually makes him realize what the general topic is and he'll usually drop it, but he always offers, "I just don't want you to feel like you can't talk about something if you need to."
It's a nice offer, but it NEVER goes well if we revisit. It's always better for me to stay in THIS moment and let him know what will make things better right NOW, rather than let him know how he messed up back then. Hah.
To be fair: We have had 5 years to rehash this crap. I know all the details. Nothing new has come up in a very, very long time. Neither of us have any contact with the OW - I don't even stalk her on FB or Instagram anymore. Before all of my questions were answered and before I had a full picture of what happened, I don't think I could have at all just dropped the subject of the affair permanently. I needed to grind out all the information I could possibly get before I could let it go. I'm weird like that.
About two years ago, there was a "new" question I hadn't asked that came up. Ultimately, I decided that the answer didn't matter. It wouldn't change whether or not I stayed with him or whether or not we moved forward in our marriage, so I just dropped it. Unless it was something that would significantly change the approach to how we are moving forward, I don't think I'd bring up any questions about the affair again.
Allora, i have done the same thing-- going into the details...You're right....he and i both know what happened. I don'need to give him a recap. (Why do i do that?)°
I like how when you H has "opened the floor to you, you in turn ask him if he wants to "go there." A really good idea, and so considerate.
my H just recently started to dig deeper into why i might be having a tough day...the first time actually caught me off guard... But there was such sincerity in his voice asnd really wanted to help somehow. I Do shake my head , with a wee bit of a smile when write the following: His first question was... "Did I do something wrong?" (Wellllll........) but as easy as it would have been to rehash I refrained...and redirected my focus..It was one of the first times we were able to talk it through, He patiently answered a question without getting defensive, his voice full of compassion. Of course...This was over the phone so i couldn't see an eye-roll, but i honestly don't think there was one... I didn't "hear" it anyway.
Pink..like you. Sometimes the subject comes up as part of another conversation. But wow... I have a way to go before i reach the 8 month interval. I am so happy you and your H are working through the new/old info,
You All are such an inspiration your strength, perseverance and commitment to making it work! Thank you for sharing your journey. You are helping many.
H will mention it occassionally - not details, but about that general timeframe. He seems to acknowledge that he had a crisis of some sort - spiritual? emotional? integrity? - and that he is better now than he was then. He's started talking about the bigger issues lately, maybe because I don't get upset or freak out anymore. I think its been triggered by some recent events on his side of the family and the ingrained dysfunction is more apparent.
Maybe he's had the time and space to think about these things and doesn't feel he has to defend himself because I don't get triggered and react like I used to. Time and distance has allowed us to be more objective and it doesn't feel as personal anymore.