Maybe it's the commuting and being away that hurts.

It does make sense. Those emotional bruises and triggers are different for everyone.

The best advice I have is to be mindful. When you start to sink, rather than going into an emotional panic, look around and say: is this "real" (of course it FEELS real!) or is this residual? Am I hurting because "right now" or am I hurting because of the past?

Then try to figure out what you need in that moment. Comfort? Reassurance? Stepping away from the trigger? This was the part that didn't come natural or easy for me. I knew I hurt or that I was angry or scared or jealous or... But I didn't know how to comfort myself or to ask for comfort. It also didn't help that identifying my feelings to my husband left him feeling attacked regardless of how I phrased it. "I am feeling sad," = "you make me unhappy" in his mind.

For me, a lot was trial and error. I didn't experience precisely what you did, but if I had, I might have tried different things. I love "dreaming" with my husband (you know, planning a dream house/vacation, talking about how we would spend lotto winnings, etc.) so if hearing his voice made me sad, I would turn that voice into something pleasant. Eventually, if conversations on the phone with your Huz bring pleasure (hmmmm... Maybe a little naughty phone play if you can pull that off!) you will associate good/happy/pleasant with hearing from him instead of associating sad/hurt.

Failing that, you might try steering clear in that moment. "Can we text for awhile instead?" might be something you could request.

If those things work, you might fiddle with when he calls you. Could be that the later at night he calls the more prone you are to brooding. (Speaking for myself, anyway.). Could be something he is or isn't saying. Could be that if you're initiating the call you need him to (or reverse.)

I was pretty freaked out and upset every time Huz went to work for a long while until I realized it wasn't him *leaving* and it wasn't even him working (entirely) but the fact that it was graveyard shift where there was little accountability and a lot of room and time for foul play. When he switched to day shift - yep I still was a little sad when he went to work, but I didn't fall apart inside. It was a huge improvement.

If you're seeing and feeling ANY improvement, I believe there is hope. If the sad never goes away then maybe you can't move past this. And that's ok. No one says you have to. It doesn't seem like all the moments are bad ones for you, though, so I wouldn't drop your marriage as a lost cause just yet.

Yes yes yes.

This. EXACTLY this. Sometimes I would lie in bed and the thought would hit me - I am "sleeping with the enemy". Here I am in bed with my greatest enemy.....

I didn't find any gold cure to that other than... time. As simple as that. Its been 2 years and 8 months since DDay, of his continuous commitment, hard work and visible change. I can tell you that I hardly ever have those now. I do have triggers, but he himself is not often a trigger anymore.
Hope it helps and gives you some light at the end of the tunnel.

Like jayalexander - ' Yes, yes, yes !!!!!!! After my latest trip on the 'roller coaster" I identified that I RESENT him for putting me on it. Identifying that resentment is a good step. But I don't know what to do with it. (Ironically - in REAL life - he loves roller coasters -- me - not so much.)

He, too, has done EVERYTHING humanly possible to repent, repair, and re-new. (I just made that up.)
BUT, quite often, when I am saying "I love you" to him, a corner of my brain is in the past (with the pain) and not in the present with him. The main, repeating and repeating sentence in my head is "how could you do that to me? How could you hurt me like that? All I ever did was love and trust you."
When I get stuck there I have to make myself re-focus on something else.

"He IS a good man. He is a GOOD man. HE IS A GOOD MAN!" "STAY IN THE PRESENT WITH HIM, AND PLAN OUR FUTURE TOGETHER !"

Thank you all for your reply! I take everything i read here to heart... Ache for all of us who have been through this,
Thank you all for being here!

, jayalexander wrote "It's been 2 years ... of his continuous commitment, hard work and visible change."

My H does this, too. Maybe I was more insecure to start with… too many issues from childhood … I’m not good enough…. I don’t deserve….. maybe ... probably.

I AM worried that I can't let go - because of how I was raised - or because of 'genetics'. My mother really held grudges - then bring them back up occasionally - forever. My H even told me after DDay that he hoped I would not be like my mom. I HOPE SO, TOO.
I AM TRYING, I REALLY AM. ... (tears)

Allora... You may be right in that it is more the fact that he is commuting and not here being the main source of sadness. The fact alone, that i rarely fall apart when around him, that can somewhat keep it together certainly lends itself to that theory.

Learning to filter the feelings of panic and determine whether they are residual or in the now is a good plan of action. (Oh something else to work on! (Geeze... Are we tired of all of this work yet?!)

In reading your response I just realized something else. When i do express to my H what i need or how i am feeling about something... He does get frustrated, acting as though like your H, he has been personally attacked. It never occurred to me that that is how HE hears those things. Perhaps that is his way of dealing with his consequences... Taking my bad days personally. Not necessarily a bad thing... Except when when the level of frustration spills over on to us?

Dear gettingback, I am sorry that I just expressed MY pain earlier. I didn't address yours. My H also felt frustrated, and attacked when I would bring up the subject. It took some doing, but I finally convinced him that when I bring up the subject I AM NOT TRYING TO PUNISH HIM. It took well into the second year post-DDay for him/us to come to that understanding.
First, I had to recognize the problem. Then, when he was in a receptive mood, I had to remind him that one of the goals of our re-newed relationship is to be open and honest and able to share our feelings. Finally, I had to repeat many, many times - "I am NOT trying to punish you. I know that you are sorry. I need to share my feelings. I need your support and understanding." After a couple of weeks of this he finally accepted and understood. I am able to let him know when I'm "relapsing" or just had a trigger. He listens and tries to do what he can to comfort me.
I hope this gives you some helpful information - or at least some hope.

Oh my goodness, jill..NO APOLOGIES necessary! I am just so stinkin happy we are all here to help each other through the muck and mire!

Btw... i tried the "i am NOT trying to punish you... I know you are sorry..." With my H this morning. I think he appreciated it! I guess although we need to hear the i am sorry from them, now and then... they probably need to have it validated once in awhile, too?

(like button clicked - if there were one) :)

The offending spouse who is remorseful and doing everything he/she can to make amends and re-build the relationship ABSOLUTELY NEEDS VALIDATION, AFFIRMATION, AND APPRECIATION ! He/she has to know his/her efforts are noticed. (In my case, the lack of that from me is PART of what led to the A in the first place.)

On the other hand, i know my H rarely thinks about the A or the OW. He is concentrating on me, us, his job, the family, >>> the here and now >> and the future.
I don't know if it is a 'guy thing' or if female offenders also recover much faster than the injured spouse.

My H knows that - even now, 3 years later - the A is in my head. It's not always front and center. But it's there. That's what makes me vulnerable to 'relapses' when triggered. For example, last week we drove past the restaurant parking lot where I caught them. Sometimes I can notice it - maybe swear a bit - and move on. Last week, I was tired, he was driving, and there was a lull in the conversation -- It hit me hard and I cried. He comforts me, and lets me cry it out.
I really wish I could highlight, underline, etc.