I'm sort of dealing with this myself. My W said the same thing about not wanting to come home becuase she didn't want to deal with my wrath. I don't blame her. I look back and have realized that I am making a mess of things. Her A is over and I am just as messed up over it as the first day she told me.
So my plan is to make a change. I am sort of 180ing in a way but I want to make her feel better. So I plan on going out and getting her some flowers today and also cooking dinner. She won't have to do much when she gets home and I think she deserves that. She is working OT this week at work as well so she doesn't need the extra stress.
I feel like sometimes we lose sight of why we are trying to rebuild and just focus on all the negative things. I'm going to try to focus on some positives from now on.
I hope that helps some. Good luck tonight.

Sending Support
-Chris

Yeah, it does help, thank you. Completely understand about the 180. The aim is to make the spouse happier, not make him/her paranoid.

I just sent him an email apologizing for hurting him.

I'm wondering if there are any insights from any of the CS out there? What could the BS do to make you feel better? I know, sometimes there's nothing except time, but I have to keep trying to minimize the pain for both of us.

Don't apologize to much tho. I mean he did do this to you and your family. But just try to keep in mind that the yelling and screaming at each other takes a toll on both of you.
That when I realized thi ngs are going down a dark path for the two of us and I decided to turn it around. My W may not show me the right way that she isn't cheating anymore but I know she isn't. And I need to start changing my additude if I want things to work out. Otherwise I am just going to be unhappy for the rest of my marriage/life.
Just be careful with all that new client stuff and see if he keeps you up to date on whats going on. If not then you will have to make it a point to ask just don't turn it into a fight or he won't be receptive to talking.

One thing that helped us was to limit our conversations about the EA to a certain time and place. We usually sit outside with a glass of wine after work and that's where the bulk of our conversations and arguments took place. The rest of the time we did our best to live a normal life for the sake of our daughter so she wouldn't know that anything was wrong.

Our daughter didn't know about the EA until 5 months after DDay, so we had to have our discussions where she couldn't hear them.

I agree with Lisalisa - my W and I did that as well. I felt so sick being home and didn't want to leave work (which is saying a lot b/c I don't like my job). We finally said that our conversations about the A and about really deep issues were NOT to happen in our home. if we needed to talk we'd go on a walk. this has been a HUGE help. I no longer feel anxious and horrible when we are together at home. It's also help us rebuild our HOME the way it should be - HAPPY and SAFE. Keeping the negative outside and dealing with what we need to deal with, and then being able to be inside and focus on the positives.

Ahh, that makes total sense. Our counselor gave us some tips like that, but for some reason I couldn't connect how I could apply it in real life. Now I just have to figure out how to set aside time and space outside the house with a toddler sucking up our normal "working hours." Thanks!

The brief period that we did counselling what I liked the most was that I felt that was MY time to talk about "it" like an open forum.

This has been an issue for us in the past "I" have spoiled many great days bringing the "A" up, and sometimes I would do it on purpose, and sometimes I couldnt help myself.

Wow! I'm not sure how we would have fit our talks around a toddler. My daughter was 12 at the time and thrilled that we were letting her watch TV for hours on end. Maybe you can keep the current bedtime schedule once Daylight Savings starts and it will give you an extra hour.

This is all very fresh for you. We are 9 mo since dday and i am just getting to the point where the questions are finally wearing out. I have asked the same over and over the more pop in. Sometimes he is just gonna have to listen and take it. He owes that to you. MY H was so worn out as was I. That being said it is good to put a time limit, set aside time to discuss and try to get to normal things. It all takes time. A good book we used at the beginning was called Getting Past the A. it is a great help during this sooo confusing time.
This all takes time, it will get better, but it is there is no quick fix. Everyday, minute, hour feels different. That is normal. Try to take care of you. Do something that makes you feel good. Take a walk, get your hair or nails done. Take time for you.

Sending support

One more thought, would it be possible to hire a sitter for a couple hours so you and H can have time to talk?

My H and I did most of our talking at night after our boys were in bed. We had a set "date" every night at 9PM. We didn't only use that time to talk about the A. We also used it as a time to reconnect.

I know my W has been very patient with me the various times I continued to talk about the A over and over during those first few weeks. It was like a 24-7 cable news show: affair talk any time, all the time. To her credit, she never once complained even though I know it was hurting her at times. She simply said, "I signed up for this, you didn't."

She's lucky, though, that I'm a relatively fast emotional healer. At 4.5 months past dday, I don't think about the A that often. I can do whole days without focusing on it. For me, it's over, it's in the past, can't change it other than to do the things that will make the future brighter, no amount of focus on that will make the future better. Others take longer to get through it, I understand, and everyone has their own time table.

But if I were to still be obsessing over the A this far out, I'm sure she would be growing tired of it. I mean, if you touch the fire and it burns you, how many more times are you going to want to do that again? Generally, if it hurts, you avoid it. There is an involuntary wincing when you stick your hand in the fire and if not coming home avoids that painful experience, it is understandable one would hesitate.

While we didn't have to do it, establishing a time to talk about it is good. Also to not just talk about the A, but look forward to where you want to be and what your plans are for the future is another thing our therapist suggested. Look forward, not back.

I will add this. One of the things that needs to happen for the BS to feel they can release the past is when they have some level of knowing what went wrong. You can never know the full story, perhaps, but you can evaluate what happened, and maybe why if you can look deeper than "How could you have...." But the CS needs to realize that the BS will need their questions answered, and be willing to answer those however many there are, however long they are asked, and not take it as them beating them over the head. Until those are asked and answered satisfactorily, the BS cannot let go of the past to move toward the future. And if the CS is holding out, not cooperating with that discovery and answer section, the BS will only take that much longer to let go of the past. The more transparent the CS can be, the faster the BS will heal, in most cases.

Good luck.