Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
Today is the one year anniversary of my mini-day. The day I saw a bunch of calls in his phone to the same girl - a girl I had never heard of. He lied a million lies - but even just the idea that he would lie to me about just calling someone was so painful that very first day.
Then on Valentine's Day - the whole truth of the A became clear.
This last year has been the worst year of my life. But I am on the mend. I don't have all good days - but I do have some good days. And there were some weeks, early on, when I felt like I would never ever have another good day for the rest of my life.
I started reading on DS right away. I was too ashamed to start posting for months and months. I thought people would be mean - or blame me for my H's affair. Nothing could have been further from the truth.
I want to say two things today -
THANK YOU to everyone here at DS. I have been supported, guided, had thoughtful conversation, been shown kindness and so much more. A sincere and deeply heartfelt THANKS.
And secondly, to give some perspective to the people here who are even newer than I am - it does get better. It doesn't go away, yes, it is kind of always there for me. But my hard work on my self, therapy, meditation, my faith, journaling, sharing on the DS - have really really helped.
Do I wish my H's affair had never happened? Of course.
But am I choosing to look for the light - find my faith - develop a new normal, a new way of looking at my world that includes the possibility of a happy future? Absolutely.
One of the worst parts about being betrayed by your spouse is the isolation. If my H had gotten cancer, or been in a car accident - my friends and family would have rallied to support us. But in the aftermath of an A, emotions and opinions run high and it's very difficult, even as the betrayed, to get a strong circle of support.
DS has made me realize like there are others who feel just like me. Who struggle the same way that I do. Other people who have terrible awful dark days and also sometimes are able to see a ray of light. The confusion, the pain, the heartbreak all seem more bearable when other people share their similar experiences.
Thank you thank you and thank you.
Then on Valentine's Day - the whole truth of the A became clear.
This last year has been the worst year of my life. But I am on the mend. I don't have all good days - but I do have some good days. And there were some weeks, early on, when I felt like I would never ever have another good day for the rest of my life.
I started reading on DS right away. I was too ashamed to start posting for months and months. I thought people would be mean - or blame me for my H's affair. Nothing could have been further from the truth.
I want to say two things today -
THANK YOU to everyone here at DS. I have been supported, guided, had thoughtful conversation, been shown kindness and so much more. A sincere and deeply heartfelt THANKS.
And secondly, to give some perspective to the people here who are even newer than I am - it does get better. It doesn't go away, yes, it is kind of always there for me. But my hard work on my self, therapy, meditation, my faith, journaling, sharing on the DS - have really really helped.
Do I wish my H's affair had never happened? Of course.
But am I choosing to look for the light - find my faith - develop a new normal, a new way of looking at my world that includes the possibility of a happy future? Absolutely.
One of the worst parts about being betrayed by your spouse is the isolation. If my H had gotten cancer, or been in a car accident - my friends and family would have rallied to support us. But in the aftermath of an A, emotions and opinions run high and it's very difficult, even as the betrayed, to get a strong circle of support.
DS has made me realize like there are others who feel just like me. Who struggle the same way that I do. Other people who have terrible awful dark days and also sometimes are able to see a ray of light. The confusion, the pain, the heartbreak all seem more bearable when other people share their similar experiences.
Thank you thank you and thank you.
Today is the anniversary of when the affair started, ironically, our anniversary.
It took me 6 months to figure out something, another 2 to find out the extent and another 2 for him to fully confess. I wonder if its really over. He says yes, but I am never fully trusting of "his word"
I just found this support group in the last month and I can't tell you how much comfort it has given me.
I have a place I can share my feelings and thoughts openly
I can see there is hope and healing
I am comforted by the compassion
I am relieved I am not alone
I am grateful to read everyone's candid responses.
Thank you
I didn't find DS until a year after d-day. I was searching the web almost every day trying to make sense of what happened in my life. I stumbled onto DS and found so much that I could relate to... (rel8, get it?).
There are so many perspectives here and yet so much commonality. It's also helped me move forward in a HUGE way.
I'm well on my way to having my normal life back. Of course there are still bad days but even those aren't as bad because of my DS sounding board.
Thanks from me too!
As hard as the anniversay is for me "Why would he choose to hurt me this way"
I think it is probable even harder for him "How could I choose to devastate the one that I love?"
I don't think that my H wanted to hurt me. I think he was in a bad place and made a series of terrible mistakes. He hurt me in ways that I never thought were possible - but he also hurt himself.
I don't know what it feels like to have an affair - the rush, the thrill, the excitement. There must be something to it - so many many many people are doing it. It does seem to me that, however good it felt for H at the time, that it doesn't compare to the guilt, anguish, regret, remorse, anger at himself, frustration at the situation, depair at his future, disappointment in himself and who he wanted to be, and total lack of self esteem that he feels for having done what he did.
I could easily spend this whole day crying. This whole week and thru awful valentines day raging, screaming, and feeling justified in doing so.
But I am trying to make a different choice. I am trying very hard to consider all the days of my 12 years of marriage and not just the 8 months of H's affair. It is difficult, to be sure.
My said something so telling to me. He said that it would be too hard to convince someone who was considering having an affair to stop - step back - make a different choice. He said, for him, it was like a slippery slope down into hell. The attention, the ego stroking - it was too enticing for a man in his mental/emotional state. It seemed like an easy fix. But it made him hate himself.
But he said if anyone every asked his opinion about whether or not they should cheat on their spouse, he would say "You are better off stepping in front of a speeding truck. It would hurt less."
I so agree with you about the problem of building a support group for infidelity. DS is great.
In the past year I have had many many more bad days than good, and I was hoping in the next year to slide the percentages, even just a little.
Hugs,
Morgan
On the other side of that though - I think it was a turning point too. I haven't really got that angry since, it was almost as if it cleared the air some. Maybe everyone doesn't feel this way at that time, but its probably good to know that a lot of people do and it passes.
Somehow, with him gone, it's easier to find compassion for him.
Plus, the kids miss him so much. It's given me a window into what life-after-divorce would be like.
I think I wanted him to leave so I could just be happy he was gone - that I would only feel relieved by his being gone.
But the truth is, when I saw how scared he was about going - and yet also how desperate he is to find a way back from the deep dark hole he is in - I have compassion for him.
I don't think he is a bad man. I think he is a good man who got into a situation he couldn't deal with. He made terrible awful choices to try and get a quick fix reflief from his pain. He has hurt me in ways I never thought were possible. I will never love him in that he's-my-prince way that I did before.
But maybe I can love him as flawed human being (aren't we all) and the father of my three kids.
I am trying not have any expectations for when he comes back. Just working on my own stuff - trying to find joy (or at least some) in every day. Trying to choose feelings that will make me happy rather than make me sad.
As much as I thought this would NEVER happen to us - we are the couple that all our friends are envious of our relationship (how stupid is that?) --- I also never knew that I was this strong and this brave.
That saying "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" has definately applied to me and my husband's infidelity.