I absolutely adore Eckhardt Tolle - so there, that's on the table, but one of the reasons I feel so attached to his teachings is that I "found" him sometime after DDAY. It was through his readings and teachings that I learned of mindfulness and how it could be used to combat negative thinking and (in my case) very destructive compulsive/obsessive thinking about my husband's affair.

I happened across this one:

https://youtu.be/R1NAUbO1emM

It's about "annoying people" but not really. I mean, yeah, the whole thing is "how to deal with annoying people" but really, what it is, is how to deal with destructive and intrusive thinking.

This is a super helpful practice for people who, for example, might be stuck on negative thoughts about their spouse.

I often would get stuck in an endless cycle of anger/hurt and would feel completely justified because HE hurt ME... right? RIGHT!? I took what he did very personally from the very beginning. He cheated on ME. He lied to ME. Well, yeah. He also lied to himself, his kids, his work, his parents. He hurt his career, his kids, his family, even his friends. We've talked about the "ripples" that an affair can have, and his affair was no exception. And never at any point was it about ME. Nope. Not once. I know that there are affairs where that isn't the case (revenge affairs, for example) but that wasn't the case with us.

Guess what? I'm not that special. Boohoo. The world doesn't revolve around me, nor do all the actions of my husband. *gasp* Whaaaat? Yeah, I know, crazy, right? But in my head, I felt like they should, like EVERYTHING he EVER did should be ALL ABOUT ME.

Yes... I know how self involved and completely self centered that sounds (now... *cough*) but that's how I felt and there wasn't much that could change it from the OUTSIDE. It had to come from inside me. I had to stop and really watch how I was acting/reacting to each situation that came up and decide: is this helpful or hurtful? Is this productive or destructive?

This video is fabulous because it not only talks about the problem, but also that you don't have to just "be a doormat" if someone or something is bothering you. This particular video wasn't around back then, so mostly I was just going on "observe your feelings, don't BECOME your feelings". I love that this points out that you can take action, but that you don't have to DO anything about (in this case) your annoyance. (For me, it would have been about my anger/pain.)

What I mean is, I don't have to *react* to being angry.. I don't have to SHOW anger to feel it, experience it, and acknowledge it. I can be angry without saying, "You're a total jackass!" to my husband. What I learned to do is to step back... "observe the anger" almost as if it were happening to someone else, and then decide: Is this something that is happening NOW or is this pain from the past? If it's something now, are there actions that can be taken to stop the pain?

So rather than, "You're a jackass!" I found that saying, "I feel uncomfortable with the idea of you working overtime on that graveyard shift. Can we discuss an alternative?" actually got me results. I could acknowledge that the anger I was experiencing was a warning sign - my body literally sending out physical symptoms (raised heart rate and breathing, flushed face, sweating, etc.) so that I would pay attention and heed the warning of potential danger. It wasn't an excuse to berate, belittle, or get into a fight with my husband. And asking him to join me in coming up with an alternate plan gave him the chance to explain his actions instead of me jumping to conclusions or filling in blanks in my head. It also gave us the opportunity to solve something TOGETHER, which is something that makes me feel very loved, cherished and included.

Don't get me wrong... there are times I still get mad, but it's nice to be able to see it, feel it, experience it, but not BECOME that anger. I sure do like myself a lot better when I'm not yelling or name calling or belittling or just plain being mean. I sort of suspect other people around me like me better, too.