Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
So this topic might be a little in left field but here goes. For those of you who don’t know me my H had an A that lasted over 4 years with an OW who was a co-worker. During their A she left the company and started working across the street. My H can’t explain why he did this except to say he was weak and she played him. I know he has self esteem issues and she flattered him nonstop. Dday was almost 21 months ago and we are trying to work on our marriage. He has become the H I always wanted, attentive, helps around the house, etc. and we communicate much better now. He always lets me know where he will be and is transparent and very remorseful. I am really trying to put the past in the past but I have these thoughts of if he was weak before what has changed. I feel like his character needs to be tested. If the OW calls and meets up with him could he say no? If another woman pursues him would he say no? The OW has moved to another city but part of me really wants her to call him now just to see what he would do. If he sees her I could move forward without him and if he doesn’t I could move forward with him. Of course I might never find out (sigh), but I feel like I need closure son this.
playerapr
I live with this fear and worry everyday - he was weak before so he can be weak again - can he really stay away from OW (they work in the same place, not in the same office). He knows I don't trust him, trust is not something you hand out but something you earn, he will have to work really really hard to earn some of my trust, he will never earn all of it. Stay strong you are not alone!!!!
znzsmom
This is tough for all of us, but this is my take. For my H and me, I simply trust the love that we share. More than that though, the awareness is what gives me peace. My H is aware of the profound pain that he caused. He is aware of his own shame and guilt. He is aware that I will never tolerate this again and another A will end in divorce, which he absolutely does not want. As long as the CS has awareness, coupled with remorse, I believe he will not repeat the act. Try to have faith, I know it's hard, but you cannot live your life waiting for something bad to happen. You lose the joy that way. Sending you support.
lisalisa72
You know, most of our CS did this because they weren't thinking about consequences or considering that it might hurt the people around them. After going through this crapfest for a year, I would hope that my H now realizes the ramifications and would run the other direction of the opportunity presented itself.
thebeachretreat
I'm going to agree with Lisalisa on this one. Having lived through the past 14 months of trying so hard to rebuild and the intensity of the emotions, I think the see the OW would send my H into a flight of panic now. I would also like to think that since we are both committed to rebuilding that we both are more aware of boundaries, etc. that the temptation to talk with the OW if the opportunity presented itself would not be there. I will never know and as ZNZ says, this is where faith has to come in. I can only look at my present situation and all that we have done to get here to trust that the act will never be repeated with the OW or with any other woman for that matter.
deleted_user
I feel the same way you do. Sometimes I wish he would have some contact so I can say "well now you have made the decision ease for me just leave." On the other hand I do not want him to leave. We are 7 months out from Dday and a lot of thing have changed for the good. My problem is I guess I am not used to being treated so nicely. I think we just have to trust that if we all keep working and talking we can work through this.
anguished
Knowing that he knows how much pain he put me through does make me think he wouldn't do this again, and that is exactly what he says that he won't do this again because of the pain it caused all parties. Still pain fades and gets forgotten. I don't remember a lot of the pain I felt in the past (I wouldn't have had another kid :) if I did)
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