Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
New to this site today, have read through some posts, and I think I am figuring out some of the abbreviations :)
I came looking for help and answers, but not really knowing what that means exactly. My husband cheated. I found out one month ago. We have been together almost 21 years and have 3 children. The other woman was the girl he lost his virginity to when he was 14 and she was 15,, (before I knew him),they spent that summer together, then she moved and they never saw each other again. Then a tornado struck their old home town, and they somehow hooked up on some discussion board or chat in June. In August he went to see her 3 hours away where she lives and they had sex. That was the only time they actually met up, but were carrying on an online affair, and phone calls until November, when he didn't exactly tell me, but put all the evidence on my desktop for me to see and confront him.
I want to fix us,,,he screwed up big time, but I know I am not blameless.
BUT I Am a roller coaster riding basketcase, and with pms too if thats not tmi :)
I came looking for help and answers, but not really knowing what that means exactly. My husband cheated. I found out one month ago. We have been together almost 21 years and have 3 children. The other woman was the girl he lost his virginity to when he was 14 and she was 15,, (before I knew him),they spent that summer together, then she moved and they never saw each other again. Then a tornado struck their old home town, and they somehow hooked up on some discussion board or chat in June. In August he went to see her 3 hours away where she lives and they had sex. That was the only time they actually met up, but were carrying on an online affair, and phone calls until November, when he didn't exactly tell me, but put all the evidence on my desktop for me to see and confront him.
I want to fix us,,,he screwed up big time, but I know I am not blameless.
BUT I Am a roller coaster riding basketcase, and with pms too if thats not tmi :)
So sorry you are here, but there are a lot of really wonderful folks here whose advice has helped me so much, and others as well... please say whatever you need to here, we've probably heard it all before, so don't worry about tmi. ;)
All the stuff you are feeling is perfectly normal for a BS. It feels like sh*t, but you had enough presence of mind to come here and find us, so you're already ahead of the game!
Are you in marriage and/or individual counseling? If not, do it. The MC has been instrumental in peeling away our layers of hurt, anger, depression, and fear while teaching us how to communicate with each other. I'm four and a half months past my dday and I feel the difference and progress we're making already. Not to say that I still feel like throttling him at times and I return to that flailing maniac personality, that will take a while longer to control.
How is he reacting to all this? Is he really remorseful? He should be. Is he still in contact with her? He better not be. Is he defensive and angry? That's normal at this stage.
So sorry you are in the situation you're in. But you'll find this bunch very supportive and understanding!
Sending you support!
H very definately wanted caught, didn't have guts to straight up tell me, but planted evidence, and I confronted TOW ( well on fb) . H has only had contact w her one time( pretty sure,,,) 3 days after dday,, he called in my presense and let her know it was over and he apologized,,,he'd been lying to her too, she didn't know about me,, thought he was divorced. He seems genuinely remorseful, crying on both our parts. I have peppered him with endless questions, feeling the need to know EVERYTHING, he has been uncomfortable, but has answered them all, I think I'm done with the logistical questions, want to be done anyway and leave that behind. Now just the big ones like ummmmmm HOW COULD YOU???
I would like to suggest that you buy the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. It is an excellent book for the newly betrayed. Not only should you read it, but you should ask your H to read it too. I think the key to getting your feet under yourself during this trial is to educate yourself about affairs and how they happen. It will help you get a handle on your situation plus you will realize that your feelings are normal.
I do hope that you will get into MC (Marriage Counseling) or IC (Individual Counseling) to help you navigate these early storms.
And most of all, be good to yourself. Take time to pray (if you go to church) or meditate or find some ways to relax and take a break just for yourself.
And regarding asking questions, I'd like to suggest that you make a list of questions and set aside an assigned amount of time (15 minutes) to ask questions. It helps the CS not to be overwhelmed and they know that the barrage is only going to last a short amount of time. Sometimes I emailed my H questions and asked him to answer them. But I would like to also suggest that you really think about what you need to know. Do you need to read every message or know their sexual history? Once you read or learn these things they will forever be seared on your brain and you can not leave them behind. My own advice would be to focus on questions regarding they whys and hows versus the minute details of their affair. I just caution you to think about what you are asking.
But it is always okay to ask question if you really need to know. At a year and a half out, I still on occasion would ask questions....but they were still more on the "why" this happened. I don't ask questions anymore. I just no longer feel the need.
You are not alone. We all know how you feel. Take it one day at a time.
Sending you strength!
My wife and I are seven months past dday, and going. You might see her pop up here and there on here, her name is Gabrielle. She succumbed to the excitement of a guy wanting her back last Oct. It took him three months to break down her defenses, as she did have morals and a commitment to me that he had to dig through. It remained an emotional affair run up to the last day he was going to be in town, and she gave him a BJ. But that left her wanting more, and instead of that all dying off, she got on line and met lots of guys, had sex chats with several, all without me knowing about it. Then she met a local guy, and by this point her morals and resolve had been greatly weakened, so much so that within two weeks of meeting him, she gave in to his desire for sex and she started what would become a six week affair before I stumbled on it.
I've often wondered if she subconsciously wanted to get caught as well. She didn't do it as obvious as yours did. But she'd prayed to God to save her and us from herself the Sunday before dday. Monday I noticed she'd texted pictures to a couple of email addresses with guys' names attached to them. She had to know I would be suspicious, and that I've used key loggers before. And yet, when I installed a key logger on the computer that Tuesday, and checked it after she went to bed from her chatting, she'd confessed to her online sex chat partner the full affair she was having on me. The first and only time she'd typed that on the computer. And it was the first night I had installed the key logger.
She says she even noticed something was different on the computer, but that it didn't cross her mind. But I sometimes wonder, even if without her thinking about it too much, she confessed that night in part hoping to get caught. If so, it worked.
The good news is we have been rebuilding, fairly successfully to this point. My prayer is it still keeps going that way and for you, that you can find your feet and figure out where you are going from here. It is a very, very, crazy ride.