I'm 19 months passed dday and yep, I still ask the occassional question. I've truly asked every question there is to ask at this point, so the grilling, as I call it, is finally subsiding. We do still discuss things surrounding the A, but mostly we focus now on the way we communicate to each other. My H finally gets that I cannot be the only one who initiates conversations. I still have my low periods. He's now asking me if I need to talk instead of ignoring me and hoping it goes away.

I don't think you should set time limits or rigid boundaries around yourself. If you still feel that questions are unanswered or if you think of new questions that you need answered, you have EVERY right to ask. If your H doesn't like it, then he should have thought of that before he did what he did to you. In one of our arguments, my H acted like a jackass and said, "You know, I really don't want to talk about this every day for the rest of my life." Well, did that ever unleash the beast! I said, "You know, I really didn't want to feel this deep and unrelenting hurt and pain, but I am. I also didn't want to learn that the man whom I thought was the most honest and trustworthy human being really is a lying cheater, but I did. Maybe you should have thought about the consequences of your disgusting, immoral actions before you did it. You don't want to talk about it...TOUGH SHIT!" That snapped him back to reality. Anyway, not to make light. You have the right to do whatever it is you need to do to heal. I hope your H gets that and soon! Hugs and support coming your way.

I am with znz.....If you need to talk, ask questions or just vent a little then your husband needs to be there for you. I will be two years this summer and I still ask questions, cry or just tell him I am feeling sad today. I feel my husband owes me this. I just told my husband a few weeks ago that when we pass some of the trigger places it would be nice if he just let me know he realizes that is bothers me. He has now started taking my hand or touching my leg when we are driving by the trigger places. Good luck with this and definitely talk to him about this or write him a letter.

I am almost at the year mark..next week in fact. I don't ask as many questions, we mostly discuss the A now in order to learn from it. I still have alot of the same feelings going on and for me I will continue to talk about it until I am "better". I know it's uncomfortable for hubby, but oh well. I am with znz on this one. I really think each person is different, but I am that girl who has to talk, talk, talk to get things resolved, lol. Basically, you have to do what is right for YOU, not your husband, or other people, just you.

I am 19 mos past dday and like znz I still ask questions but way less now. I used to ask once a week now it is down to when I need it. I do tell him when I feel sad or have a trigger and he will hold me and tell me he is sorry and he loves me. I hope your h can understand your need to know he cares for you. Hugs

I think that dropping it depends on many things. I also think that if you have questions...you're not content...you don't feel secure...then putting away the questions may be untimely. I think that if you "can" let it go and move forward without distress...or burying...then it's a good thing. Has to occur eventually...or it will plague you through the remainder of the relationship. But, if there are doubts inside you...and you fail to address them...it will plague you anyway. I think that "his" distress is just too bad. He created the questions...and mistrust...and it would be wise for him to accept that this hurts...you...and him. Isn't quite right that it's only you who carries the burdens does it? I am not willing to carry the questions...the burdens...the pain...of his behavior alone. I didn't create it. And, I won't carry it alone. He'll have to man up and carry the burdens his behavior created...as long as I need it. And, if he's unwilling to do that...then I wouldn't trust anything else he did either. Just my spin.

Something from Rick Reynolds I found helpful:


What's an Unfaithful Spouse to Do?
Our youngest child was just 6 weeks old when I came home to confess my two year affair to Jodi. Our other children were 4 and 5 years old, and it was probably one of the worst times in our lives to try and focus on healing. Jodi was trying to simply come to grips with what had happened and how I had blown up her life. I was gripped by the fear of the future. Were we going to divorce? Could my wife recover from what I’d done to her? Would my kids lose their father? Would I be able to kiss them goodnight? Could we ever heal and be a normal family again?

Would my kids lose their father? Would I be able to kiss them goodnight? Could we ever heal and be a normal family again


As we were in the crucible of uncertainty, Jodi dropped a bomb I'll never forget. Her life was shattered and I knew she had been experiencing overwhelming emotions and grief. I had yet to understand the damage I’d done by trying to convince her she was crazy (for almost two years) to suspect that I was having an affair. During this time, she had lived thinking she was simply imagining things, reading too much into this, that and the other. In fact, she was spot on, and I had been covering up my affair and my double life all these months. She was deeply hurt and finding it hard to see through the haze of my lies and cover-up for so long. As I was cleaning out our garage getting ready to move out of our home in California, she approached me in our back yard and said to me a phrase I’ll simply never forget. With tears in her eyes, she said, “You’re an incredible dad…but I can’t stay married to you just because you’re a great dad.” It pierced me, and at the same time she was right. By most visible accounts I was an awesome dad. I loved my children and would do anything for them, except be faithful to their mom. Although it hurts, I see the truth in it now.

As she said these words to me, I was confronted with the loss of my family. My illusion of myself as a good man because I was a good dad was shattered. I suddenly realized what a wreck I’d become and could think of no logical reason for her to stay. I had to confront the question: why would anyone want me as I was? So, I decided to work on my self-improvement to give Jodi what she needed to heal and a good reason to stay with me. But my actions revealed that I still didn’t get it. I tried to rush the healing and would say, “Put this behind us and move forward.” I’d get self-centered, which in turn would make me frustrated and unhappy with the lack of progress she was showing. I’d lose sight of my goal of personal recovery, and try to change her.

It was at this time that a new friend, who had been through this sort to thing in the past, sat me down for a talk. He heard me out, listened to my complaining, and with precision, scalpel like confrontation, said to me, “Tony, sometimes I think you have no clue what you have done to your poor wife. You have no clue the pain and the agony you have inflicted upon her by your choices. It has been no time at all since your affair has become public, and you are only perpetuating blatant disrespect by the way you are treating her and rushing her to move beyond this.”

He was right. I was in fact, still dealing with my own self-absorption and my own agenda...


I was stunned. I sat there speechless at what he had said to me. He was right. I was in fact, still dealing with my own self-absorption and my own agenda, thinking she should be more healed and further along in her forgiveness of me. Here are three revelations I quickly learned after that meeting.

You Can’t Hurry Love or Healing

So many times, we as unfaithful spouses try and rush our spouses to heal. We think we can somehow FedEx them to healing, despite the weeks, months, and even years of pain we have inflicted upon them by our actions and outright betrayal. We think we do great by simply attending classes, courses, counseling sessions, or merely hearing them out. We are then surprised when they are not further along in their healing and ability to cope with life or cope with what has happened, when we have given our very lives, hearts, emotions and souls to another, instead of them. When we try and rush our betrayed spouses into healing, all we do is reinforce to them that we have not come to grips with just how much we have hurt them and just how wrong we were to do what we did. After all, if we did have any shred of compassion and understanding for what we have done, and for what our choices have cost both ourselves and our spouses, we would have a totally different approach to our mates. When we rush them, or when we have little patience for their reminders, or flashbacks, or inability to perhaps do what we want them to do, we reinforce to them that we have not gotten it at all, and continue to prove ourselves “unsafe” for them to let their guard down and welcome us back into their hearts.

They Engage Not to Shame but to Heal

If there was one area that totally seemed to incapacitate me, it was when Jodi wanted to ask questions about the affair, or what we did or didn’t do, or what I said to my affair partner, or what experiences my affair partner and I had together. I couldn’t stand when she would ask me questions about what went on. I couldn't seem to wrap my head around why she would want to know those details, and I also couldn't stand to have to tell her the truth of what had been transpiring for all this time. When she would ask me questions, or ask me why I did what I did, my internal “shame meter” would go through the roof and I would literally feel completely helpless at being reminded of what a failure I had become. I’d become 100% totally self-centered and could only see what she was doing to me. I was incapable of see all they ways I’d hurt her. It was as if all my self-esteem that I had been trying so desperately to rebuild would crumble in two tenths of a second, all by her questions or need for clarity on something.

...she was not trying to shame me at all, nor was she trying to remind me of my past sin, shame and failure. What she was really trying to do was heal. And I was the person closest to the situation, with the chance to help her heal.


What I didn’t realize was she was not trying to shame me at all, nor was she trying to remind me of my past sin, shame and failure. What she was really trying to do was heal. And I was the person closest to the situation, with the chance to help her heal. She was actually trying to get it all out on the table, deal with it, and then heal from it. I’m now ashamed to admit when she would ask questions, I would shut down, causing her to be tempted to think I had not been honest with her at all, and that I was hiding even more details. It was like we were on this “crazy cycle,” and no matter how good I felt about our progress, the moment she would ask me questions, I fell apart. She needed to process in order to heal, and I wanted to forever forget about my affair and the choices I had made, because I was trying to rebuild my self-esteem. (Can you see how it was still all about me?) It was a recipe for pure insanity and disaster. When I realized it wasn’t about me, and that Jodi was just trying to get what she needed to heal, I was able to answer her questions and give her what she needed. I was able to put my shame second to her needs, and accept that nothing was more important that her healing.

As I Opened Up, She Opened Up

Yet, it was only after she felt safe, loved, and supported in her healing, that she felt safe enough to open up and look inside herself for where she needed help and focused attention.


The most marvelous thing happened, as I would open up and listen to Jodi process her pain. Eventually, after some good time of focusing on her healing and what she wanted to see, we had some priceless moments where I was able to express some of the things that were very difficult in our marriage. I will forever be the one who went outside the marriage. I will forever be the one who was not courageous enough to handle our problems the right way. But, Jodi also understood that she too had failed to be how she wanted in the marriage. She also realized that although I had the affair and was the unfaithful spouse, she came to grips with some of her struggles and some of her own dysfunction, which had caused me to feel disconnected. Though my affair will never be justified, Jodi was able to begin to look into her own life and addressing her issues. Yet, it was only after she felt safe, loved, and supported in her healing, that she felt safe enough to open up and look inside herself for where she needed help and focused attention.

--

You see, when we as the betrayer come to grips with just how much we have hurt our spouses, and the new hellacious reality they are forced to live with due to our selfish choices, we not only help our spouses heal, but we make our own journey and desires that much easier to attain. When we decide to do whatever it takes to see our betrayed spouses heal, regardless of what it costs us financially, emotionally, or chronologically, we will find our marriage to be that much more rich, rewarding, and fulfilling.

Wow...... I am blown away by your insight. Thank you for this post.... from those of us who have never received this compassion and empathy from our betrayers. For those of us who were left to try and heal alone. Thanks for letting me know that there are men out there with capacity.

More than a year later, there are times I drive by the places (I'm the CS) and I remember, but there are so many more times when I go past and my mind is full of regular life and I pass those places without a blip of memory. Those are the great days, and when I realize it's happened I think "YES!!! I'm getting over him!" I think that if I were on the other side of this and someone took my hand every time we passed those places, that act of love would trigger a feeling that might otherwise fade eventually. I guess there's a fine line between bringing it up and calming it down, you know what I mean?

It sounds like your husband is trusting you to tell him if there's something coming up for you that needs his attention, and trying not to stir up pain for you otherwise. If he's remaining open to talking when you need it, then I think he's doing the best he can with the fallout of his choices and being as considerate as possible.

I have NEVER printed out anything for my H to read. I have never really read anything that I felt comfortable enough to give to him----UNTIL YESTERDAY. I read the post above and was very touched and felt an overwhelming need to share it with him. So, that's what I did. He recieved it well. Thank you for posting!!!