Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
I just posted the following on the cheaters and betrayeds helping each other group and decided to post it here too:
"I have been thinking about all the good that has come from our hard work following my A's. My A's....so bad. Not just an ordinary A but a 7 mo sex addicted, predatory, man crazed rampage, started because one very skilled womanizer came on to me and I allowed myself to cross boundary after boundary. 2 OM and a host of cyber OM. This was all so crazily out of character for me and i just can't seem to rectify the "real" me with the "crazed" me. I carry a deep sadness that often overwhelms me still, almost 2 years later. It is a very dark cloud. But there are silver linings on this cloud and we continue to nurture those silver linings. 3 in particular.
1) I have grown as a person through all that I have done to work on the rebuilding of myself, and I have never been so spiritually focused in my life
2) My marriage is almost like we did a restart and we are doing it right this time. the books we read together have been wonderful for us.
3) I get opportunities to help others on this sight and sometimes people I know. The book of our story plus all the articles we (mostly Cole) have written is in the editing stages and though I am scared about going public, I am excited to see what opportunities develop because of it.
What are your silver linings? -or- if you aren't quite there yet, what silver linings are you striving for? "
"I have been thinking about all the good that has come from our hard work following my A's. My A's....so bad. Not just an ordinary A but a 7 mo sex addicted, predatory, man crazed rampage, started because one very skilled womanizer came on to me and I allowed myself to cross boundary after boundary. 2 OM and a host of cyber OM. This was all so crazily out of character for me and i just can't seem to rectify the "real" me with the "crazed" me. I carry a deep sadness that often overwhelms me still, almost 2 years later. It is a very dark cloud. But there are silver linings on this cloud and we continue to nurture those silver linings. 3 in particular.
1) I have grown as a person through all that I have done to work on the rebuilding of myself, and I have never been so spiritually focused in my life
2) My marriage is almost like we did a restart and we are doing it right this time. the books we read together have been wonderful for us.
3) I get opportunities to help others on this sight and sometimes people I know. The book of our story plus all the articles we (mostly Cole) have written is in the editing stages and though I am scared about going public, I am excited to see what opportunities develop because of it.
What are your silver linings? -or- if you aren't quite there yet, what silver linings are you striving for? "
I can say that even though I still have a LOT to work on, I am a more mindful person (in general, but specifically with our marriage.) Being mindful has brought many blessings in our marriage, but also with parenting.
There are other skills I have personally been working on that have reaped many benefits, particularly regarding communication but also with negotiating and learning to express my needs. I feel so stupid sometimes, like I should have known some of this stuff all my life. Maybe I should have, but I didn't and I'm glad to know it now.
Prior to huz's affair, I just "settled". I reasoned that he didn't beat me, he wasn't a drunk, he hadn't cheated, so I guess I just had to deal with how things were and be glad for what I had. Mind you, I don't believe that constantly being dissatisfied and wanting "more" is the answer, but what we had wasn't good - for either of us. His affair is what knocked the structure of our marriage to the ground so that we had no choice but to either fix it or walk away. I wish it could have been different, but I am happy that we have rebuilt with something we can both find satisfying and rewarding. I didn't think that would ever happen. I truly thought before that I would just be in an unsatisfying marriage for the rest of my life.
I am amazed and so grateful for the changes in my husband. He's always been a great guy, but he has not always been a "team player". OK. Never before. Now he is a partner, a friend, a father, a lover... if I explain to him what is important to me or what I need, he listens, he tries. He has also responded to the skills I've picked up. I would say he's learning skills of his own, but to be fair, he may have always had some of these skills but my behaviors made it difficult for him to use them.
My husband has always been my ROCK - the person I could rely on. While I'm not ready to give that up entirely, his betrayal left me flailing and lost. But I learned I could be my own rock. I learned I could rely on myself when I need to. I also learned to be more empathetic to his needs and realize that sometimes he needs something to cling to of his own.
We are more careful with each other. Yeah, sometimes we still argue and sometimes we still have fragile moments where we hurt. I don't think that will ever go away. But at least we both are thinking, "How will this effect him/her?" before we do things instead of just apologizing afterward.