Cole, I have the OW's email address and her latest home address and I almost contacted her, even wrote a whole letter, but I decided not to contact her. In our case, the OW became vindictive and has proven that she is mentally unstable, most likely has bipolar disorder. I just realized that if I sent the letter, as respectful and mild as it was, it may just provoke her. She's caused enough damage in our lives and I didn't want to be the cause of more damage.

I finally just got to the point where I realized this whole thing was never really about her anyway. She wasn't some special, wonderful person for whom my H wanted to leave me. My H never had any intention of leaving me. She was just there, convenient and she was just used by my H for an ego boost. She is irrelevant now. I don't know if your wife's OM is mentally ill, but, in time, I'm sure you will also come to realize that he is irrelevant. It wasn't about him. It was about your wife's issues. I would just let it go and let him become irrelevant. Sending you support.

I do not recommend contacting the OM. In my case, I DID send the OW an e-mail. In fact, I sent her two. Not e-mails telling her that I forgave her. Not e-mails asking her to apologize to me. Mine were flat out calling her a piece of shit, two-bit whore who couldn't wasn't faithful to her husband or her family and that her selfishness almost tore my family apart. She in turn, used the e-mails as a way to try and "re-engage" my husband in contact. In fact, it turned into a mess because she kept wanting closure from my husband and even sent him a text six months after he asked her for no contact and I lost it and sent a text to her husband. All in all, I think my contacting her opened a window of communication that should have never been opened.

The only window of communication needs to be open is between yourself and your wife. She is the only person who made marriage contract with you and is the only person who broke that contract. He was just the vehicle - the ego boost as ZNZ said - and nothing more. Take the time instead to continue to work on rebuilding your marriage and discovering how this managed to happen. Sending support!

Beach and Znz are right on target. Don't open that door, window or box. Just concentrate on you and your wife and your marriage because that is what matters.

P.S
Good for you for being willing to forgive the OM- I don't know if I could forgive the OW- that is something I'm not sure I'm able or willing to do anytime soon.

Cole- Not a good idea. If no contact has been established keep it that way. It's just energy and time you could spend else where on more worthwhile endeavors.

I think you are all confirming something I felt, and that is if he has been cut off, and so far I believe he has been, then me making contact might just reopen the opportunity for him to contact her again.

Though, I'm holding it in my cards if he does make contact again, that I'll respond to him next time, not my wife. But I think you are all right, as long as no further contact attempt is made by him, there's no sense in my initiating anything "new" that might open the door for him to contact her again.

findinghearther: Yes, it is not easy to forgive. But I work to not hold those things in, because until I can forgive and release, I cannot get over this, our marriage won't move forward and heal. Forgiveness is part of accepting.

Doesn't mean I don't hate what he did. Doesn't mean I'm not angry with him and my wife for doing this to me. What it means is I'm human, he's human, my wife is human, and we all make dumb mistakes from time to time. Sometimes those mistakes have horrible consequences, like A, other times they are fairly minor. One reason I never wanted to become a doctor. Don't know if I could handle knowing a simply mistake I made cost someone their life.

I've made my share of stupid decisions. I don't know the full circumstances and mental state of the OM. My wife has said he seems a little "slow," not retarded or anything, but just not quick on the mind. And if my wife, who I always felt was totally trustworthy, moral, and an good example to our kids, could fall like this, it scares me for myself as well. So I forgive in order that I can move forward with healing.

But each of our circumstances are different, we are all different people. For some, it may take some time to get there. It doesn't hurt the OM that I don't forgive him. It hurts me. So I can do nothing else but forgive. For there but for the grace of God go I.

no, the past should stay in the past...if you want a future with your spouse, that past needs to stay out of it! Maybe write the letter just so you feel better and then burn it?!

Don't contact the OP. I made the mistake of messaging the OW in our case 2 1/2 years after dday. Waiting for her response, I began stalking her. It became an obsession for several weeks and set back my recovery. Hell, and she was fairly courteous to me. Who knows what your OP will be like? A lot of them are defensive and cruel. Don't do it to yourself. Though there were some positive points...

Cons: Obsessive thoughts for 3 weeks, really poor stalking behavior on my part, feeling ashamed for how I acted. In the end she told me she had nothing to apologize for. This brought up a huge amount of anger that I thought I'd left behind me a long time ago. Oh, and the H decided since I had contacted her, he was "forced" to tell me some stuff he never mentioned before...

Pros: I feel good having told her what a horrible mess she caused. Even if she's a remorseless hag, at least I no longer wonder if she knows what she did. Sure, she doesn't believe me... but at least I told her. The turmoil also forced me to deal with a lot of anger. And it got the WHOLE truth out in the open at last. Hard to say though if I'd have been happier leaving it in the past. Probably.

I did it cuz I wanted "closure". I thought that would come in the form of an apology (fat chance, I now see). I am getting some closure though, but via hard truths and reopening old wounds. Worth it? Maybe in the long run. Not sure yet. But I dont recommend it.

Ultimately it's up to you. I am a new member on this site as of yesterday but I have a single experience. In my case my wife lied to me about what happened. I got the OM's phone number and called him. He told me everything that happened (I think) and I felt a little better. Knowing for me was much easier than knowing. I don't know why but I wasn't really mad at him. I discovered that she threw herself at him, and although he knew she was married, I don't know what guy could have avoided the situation she put him in.

I would say that if you are getting along with your life without contacting him, then don't. If you are hung up on things like I was, it might not be a bad idea.

I contacted OW at the beginning - wouldn't made contact now cause it would open doors for her to contact my H again. I'm trying to leave it behind and don't live in the past - I carry the hurt and the pain with me everyday but I want to leave her memories behind and keep on leaving. Your W spent time and energy with OM, you shouldn't, put your time and energy on your marriage.

I think ultimately the worst thing about contacting the other person is that you won't get out of it what YOU want. However it goes in your head is rarely how it actually goes, so what is the point?
In my case it took a few texts the day I found out to realize that she didn't care about what she had done and had no information forthcoming that would do me any good. Ironically she gave me the same I don't know answers as my spouse. I could have lived without knowing her indifference to participating in shattering my world.

I appreciate all your responses. I've decided that I won't contact him. It appears the door is closed for the time being and I don't want to do anything that would give him an excuse to nudge it back open behind my back.

But, if he starts contacting her again, all bets are off. Knowing how fearful he is of me, a stern email from the protective husband might be all that is needed to leave her alone. According to my wife, now that I have his email address, he is fearful that I can hack into his computer or something. So as long as he stays away, I'll keep my email to him locked away in my mind.

Cole, I am living in a similar situation. I know who the OM is, his home and everything. Several times I thought of telling him how he helped screw up my life. But I didn't because I didn't think there was any use for it. But I would love to punch and give him a bloody nose fer being such a jackass!!! I think it is best to focus on the relationship you have with your wife. And since your wife is committed to rebuilding the marriage, this seem like the perfect opportunity for you to get everything right.
Sending you hugs

Oh, I´m thinking about conyacting too but I think I will not give her the joy to think that our marriage is in trouble. My husband told her that now he loves me even more and that ONS was a drunken mistake which was started by her and she manipulated really bad playing a friend in trouble.

What would contacting give you? A closure? Maybe. But maybe this will open some new windows and the healing will take even more time? I thought that I´ll tell her that I´ll forgive her but I don´t think she gives a s..t about it. She wanted relationship with my H and he said no. I guess she dislikes me big time.

Don´t give him power over you.