Hang kn there KG. I have struggled with who to tell too. Try to find someone you trust, though, its a ton to carry by yourself!

In hindsight I would have only told my therapist. What you tell them is confidential. I told two friends, one who was a non cheater, one who was a cheater. The non cheater told me I should divorce her, the cheater said we could work through it. I learned that what they told me really did not help that much, and bringing this into both friendships altered the friendships and relationships. It most likely was only on my end, but I hear that that is not un normal.

Anyway, since the affair 4 yrs ago, as I was seriously considering divorce and needed support, I told one other guy friend, my sister, and my female cousin. All three were in full support and were on my team. When I decided to not act, and wait it out, I think all three people felt guilty for such staunch supporters of my decision. Although they supported my staying, they played their support card for divorce. There is nothing wrong with that, but it must have been what caused these relationships to shift. I know I felt shame and weak for staying. None looked at my wife the same again. It left me feeling alone.

Anyway, just a war story for you. If I did it all over again, I would have kept my mouth shut during all stages and only dealt with a therapist, one who I paid for advice, a shoulder to cry on, and someone who could help since it was their profession to be knowledgeable in that area. That being said, it took two therapists to find a good one, so they are not all the be all end all.

Hopefully that helps you out.

Thanks, so far I've found you all !

dealing with this now. trust me...no matter who you (friends & family) it will alter or shift the relationship big time even if they show a great deal of support. Even if you say you will not , you will unknowning alter the relationship yourself. I did do what you sometimes think of doing and it haunts me from both sides. We got into a fight about even today about it (17 months later). Try to hang in there and get a therapist if you can-that should be your person you lay it all out to. I told some of our friends and family within the first week b/c I was in complete shock (like you) and thought there was no other answer other than D.
You will forever wonder what the the people you told think of you and your outcome. It will hurt your recovery

I sometimes wish I had told more people. Shit- who am I protecting anyway? He’s the one that cheated. Sorry, bad day for me today. Our MC and IC know. And 2 friends. One who is a cheater herself and tries to explain away that H was just trying to sow his oats - midlife crisis, etc. The other one offers little support,
Which I actually am relieved about. Actually, neither of them chooses to take a stand, which is good.

I know if I had told closer family & friends, this could have been disastrous. Still trying to R. One day at a time.

The problem I have wiith not telling people, is on really bad days, how do you explain why you're feeling so down to those who really care about you?

Exactly my problem, when I look/ feel horrible and don't particualrly want to be around anyone I'm the bad guy. Not neccesarily with H, but just in general.

so well said mommy:)

Honestly, I told a lot of people... lol. All our parents, his sister, his best friend, my best girlfriends (because they are not gossip mongers), his extended family all know. But I could not have done otherwise - I could not bear this burden alone. His family has been praying for us and supportive, and my friends have been supportive however they are able. I think if they had been the type to point fingers and cast judgment, I would not have told them, but I knew that they were people I could trust and turn to in my darkest hours. Yes, they may look at both of us differently than in the past, but I told him at the onset that I would not lie for him and cover this up. This does not mean I went on facebook and outed him to all his friends and whatnot, but if I needed to talk to somebody I would be honest about why, because they can't be helpful if they don't know what's wrong.

The first person I told, the morning after discovering this affair, and before confronting her about it, was my priest. He's been a blessing through this whole thing. Though I'm not a high maintenance guy, he said to call him anytime I needed to talk. I've not told my family, because they live close by and we regularly meet for holidays and such. I was afraid them knowing would create some uncomfortable situations for them and us. And I didn't want them feeling they needed to defend me while the rebuilding was still trying to get its feet. If and when I do tell them, it will likely be long after this has been put into the past, or when i write my tell-all book, whichever comes first. ;)

My wife, however, has told two of her relatives. And I found out not too long ago, that they were both aware she was drawn to the OM, and was getting close to him. She never told them she actually had sex with him, but they were aware of a lot more of what was going on than I was. It should be noted that both of them have cheated as well, and are very sexually promiscuous. So my W didn't feel threatened in them knowing.

I've also slowly told about four online writer friends, more to explain why I'm slow in returning critiques and the like. And for the prayers. But it is the odd thing about this, that unlike a sickness of some kind or other bad things that can happen to you, instead of letting everyone know for support, you feel you have to keep it under wraps so as not to freak people out and change those relationships. But you have to have an outlet. For me that was my priest and the therapist while we had one, and I could call her anytime I needed more help.

I actually did tell those two relatives (Cole mentioned) immediately after DDAY. I confided in one really good friend whom I knew to be a prayer and for awhile I wasn't sure it had been the right thing to do but I am glad I did now. I have 2 other friends that know and they are very very supportive. I am, at this point, accountable to everyone who knows. They are all rooting for my healing and restoration. Even the two relatives who had been trying to warn me to be careful all along.

Thanks all for your input

Yeah all of my immediate family lives within a 20 mile radius of each other, we are together for all holidays ,bdays, random dinners, parties etc, so would be a very awkward/uncomfortable situation, I kinda figure like you cole,, someday down the line maybe I'll tell them.

I told people I felt were safe. I specifically did not tell my family as they would never forgive him, even if I can someday. He doesn't have any family left! Some of his friends figured out something was wrong with our relationship but don't know the specifics. We work in the same field although at different locations but we share coworkers and some of them thought something was "up" because like me, they realized his grooming habits had become fastidious while approaching a momentous birthday!

I kept to myself for the first 10 days (I didn't sleep and ate little for the first 18 days post Dday) but found that if I didn't share, I would not be able to function. I chose carefully. So far, no major regrets.

I told people I felt were safe. I specifically did not tell my family as they would never forgive him, even if I can someday. He doesn't have any family left! Some of his friends figured out something was wrong with our relationship but don't know the specifics. We work in the same field although at different locations but we share coworkers and some of them thought something was "up" because like me, they realized his grooming habits had become fastidious while approaching a momentous birthday!

I kept to myself for the first 10 days (I didn't sleep and ate little for the first 18 days post Dday) but found that if I didn't share, I would not be able to function. I chose carefully. So far, no major regrets. Also, I agree, avoid telling people who thrive on drama or conflict!

I put on FB that my relationship had changed from Married to Single....and kept it like that until my sister called and told me to put it back. So half our town suspects something happened but they don't know what. I did tell close friends and my family. I just was close to falling apart and I needed PHYSICAL support...not just online or talking to a therapist once a week. I did not tell his family. In my case EVERYONE has been supportive and no one has been judgmental. But I feel lucky because I think some people are not able to forgive and move on even when you do, and then you may lose friends in the process.