I don't see how you can rebuild if you are living separatly. It might help if there is a lot of anger or ambivalence but personally it would not work for me.

Nevermind That answered my question about counseling! My H and I separated and we are living apart now. It made me realize that I did miss him and care about him. It worked for us. Had I stayed it would have been a horrible situation. He questioned every move I made. I couldnt even take a shower without him in there. He would sit and watch me while I got ready for work and follow me around the house like I was a little kid. It drove me nuts! When i did move out it gave me the space I needed to think about things. I did continue to see the Om which was wrong but moving out did help me and him. He made several changes in his life that were very positive that I do not believe he would have made without the separation. I also am changing and working on myself. The space is helping us to grow as individuals and we needed that. I do believe that most people think a separation is the end. But its not. At least discuss it and see how she feels about it. Maybe she just needs the time to think.

I am three months into discovery of my Husband's affair. After being apart the first week after the discover, we have chosen to stay together. There have been times I thought that maybe we should be apart, but if we are away from each other he misses seeing me experience the range of emotions that I am going through. I would also miss the range of emotions that he is going through. It has been tough, but how do you work on rebuilding a marriage living in separate locations?

Here is the response I posted in "Cheaters and Betrayeds":

I think that if the affair is over and there is no contact with the OP and couple truly wants to rebuild it is not a good idea. Following an affair a BS generally feels insecure, unloved and rejected. I think that the CS needs to do all he/she can to help the BS overcome these feelings and to try to build trust back with the BS. If the couple has separated this is difficult to do. If the BS feels that the CS wants to be away from them the feelings of rejection and insecurity are going to increase and because the CS is living separately there is no way, other than words which a BS generally puts little value in after deception, to show the BS that there is no contact or to be truly transparent which will build back trust.

Also if the spouses are living separately many times they tend to become accustomed to living apart. They begin to feel more comfortable having things their way rather than compromising. They get used to sleeping alone and not having their spouse around and doing things for them. This can make getting back together and getting used to sleeping with someone else, doing things for them, and compromising more difficult. Psychologists say that if you do something that is different from your normal routine for three weeks or more the thing you are doing differently then becomes the new accepted routine.

Sometimes BSs need space to work out their emotions after learning about the affair and the CS should give them that space, but I think living apart is extreme. The CSs should be there for their spouse when they want them there to show they are committed. They should be physically present but leave them alone when the BS says they need space.

If the affair is still going on and the CS won't end it, or is still maintaining contact then I think a separation is necessary until the affair is over and the CS can commit and stick to no contact. Nothing is more hurtful to a BS than witnessing their partners betrayal and cheating in one way or another whether it be by finding evidence of the affair like seeing the calls on the caller ID, hearing secret phone calls, finding items or evidence, seeing secret emails, experiencing the cheating spouses distance, or having to deal with the CSs absence and unavailability when they are sneaking off to be with the OP. If this is happening a separation is a good idea. It also gives the CS a taste of what life without their spouse will be like and makes them recognize what they will be losing. They often come to appreciate what they took for granted and this often brings an end to the affair.

My H and I are currently having an In House Separation. He is living downstairs, I am upstairs. It was my decision to do this. My A ended almost two months ago and since than I have been an emotional wreck and an absolute bitch to my H which he does not deserve. I bounced the idea off my counselor and she thought it was a good idea #1 so I could clear my head of the noise with the A ending #2 I could reflect on my feelings for my H and see if they can be rekindled. This time apart has helped me tremendously. Yes, it hurt my H at first, but he understands. His wife is not happy and needs this space to find myself again. I told him this is time for BOTH of us to reflect on how we got to this point in our relationship. While I don't blame my H for the A, he takes ownership in being emotionally unavailable to me and neglecting me. We are continuing counseling together throughout our separation. The schedule we have set up is simple so we can both be there for the kids. We still eat dinner every night as a family and then we trade off every other night who gets the kids. Sunday is a family day. Its working well in our case. The kids were my main concern. They realize something is going on, but I have explained it to them that mommy and daddy are taking a time out and having there own quiet time for awhile so we can feel better. If I don't take this time for me and find myself and feel what I need to feel after the A, I will be no good to this marriage because my mind and heart is elsewhere. With the time and space, I am growing to miss my H and realize I want my family back. We all greive differently. For me, I need to cry when I want to cry and not have to explain every emotion. I need my space and everything will be alright. I just know it.

We did the in house seperation for about 3 weeks, it did not help my wife and it made me miserable. It actually drifted us apart.

right after discovery, we did not co-habitate. He stayed at his brother's who happens to be married to an old friend of mine and it was a good thing because I knew from their constant watch on his emails, phone, etc. that he had ended the A and constantly was crying and telling them about how much he lost. for us, it helped to be apart to make the heart grow fonder, to appreciate that we really loved each other madly deeply.. we spoke on the phone a lot, esp. at bedtime, and he would all but beg for the chance to see me face to face each day. He got to feel the absence of our kids too and see what he risked there. For me, I am not one that likes space between him and me, but I do like solitude. I needed to have our bedroom to myself as a refuge for crying spells that I did not want my kids to be witness to and time to write in my journal or talk to a friend on the phone with privacy. He came over and helped around the house more than he usually did before with dinner, etc. and he respected my choice each night when I told him he couldn't stay the night. He asked me on dates, sometimes we had doorstep scenes, or old time makeouts in the car... it worked to rekindle our relationship. When I invited him to move back in, he almost wept and kept saying how grateful he was, and we celebrated in a way with some bubbly that night. I later wondered if it was too soon ( it had been a month) because I was still so raw emotionally that he had to deal with my anger, etc. but he has helped me through it like was mentioned above- he has seen the full range of emotions and accepted them without judging me. Sometimes I go for drives or to a friends or for a gno now to deal with it all. I just thought I'd share my story that it did work for us to separate ( not legally) but also not in a way that is in-house arrest, or gives way for the A to continue or trust to be knocked around, we found conditions that worked and his attitude being remorseful and grateful was immensely helpful. If there is space, there also needs to be ways to reconnect put into the equation.

I think I am wanting a separation to see if I can handle being by myself. To see if it would be better not have him around. That I can survive and be happy with out him. Divorce is just so final. I feel that if he is not around I can get over him, get him out of my system.

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