Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
I still occasionally read H's email. Not as often or as compulsively as I used to, but certainly, I peek in now and again. I happened to notice his sister was sending a weird exchange of emails - basically, "Did you get it yet?" and then "Let me know when you get that thing I sent!" It seemed odd, but it IS Christmas time. Finally he wrote her back and said, "I got the box Mom and Dad sent for us, was it in there?"
This is where things get weird. "No. Check at work. If you don't get it I'm kicking [your secretary's] ass." Umkay? Why is she sending stuff to his work? And what does the secretary have to do with anything?
It's been bugging me. I've dropped some openers for him to tell me about it. "I noticed there wasn't anything from your sis in the box from your parents. That's odd, she usually sends you a little something..." Nothing. Yes, I know, immature. I should just say, "I read your email. What's going on?" But I guess I'm still testing him to see if he'll be forthright. He wasn't. Just, "Oh, I didn't know. I didn't look at the gifts."
Finally, today during Christmas dinner his sister texts wishing him a Merry Christmas. I laid my cards on the table and said, "Oh, that reminds me. Did you ever get the present she sent you to your office?" Here's where it gets weird. He got quiet. You know? Hand in the cookie jar quiet. I mean, it was a simple yes/no answer. Then after some uncomfortable posturing he said yes. Then when I asked what it was why she sent it to his office and what the secretary had to do with it, he got weird again. "Oh. I was going to use it with you next week." So... it has to be kept a secret? And why is he using it "with me" if it's a present from his sister?
Anyway, he finally said, "Do you want me to tell you? I guess I could tell you." WTF, why wouldn't you tell me? If we're using it together anyway, why not tell me? "It's a gift certificate to the sandwich shop near my office." OK, first of all it's a little mom and pop place. I don't even think they DO gift certificates. But maybe they do. Or maybe they did because of the circumstances. Who knows? Who cares. Why is that such a big secret. And seriously? If *that* is his idea of some "big secret surprise" he has to keep quiet about I'm reaaaaally disappointed. "Gee, I didn't want to spoil it, my sister and I decided to buy you a car," OK I can see that being a big surprise, but a gift certificate to a sandwich shop?
Inside I was raging. I guess this is the part I need help with. I'm SO angry because it's just about his stupid sister so who cares, but WHY IS HE KEEPING SECRETS? Why am I SO upset about this stupid "secret" which doesn't even matter? Why didn't he just say, "Oh! Yeah, my sister did this really cool thing where she called the secretary and arranged to have her buy a gift certificate for the sandwich shop for me. Isn't that neat!"
And why didn't his sister call me and ask me what he'd actually want? The sandwich shop is NEVER open when H works, so even though it's close to his office, he'll never use the gift certificate (unless it's to go out with me/the kids.) I don't hold him responsible for her actions, but it bothers me that his family has always treated me like some leper and steered away from me completely.
Anyway. It's Christmas and I've spent the day stewing over this mad, and I don't know what to do with it. I'm sure in a few days, it'll float from my mind and I won't think about it unless I'm reminded of it, but I also know that if he does try to take me there, I'll be too angry to go and enjoy it. I don't know how/if to talk to him about this.
I hate secrets, now. Hate. I knew almost every single thing he gave me for Christmas because I was with him while he shopped. I don't even care. Better to be without surprises than to be lied to and secrets feel too much like lies.
Any advice?
This is where things get weird. "No. Check at work. If you don't get it I'm kicking [your secretary's] ass." Umkay? Why is she sending stuff to his work? And what does the secretary have to do with anything?
It's been bugging me. I've dropped some openers for him to tell me about it. "I noticed there wasn't anything from your sis in the box from your parents. That's odd, she usually sends you a little something..." Nothing. Yes, I know, immature. I should just say, "I read your email. What's going on?" But I guess I'm still testing him to see if he'll be forthright. He wasn't. Just, "Oh, I didn't know. I didn't look at the gifts."
Finally, today during Christmas dinner his sister texts wishing him a Merry Christmas. I laid my cards on the table and said, "Oh, that reminds me. Did you ever get the present she sent you to your office?" Here's where it gets weird. He got quiet. You know? Hand in the cookie jar quiet. I mean, it was a simple yes/no answer. Then after some uncomfortable posturing he said yes. Then when I asked what it was why she sent it to his office and what the secretary had to do with it, he got weird again. "Oh. I was going to use it with you next week." So... it has to be kept a secret? And why is he using it "with me" if it's a present from his sister?
Anyway, he finally said, "Do you want me to tell you? I guess I could tell you." WTF, why wouldn't you tell me? If we're using it together anyway, why not tell me? "It's a gift certificate to the sandwich shop near my office." OK, first of all it's a little mom and pop place. I don't even think they DO gift certificates. But maybe they do. Or maybe they did because of the circumstances. Who knows? Who cares. Why is that such a big secret. And seriously? If *that* is his idea of some "big secret surprise" he has to keep quiet about I'm reaaaaally disappointed. "Gee, I didn't want to spoil it, my sister and I decided to buy you a car," OK I can see that being a big surprise, but a gift certificate to a sandwich shop?
Inside I was raging. I guess this is the part I need help with. I'm SO angry because it's just about his stupid sister so who cares, but WHY IS HE KEEPING SECRETS? Why am I SO upset about this stupid "secret" which doesn't even matter? Why didn't he just say, "Oh! Yeah, my sister did this really cool thing where she called the secretary and arranged to have her buy a gift certificate for the sandwich shop for me. Isn't that neat!"
And why didn't his sister call me and ask me what he'd actually want? The sandwich shop is NEVER open when H works, so even though it's close to his office, he'll never use the gift certificate (unless it's to go out with me/the kids.) I don't hold him responsible for her actions, but it bothers me that his family has always treated me like some leper and steered away from me completely.
Anyway. It's Christmas and I've spent the day stewing over this mad, and I don't know what to do with it. I'm sure in a few days, it'll float from my mind and I won't think about it unless I'm reminded of it, but I also know that if he does try to take me there, I'll be too angry to go and enjoy it. I don't know how/if to talk to him about this.
I hate secrets, now. Hate. I knew almost every single thing he gave me for Christmas because I was with him while he shopped. I don't even care. Better to be without surprises than to be lied to and secrets feel too much like lies.
Any advice?
Assuming he's all on the up and up here, I can see him thinking its not such a big deal, and it might be a nice surprise for you. It obviously didn't cross his mind how something like this could potentially set your insecurities about the A off.
Probably best when you go to that sandwich shop with him, to have a talk, letting him know you didn't mean to get so defensive about it, but because of what happened, you can't handle any kind of secrets, even "good" ones. For you, it's just once of the consequences of the A. In time, that will lessen, but it hasn't yet, and he should avoid keeping even good or minor secrets from you.
We talked about it at length. You're right - in his mind it was just a date thing for us to do that I hadn't thought of. He's not very original and will almost always pick something I've decided to do before, so he wanted to do something we hadn't, according to his explanation. He was dismayed at receiving the gift certificate in the first place since he doesn't visit that particular sandwich shop, and figured he'd turn it into a good thing.
It was a productive discussion, I think. (hope) It left us both sad - he because he feels like he's ruined everything and can't do anything right and me because I *hate* being so ultra sensitive. I can't turn it off, though. The best I can do is ride out each wave as it comes and hope I don't botch it and end up making an ass of myself. Well. More than usual.
H has spent most of the last almost 20 years together living very independently, making very independent choices, and mostly just NOT being a "partner". He has spent money when he wanted without consultation, he has changed jobs, even initiated moves to other states without getting my input or agreement. He's also been very closed. All that *had* to stop in order for me to regain any footing with the marriage, and to be fair, he's made immense progress in all of those areas.
I have to remind myself of that. I have to remind myself that he sat down with me and asked me my opinion and advice about a trip we're taking next summer without prodding. He told me about texts (innocuous, but still something that would have itched at me if he hadn't brought it to me first) and he's /mostly/ kept his cool and calm when I've asked him questions and prodded at him when my insecurities got the best of me.
A year. It's been a year. It's gotten easier, but we've definitely hit a plateau in healing. Not sure how to get over this particular hump. Hopefully, getting past the holidays will help.
In this case though, you clearly gave him several opportunities to tell you about the deal with his sister and he chose not to ... in my mind that's a pattern of behavior at that point so I would have asked him too.
You handled this well!!
And know that these things tend to improve in spurts. Plateaus are expected from time to time. It isn't a straight line up to healing, after all. You'll get through this period.
I mean I think most of us equate secret with dirty secret, lie, or deception, so I surely get that.
But considering, like you said, he's made some good changes (which I think were needed anyways), and hopefully will incorporate you in more of his decision-making! I know i, too get aggravated, when my H makes a huge purchase without my input (like buying a car). I suppose it make me feel like he is reducing my input, or doesn't care to hear it! Either way, I do like to consult him, and loves when he chats it up with me!