I think you got a special gift yesterday because it sounded like a very sincere apology. My H is very sorry about what happened but he just can not express it very well. I wish I had such an emotional response because I think it would help me let go of some of my pain. I need to know that my H understands what his betrayal did to me. He would fall down in tears if he saw the pain and anguish and torn up soul that I carry around with me now. I understand how you feel about losing the time with your spouse. Right now I am struggling trying to redefine the last 22 years of our marriage. Do they amount for anything when you find yourself torn asunder by an A?

I'm very happy for you that you got to see how sorry he was. My H has cried to me about how sorry he is, but our pain is fresh... I am still within my first yr of trying to rebuild...

Keep being positive, and work towards forgiveness. I don't think any of us want to lose our partners if they truly do regret the pain they have caused by their actions.

Continued success to you both.

Thank-you for sharing this anguished and also yours thebeachret............I am so with you both. I feel so shattered and still carry around so much pain. It has been a year and a half since Dday for me. We have been married 29 1/2 years. I am not doing very good as far as accepting what all has taken place. I do still have anger that comes up sometimes, and I say things that make H angry and then it goes into a big fight. Horrible!!!! Our marriage didn't use to be this way. After 3 affairs over a 10 year span I can relate to needing to ''redefine" these lost years. They all seem like a charade to me. Nothing really real.

I agree you did receive a very special and profound apology gift. It makes me feel sad that we have to look at things like this as gifts in our marriage. It makes me sad that we couldn't just be dealing with the normal ups and downs in life rather than this ugly reality. I guess this is just my view from the "still not being able to accept this in our marriage" angle. I do agree too that it does help knowing when H is feeling regret and remorse for what he has done. It helps knowing they are carrying a little of the burden.

I think this is a very positive step. I hope things will continue to go in the right direction for both of your marriages. I do certainly relate to what both of you say about still having feelings of anger, pain and anguish.

Even though my reply may not sound like it, it did help me a lot hearing about your experiences. Gives me a glimmer of hope since there is no way around infidelity, but facing it head on............

Thanks for all your comments and encouragement. It has been 8 months since dday and the most difficult time in my life.

Being on the receiving end of an A sucks but you should feel very blessed to have had your husband say that. If my wife ever said that to me that would be the first day since DDAY 2 years ago that I would let my emotions flow, and flow they did for the oppositie reason 2 years ago. I would never ask her to because I would never trust that it was sincere. So, I think that is a great sign for you and your marriage. Anger at 8 months post DDAY, you bet. You deserve to feel anger but you will get past the anger. If you can get into marriage counseling or at least individual counseling it would be very helpful. I would not still be married if not for the help of both in my marriage.

We all wish the A never happened. I have always felt that before you could get married that you had to pass a course on seeing what the effects of an A has on a spouse and what it does to the betrayer. You would have to see the pain, torture, and lost of trust among just a few things that the A does to the betrayed. Seeing how the betrayed world is blown up would do wonders to preventing many affairs from happening. Maybe like have a renewal date on your drivers license, you would have to go through the class again to remind you of the effects of an A. I wish I was in charge of Marriage Licensing.

I am happy for you. Hope more good days are in your way.

Speaking of redefing the earlier years (ours was 32) I let the first A go-- but this time I gave him back my wedding ring--and said this marriage is over--died a sad death...and we shall see what the next marriage will become--and I mean it.
We may renew vows if we continue to heal.
But we will never be happily ever after again...