Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
I was reading "The Accidental Tourist" this week. I love the movie, and found the book at a used Book Store a few weeks ago.
The character was talking about loss...She said:
"I feel like a Gold Star mom. (to explain, that means a parent who has lost a child in a war) Like someone who's suffered a loss in a war, and then forever afterward she has to go on supporting the war; she has to support it louder than anyone else, because otherwise she'd be admitting the loss was for no purpose..."
For some reason that really spoke to me. We've suffered this "loss" in our relationship, but we've decided to stay and rebuild. We must support our decision, loudly at times. We must be strong, like a Gold Star mom. We can't change the loss, it is always going to be with us, but we must press on. We can't support our marriages without being strong and loud, even though at times we feel completely destroyed at our foundation.
The character was talking about loss...She said:
"I feel like a Gold Star mom. (to explain, that means a parent who has lost a child in a war) Like someone who's suffered a loss in a war, and then forever afterward she has to go on supporting the war; she has to support it louder than anyone else, because otherwise she'd be admitting the loss was for no purpose..."
For some reason that really spoke to me. We've suffered this "loss" in our relationship, but we've decided to stay and rebuild. We must support our decision, loudly at times. We must be strong, like a Gold Star mom. We can't change the loss, it is always going to be with us, but we must press on. We can't support our marriages without being strong and loud, even though at times we feel completely destroyed at our foundation.
Something cynical in me screams that if we stand up, proud like a Gold Star mom, despite our loss... what are we supporting? Adultery? The fact that our MM got to enjoy the thrill of illicit sex? My loss of a pure marriage, broken vows, all the pain involved, the loss of my and our family's respect... was this a loss for a decent purpose? NO!
"because otherwise she'd be admitting the loss was for no purpose..."
Sadly, I feel like the loss was for no purpose (other than his selfish, egotistical, narcissistic fulfillment).
OK, I know you really mean that we are supporting MARRIAGE... but it was my first thought. Maybe I need more coffee...
To give up would negate the entire purpose of our marriage.
I know that everyone's situation is different. In our case, the A was a direct result of something else going on in our family. It was ugly and continues to haunt us to this very day. As a matter of fact, it is looming large and hideous at this very moment.
It was something we had no control over, and the way we both reacted was damaging.
If I would have given up on the marriage, all that pain, of both situations, would have become worthless. Instead, we've faced it down and not allowed it to destroy us. In many ways we are stronger now, having seen how entirely weak we both have the potential to be.
The quote spoke to me on a very deep level, but I realize the parallels aren't as relevant for everyone.
From the ashes of infidelity we've nurtured this partnership and learned from all the bad that's happened... and made it so good... what would be the point otherwise?
I am certainly an advocate of repairing and rebuilding, and believe strongly in marriage and my vows. While it sounds a little out there to some, I would assume that the two of you would agree that in spite of the hurt, something very good has come forward. This new connection is stronger and more fulfilling than the prior marriage. My eyes are open wider and I am more aware of our weaknesses and strengths. Loud and strong. I am trying to help others reach the level I have reached. And I look to people like Loving and Rel to show me that there is more reward to be gained by continuing to work.
There is always something to be learned through our misfortunes. I'm sorry if I expressed myself as disagreeing. I do agree. Just having struggles with lots of outside factors today.
I'm a coffee freak so I totally understand!
It's equally important for everyone to see when we KNOW we have posted from a cynical point of view.
All views are good here. It's what makes this place so special. You never know when something you post might help someone else in their journey.