Wow.....we have a lot in common....our thought and D-day are the same....good luck!!

As a cheater, I can answer one of your questions: my low self esteem led to my affair, and YES, now I feel like more of a loser than ever. I am so ashamed that I did this to my husband who I really do love very much.... I didn't feel loved by him or respected by him (probably part true and part my insecurity), and that's why I was drawn in when another man said he loved me.

All stupid and pointless, since what I really want is my marriage.

Oh, and I can answer another one of your questions: does the pain ever go away? I sure hope so. But... My husband cheated on me 8 years ago and I *thought* we were past that .... but maybe that was where my sense of not being loved or respected came from.

No, my affair wasn't "payback" -- not after all this time. I think it was just years of feeling not good enough that made me susceptible to another man's attention.

I can only reflect on my situation and my marriage...

Q. How could he love me and still do this to me?
A. A SA is not always about searching for love... Men can compartmentalize their feelings more easily than women and having sex with someone doesn't mean there was intimacy. The answer to this question is not easily put into words. It usually creates more questions. I have taken the fact that he still loves me and is remorseful as the proof that the love was never really gone.

Q. How will I ever feel loved again by someone who hurt me so badly?
A. Only by actions matching the words.

Q. What if he does love me, but I just can't feel it through all the pain?
A. He could not remove my pain despite all of his right actions. I had to choose whether I could let go of the pain or not. I have let it go for the most part.

Q. What if I stay with him but he doesn't really love me?
A. When you can allow yourself to stop focusing on your internal pain and turn your feelings outward to each other, you will know why he is staying in the relationship.

Q. Would I have a better chance at a happy relationship with someone new?
A. Only you can answer that but not letting go of the pain will be with you in every relationship down the road.

Q. Will I ever have sex with him again without thinking of him being with her?
A. At 16 months past d-day, I still struggle with this. It get easier with time but it takes a lot of effort. I am getting much better a kicking her out of our bed.

Q. Will I ever feel as wanted, desired and cherished again - as I did before the A... because I do not feel that way now but I remember what it felt like and I miss it
A. You will never be as carefree as you were before the A but his actions will let you know. It's up to us to allow those feelings to be planted and grow.

Q. Will my life always be this crazy roller coaster where I think I am making it through the day, trying to make it a good day, and almost anything can reduce me to a hysterical crying puddle of sadness? A song on the radio, hearing a certain name, looking at a photo of my family -- anything!
A. Again, it's up to us to allow those triggers to affect us or not. If his actions match his words, it will get easier with time and some internal decisions.

Q. Will I always be haunted, every morning when I get dressed and look in the mirror, by what her body looks like compared to mine? Twenty years younger and not having had kids. Her body looks like mine did when I was her age.
A. YOU are not being fair to yourself. A childless body does not make someone attractive. What makes us attractive is what we are inside and how we feel about ourselves. Love is blind.

And here's the kicker...

If his low esteem drove him to have an affair...if he felt like such an out of work, non providing, non fatherly, non husbandly LOSER with nothing to offer...such a loser that he had to go find someone that was MORE OF A LOSER than he was to make him feel "big"....

Q. Then how the hell does he feel now?!?!?!?!
A. If he knows that his self esteem was the catalyst for the A, then he is that much more aware of himself.

Post affair...doesn't he feel like MORE of a loser? He took every single thing that was precious to me - my dreams, my hopes, our faithful marriage. He carelessly disrepected the many gifts we had been given - our love, our family, our children. For almost a year now, his wife walks around either mad or sad or angry or desperately trying to manage the suffering and move forward.

Q. So if low self esteem drove him to an affair...and I have seen that the shame about the affair drives him into a ball of self hatred that makes him shut himself off from me...what kind of future relationship is available to us?????
A. You can only do your part in the healing and rebuilding. He has to man up and seek some guidance to deal with his issues of low self esteem.

Q. Doesn't seem like much chance for happiness. What am I missing here? How do people get through this and come out the other side happier?
A. It takes BOTH people coming to grips with the issues that affect them personally. Your pain, his low self esteem. While being understanding and supporting each other is a major step, if you can't get past the personal issues, you have to seek help.

We are coming up one year since dday - the valentines day that changed my life forever -- and I am just really tired of all of this

Again, this is only my personal experience in our situation. The anniversary of d-day is fraught with emotion and revisiting our choices. I hope you can move past the day and and wake up on the 15th with a more positive outlook of the future.

Best to you...

Morgan....you summed it up perfectly....every question that you ask... are questions that I ask myself everyday....only difference is that my husband's affair was even more long term than your husband's and... its 2 yrs. for me since d-day...
I'm not having a good day today.. I have definitely had better..
all we can do is pray for guidance... and hope that healing will eventually come....
my prayers are for you and all of us here...

AMEN, to all of the above.

thank all of you for your thoughts. It helps immensely to know that I am not alone or feeling and thinking things that are not uncommon.

Here are my questions.

Will I ever be ever to get over this or will it haunt me the rest of my life?

I love him but it is a different type of love, is this type of love stronger or weaker?

I am getting better but I want freedom from the pain and grief, will it ever stop completely?

Is he worth it?

Why does this happen to so many wonderful women?

I will not put up with any crap, are my expectations so high that our marriage is doomed to fail despite all this effort?

Would I be happier and feel safer with a big dog and a gun?
Yes, I am kidding with the last one but only somewhat.

Okay so I totally read Morgans post wrong.

Most of my questions have been answered. It takes so much soul searching and reflection on our parts and we all know it's not easy. For me, a certain peace comes with knowing where I'm headed. Some of the questions I have or had will never be answered in a definitive way. Some of the questions will not be answered for many, many years. The answers to most of my questions had to come from me alone...

But for me, endlessly asking questions and searching for answers muddles my path to living in the here and now. I guess I'm past the point of indecision.

How could he love me and still do this to me?
My husband's affair had nothing to do with his love for me. We were both hurting and I retreated into booze. The OW was simply in the right place at the right time.

How will I ever feel loved again by someone who hurt me so badly?
My husband has done EVERYTHING we needed him to do to get beyond a really dark period in our lives.

What if he does love me, but I just can't feel it through all the pain?
You have to get past it. Like an old injury, it cannot define me or control what is happening now.

What if I stay with him but he doesn't really love me?
If I really believed he didn't love me, I wouldn't stay.

Would I have a better chance at a happy relationship with someone new?
In my case, no. I've been with my husband for over 33 years. He is my best friend. If he was gone, I would have no interest in looking for someone else.

Will I ever have sex with him again without thinking of him being with her?
Yes, you will. If he is doing everything he needs to to rebuild and regain your trust.

Will I ever feel as wanted, desired and cherished again - as I did before the A... because I do not feel that way now but I remember what it felt like and I miss it.
Again, yes. If your husband is doing everything you need and making you a priority.

Will my life always be this crazy roller coaster where I think I am making it through the day, trying to make it a good day, and almost anything can reduce me to a hysterical crying puddle of sadness? A song on the radio, hearing a certain name, looking at a photo of my family -- anything!
The roller coaster will end, if you are both working 100% at rebuilding. It takes time, we're at 15 months, and the crazy thoughts are lessening with each day.

Will I always be haunted, every morning when I get dressed and look in the mirror, by what her body looks like compared to mine? Twenty years younger and not having had kids. Her body looks like mine did when I was her age.
It's not about physic or body size. This is something that I have struggled with. But it's true.

And here's the kicker...

If his low esteem drove him to have an affair...if he felt like such an out of work, non providing, non fatherly, non husbandly LOSER with nothing to offer...such a loser that he had to go find someone that was MORE OF A LOSER than he was to make him feel "big"....

Then how the hell does he feel now?!?!?!?!
Those esteem issues have to be dealth with. Aside from the affair. You have to keep them separate.

Post affair...doesn't he feel like MORE of a loser? He took every single thing that was precious to me - my dreams, my hopes, our faithful marriage. He carelessly disrepected the many gifts we had been given - our love, our family, our children. For almost a year now, his wife walks around either mad or sad or angry or desperately trying to manage the suffering and move forward.
I work very hard at NOT beating him over the head with his mistakes. We've both screwed up. No one is perfect. I remember that every day.

So if low self esteem drove him to an affair...and I have seen that the shame about the affair drives him into a ball of self hatred that makes him shut himself off from me...what kind of future relationship is available to us?????
Counseling is necessary IMO. Self-hatred is a no win scenerio. It can become a pit of loss, and is reverse pride in many ways. Forgiveness, to the cheater, and for ourselves is necessary to get past thig.

Well, I might as well add my two cents. I am 3 years past D-Day. I rarely sign on to DS anymore but have not closed my acct. It has been a few months since I last checked in. Life is not perfect or "back to normal" but is better. We just had a huge fight but have not had a really huge fight for 6 or 8 months, so that is improvement. I depend a lot on my DS friends that I kept and I attend Alanon and therapy still (ind). I will answer the questions as I experience them 39 months post D-Day.


How could he love me and still do this to me?
I finally came to the conclusion that my husband did not love me as much as I thought he did or as much as I love him. I just could not conclude otherwise. What he did took continued planning, lying and scheming and was very cruel...and was done solely for selfish and superficial reasons. Not very loving. I do believe he loves me...and the experience of almost losing me...made him VERY aware of how much he loves me. He realized just how much he did (does) not want to lose me.

How will I ever feel loved again by someone who hurt me so badly?
I had to accept the reality of how very self-centered my husbvand can be. I had to fully accept that he is capable of causing me severe pain. He may not have known how much pain and he may have hoped I would never find out...but the risk was worth it to him...for the payoff he got. I know my husband loves me, I must always remember between the two of us, whom he loves most.

What if he does love me, but I just can't feel it through all the pain?
The pain lessens over time. Be realistic about how loved you will feel though. It will not feel as it did before you knew he was capable of betraying you. He may never betray you again but he will always be capable of betraying you.

What if I stay with him but he doesn't really love me?
Open your eyes and your heart and you will know how he feels about you. If he is there with you he likely loves you very much. The real reason to base a decision to stay or leave is "do you love him"?

Would I have a better chance at a happy relationship with someone new?
First, can you imagine being happier apart from your husband...alone?
Second, there is a lot of infidelity out there, stats are 75% or higher, so if fidelity = happy...then...? If just having a fresh start to do it over and maybe get it right this time is your goal, then maybe you should try again with your new wisdom.

Will I ever have sex with him again without thinking of him being with her?
Happy to say I NEVER think about her anymore...in bed or out! I might think of her when referring to her but never in flashbacks or as a trigger. That does go away, just let them come and go as they like and eventually they fade away. Dont pay too much attention to them, I think they like it when we get upset.

Will I ever feel as wanted, desired and cherished again - as I did before the A... because I do not feel that way now but I remember what it felt like and I miss it.
Sometimes I feel wanted and desired. Never cherished. Maybe someday?

Will my life always be this crazy roller coaster where I think I am making it through the day, trying to make it a good day, and almost anything can reduce me to a hysterical crying puddle of sadness? A song on the radio, hearing a certain name, looking at a photo of my family -- anything!
I and my husband learned to treat it like the flashbacks. Let it happen. Then it just stops having so much power and happens less and less. Now, about every 6 months, I get sad for a few days, sometimes I cry, then it goes away. The more attention you give and the more you fight it, the worse it is.

Will I always be haunted, every morning when I get dressed and look in the mirror, by what her body looks like compared to mine? Twenty years younger and not having had kids. Her body looks like mine did when I was her age.
I will.

And here's the kicker...

If his low esteem drove him to have an affair...if he felt like such an out of work, non providing, non fatherly, non husbandly LOSER with nothing to offer...such a loser that he had to go find someone that was MORE OF A LOSER than he was to make him feel "big"....

Then how the hell does he feel now?!?!?!?!
Those esteem issues have to be dealth with. Aside from the affair. You have to keep them separate.

Post affair...doesn't he feel like MORE of a loser? He took every single thing that was precious to me - my dreams, my hopes, our faithful marriage. He carelessly disrepected the many gifts we had been given - our love, our family, our children. For almost a year now, his wife walks around either mad or sad or angry or desperately trying to manage the suffering and move forward.
I work very hard at NOT beating him over the head with his mistakes. We've both screwed up. No one is perfect. I remember that every day.

So if low self esteem drove him to an affair...and I have seen that the shame about the affair drives him into a ball of self hatred that makes him shut himself off from me...what kind of future relationship is available to us?????
He must have treatment and genuine healing of some kind. My husband did AA and the 12 steps and therapy and he has changed dramatically. He has matured and is less selfish, although still selfish. There must be some effort put into healing the wounds that caused the problem.

There you go. Life goes on. I stay because I love my husband very much and do not want to leave him. He is faithful now, he has worked hard and continues to do so and he loves me. I accept that he is not the most unselfish person I know, he is who he is.

Wow - I am blown away by everyone's answers and also their own questions. Thank you to everyone who wrote answers and also those who added their own questions.

All of it is SO helpful to me in my quest to understand.

And it's nice (although strange) to read words written by others that I feel I could have written myself. I often feel so alone in this, it is comforting to know that others feel the same way.

Honey you are definitely NOT alone. I have seen a number of posts that I could have written myself too..(yours are some of them).

You are never alone here.

Wow, Nave and I'm glad you came back to respond. I've been thinking about you.