Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
It has been awhile since i have been on here. July was a tough month, August proved to be better... Both H and I are working so hard on restoring our marriage. Although my request that he read articles, etc., was met with resistance, he has finally come around and reads more frequently and sometimes even with a bit of enthusiasm.
I am not going to lie. The tough times.. Have been B A D... I will own my part in them.. In hindsight I realize my lashing out is often triggered by.. Welll... Triggers. I am working on them and using "tools" so they are not given life.
Once i realize from where the negativity takes root, I will talk with H about it.. More progress made.
HOWEVER, when we do have our setbacks, H often gets very angry and defensive. cruel things are said. Kind of cold, actually.
ZRecently, i spoke with him about joining a support group and giving him a short profile on where everyone is in their journey how they got there etc. (I attended the first 2 session, he did not as he commutes LD., but has met with moderators ) anyway..In anger, he threw the group in my face, compared their plights to ours, felt as though because his was just a ons.. it isn't as bad as a long term affair, etc. has anyone's spouse done this? Yes, i will agree that some costs of the pain of sexual infidelity are far worse than others, but aren't many of the costs the same? Aren't there too many variables?
I have been upset by this and feel as though some of the wind has been let out of my sails... Kind of feeling as though... Wow... He just does not get it. I don't think ones pain should ever be compared to another.
I am just so sad about this. I see him make so much progress and then he makes such an insensitive remark.
I am guessing this will upset a few of us on here. And maybe i am wrong. Maybe a long term affair is worse than a one might stand. But did the couple of the long term affair love as much and as hard as the ons couple who have been married for 25 years? Was their full disclosure or years of more deceit and cover up. See.. Too many variables. How can a comment like that really be made without walking in the other's shoes.
So to simplify. Does the type of sexual affair matter? And DOES IT even matter? Isn't the point in all of this to heal OURselves and OUR marriages?
Okay ...thanks for listening and i am open to "hearing" every opinion on this!
I am not going to lie. The tough times.. Have been B A D... I will own my part in them.. In hindsight I realize my lashing out is often triggered by.. Welll... Triggers. I am working on them and using "tools" so they are not given life.
Once i realize from where the negativity takes root, I will talk with H about it.. More progress made.
HOWEVER, when we do have our setbacks, H often gets very angry and defensive. cruel things are said. Kind of cold, actually.
ZRecently, i spoke with him about joining a support group and giving him a short profile on where everyone is in their journey how they got there etc. (I attended the first 2 session, he did not as he commutes LD., but has met with moderators ) anyway..In anger, he threw the group in my face, compared their plights to ours, felt as though because his was just a ons.. it isn't as bad as a long term affair, etc. has anyone's spouse done this? Yes, i will agree that some costs of the pain of sexual infidelity are far worse than others, but aren't many of the costs the same? Aren't there too many variables?
I have been upset by this and feel as though some of the wind has been let out of my sails... Kind of feeling as though... Wow... He just does not get it. I don't think ones pain should ever be compared to another.
I am just so sad about this. I see him make so much progress and then he makes such an insensitive remark.
I am guessing this will upset a few of us on here. And maybe i am wrong. Maybe a long term affair is worse than a one might stand. But did the couple of the long term affair love as much and as hard as the ons couple who have been married for 25 years? Was their full disclosure or years of more deceit and cover up. See.. Too many variables. How can a comment like that really be made without walking in the other's shoes.
So to simplify. Does the type of sexual affair matter? And DOES IT even matter? Isn't the point in all of this to heal OURselves and OUR marriages?
Okay ...thanks for listening and i am open to "hearing" every opinion on this!
I admire the work you (both) have put in and hope the BAD days get better. It's hard to hang in there when things get ugly or when the pain you're trying to work through gets dismissed or excused.
As for my opinion on the matter, the type, the length, the amount of emotional commitment, the types of sexual activities - no. They don't really put a betrayal on a scale. "Oh? You only had sex 8 time? Well, thank GOD it wasn't 10, or I couldn't forgive you!" Hahah. That just sounds stupid and silly. ONE lie hurts like crazy. One affair is devastation. Multiple transgressions or transgressions lasting a longer time doesn't (for me - and I will make that qualifier) hurt worse - it just makes it harder to trust again.
If you were clinging to your cloak of being a victim, I could understand your hisband's frustration - but it sounds like you are genuinely trying to move forward and make things better. In the meantime, you not only have a right to your feelings, but a responsibility to yourself to feel what you feel and work through those feelings. No, you don't have a right to act however you want on those feelings, but you have a right to have them.
I don't think a marriage can be rebuilt well if the pain the bs feels isn't aknowledge ands respected.
However ANY attempt to minimize your feelings is WRONG!
Otherwise, he just didn't get it....
No matter the situation, each type of infidelity has its pain, and it is impossible to compare one person's pain to another, or what it might have been if the circumstances were different.
Bottom line, betrayal is betrayal whether it was a one-time event of a few minutes or a 5-year affair of the heart. In any betrayal the loss of trust and security is the same. Those two issues are the basis of our pain. All the other issues either relieve or worsen that pain.
Ask him this. If he was a boss and discovered a bookkeeper employee had embezzled money from the company, how much less of lost trust and feeling of betrayal would you have to discover they'd only done it once as opposed to multiple times a year or more? Would he feel free to keep the first bookkeeper on the payroll just because it only happened once, that he knows of?
The act of betrayal happens in a second. Everything after that is just digging the hole deeper or working to repair the damage.
I do think it matters a lot. In fact I would trade with you in an instant. One night stand seems like nothing for me right now. Or when I think about somebody whose affair resulted in a child. Or a woman whose husband cheated on her with over a hundred men. Or there is a woman on Cheaters Anonymous board who has cheated on her husband many years ago, left him for her AP partner, this fell apart after two years (duh!), she remarried her husband only to resume her affair with the same OM...... Well, I bet her husband would give a lot for his wife to have a one ONS instead.
I could make a long list why I think it is "better" (sound so wrong to use this word considering circumstances) but not sure if it would be helping. Let me know if you want to hear it though.
Interestingly enough what happened to you is what my husband"s therapist was concerned about. I found a sex addict workshop that I thought might be worth trying. My husband was willing to go. His therapist strongly advised against it - he knew that people who would be there would be true and severe sex addicts which would make my husband feel like his offense was nothing by comparison..... This is what your husband thought.... Look, I am almost innocent compared to others.... what do you want from me.....
Having said that - it does not change the principle. He did cheat on you. You are hurting. If he wants you, he needs to do what you need him to do to heal.
I just reread you message. Does he really compare your pain to someone else;s pain or is he just trying to make himself feel less terrible about what he did by comparing the level of wrongdoing? Perhaps reminding him regularly that it's not about him and what he did but about you and how you feel about it would help? Perhaps focusing on your pain and not on your anger while talking to him would help him be less defensive and subsequently less attacking? Let anger out in therapy session. Let him see your pain not anger.
I appreciate it so much.
Since my original post, my husband and i have had a few very in depth heart to hearts and we have taken a few steps forward!
I realized that one of the things hindering some progress was a lack of true empathy and feeling as though my husband just had a black and white way of looking at our situation without taking into consideration OUR marriage, OUR history, or the other destructive behavior, etc that took place PRIOR to the ons and that no mater the "level" of infidelity the pain is real, present and and it is "mine " and cannot be measured against another. It is a journey unique to everyone. This is how "i"feel. This is about US.
In the past 10 days, i have noticed a difference in him... And myself. I am better about speaking up -in a positive way - about what i need and he has become more empathetic!our marriage feels more solid than it has in a long time.
HOPEFUL.
I am thankful to read that you and your husband have had a few very in depth heart to heart talks.
I am glad that you and your husband took some steps forward and that you are feeling hopeful.
I pray that you and your H will experience more hope and healing in the days to come on this often difficult journey of highs and lows and taking steps forwards and backwards. I am 4.5 years out from Dday. It is hard to believe it has been that long and that in Feb '15 it will be a whole 5 years since Dday.
Hang in there, gettingback.
"Does the type of sexual affair matter? And DOES IT even matter? Isn't the point in all of this to heal OURselves and OUR marriages?
The type DOES matter, and the point in all of this is to heal ourselves, but one cannot heal without knowing what it is you are healing from. Once you know the type of crime and extent to which it has been committed, you are in a better position to know how to go forward. It would be like saying all thieves, murderers and child molesters are alike and what difference does it make?
The type of betrayal, the length it occurred, the extent of betrayal and the duplicity involved, most certainly makes a difference, a huge difference. The variables that have to be dealt with before you can begin to think about forgiveness, let alone reconciliation, are far greater and more complex.
I am not belittling what has happened to you because you have been betrayed, but you cannot compare a one time offender to a serial offender, if you're trying to compare apples to pears.
When a BS has to deal with multiple years and layers of cheating, lying and deceit, or have to deal with a sex addiction, or have to deal with their CS falling in love with the AP, or their CS is leaving for the AP, or the CS has drained bank accounts, etc., it makes a huge difference.