It is the lie that it getting to you. And it should! When my H told me he had been having a yearlong A with a co-worker, he later minimized it to "although it had been over the past year, they had only got together a "few" times" due to work, family & other obligations. WTF? He further went on to say that he had been feeling like he was aging fast, that she meant nothing to him and told her from the get go that he would never leave me. But, at yet another point, he said that he had fallen in love with her - cuz really what kind of guy would just fuck someone and not have feelings for them? He was all over the place.

The reason it matters is because your H lied. Whether the A is over between them or not is, at this point, irrelevant. The fact that it is now 2011 and this happened in 2007 or earlier means that he has been lying that whole time. How can you trust someone that does that? Especially someone that supposedly is committed to you? You have every right to be concerned about this and your H needs to step, take responsibility and most of all, and tell you EVERYTHING if he wants a shot at saving his marriage. That's the only way you can both go forward, IMO.

I agree with Desttin. If he wont tell you the truth how can you trust him to be truthful in the future. Does he know that. Maybe telling him that you need to rebuild your trust and it can't be done if he is not completely truthful. I feel the same way. I needed to know everything including the timing and I couldn't even begin to heal if I didn't get that. Hugs

Your right it is the lie that is bothering me and being able to trust my H. I know it's over and believe it won't happen again. I know he knows how serious I am and that he wants our marriage to work. He's going to counseling and we are going to MC and he's doing the right things.

He swears he's telling me the truth and part of me believes him but there's that side that is afraid because I don't have the proof in front of me. So I guess I wonder how you move on when you don't have proof. I have proof it's over just not proof of when it started... Should that matter?

Anguished how did you know he was telling you the truth about the timing? My H says he's telling me the truth and wants to rebuild my trust in him. He gave me a ring on mother's day as a committment ring that is a symbol of his love and committment to me and our future with a hope to renew our vows.

Btw, normally don't feel like this but Dday is coming up next month and we've been talking about it and I find the lead up is always worse than the actually day. It's like PMS before the period, I guess you could say PMS before the Dday.

cec, honey, oh boy do I feel you on this! I found out after the fact too. My H had a workplace A too. I suspected while it was occurring, but he denied. He never would have told me about it, but the OW whack job sent me a FB message revealing the A. According to my H, she threw in details that were lies. For example, her time frame was much longer than his. Obviously, it has been sooooo hard to believe his version because he lied to me for so long. However, this whack job has proven her mental instability and that she is a liar. That coupled with the fact that he hasn't changed his story one bit in almost 2 years and he has owned what he did, that he was a weak, selfish jackass and that he has been wonderful since dday, I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. I used to fear that shoe falling too, that the whack job would surface again and bring new details that would prove my H a liar, but I'm done fearing that. I gave all my fears and doubts to God and I have decided to focus on the present and look forward to a great future. My H and I have a renewed love and passion and I do not want to waste anymore time lamenting and fearing. This is so hard, but the past is gone. We do have to let it go at some point. Sending you support.

I believed him because he was forth coming of all the details so why would he lie about that. His affair was over 4 years but he couldn't remember when it started. The OW told me it was longer but in her version we weren't even living in this city. So I will never know exactly how long it when on but approximately and that is good enough for me.

My husband had a hard time with the time lines too. He tried to defend it by saying that they "only" had coffee, lunch and dinner for the first year AT LEAST until it became physical. Oh, like that matters, lol. I wanted details, details and more details. We own our own business and I dug up every mileage log, lunch receipt etc. for 4 years. There are still some details that I'm unclear on but he holds fast to his story. Some days it annoys the heck out of me, and some days I can just let it go. I know I have to move forward and put this in the past already, but the pain, frustration and underlying anger just keep holding me there. Right now, any lie, white, black or brown is a HUGE deal at this point, so I completely get what you are saying. Why can't they just tell it like it was "completely" and let us heal??

I guess my situation didn't leave me any doubt as to when it started. I knew. Not the last A, but the whole series of affairs. The day she decided to flirt back, he flipped a switch in her that she suddenly went from a "take it or leave it, once or twice a month is more than plenty" attitude about sex to craving it every day. And when I discovered the A, it was by a keylogger on the computer, and she confessed most of it to some guy online she was having a minor emotional affair with, and she spilled the beans in that conversation about most of what had happened from the time the first guy flipped her switch. So when I confronted her, I knew most of the truth, and when she confessed, I knew that she was telling me everything, as she told me everything I knew that had happened, and filled in other details as well that I didn't know.

That said, if you don't have proof, and it is unlikely you'll ever get any, it may be counterproductive to fret over when it began. He may be lying again, for sure. But, he may be telling the truth. And is knowing that worth sabotaging the relationship over, especially if he is being honest about it?

Truth is, the doubt will probably always be there short of further revelations (which only increases the doubt), so it comes down to whether you can be in the relationship not knowing that, and conditionally taking his word for it until further information comes along convicting him of lying again, or not.

But I would stress to him, as i did my wife when she was confessing, to tell you everything, because if we come down a month or seven later and discover he didn't tell you everything, it will only damage the trust that much more, and make it that much more likely that you'll leave him.

To me, a relationship is built on mutual trust. Without it, relationships, no matter what else they have going for them, don't work. And the only way a CS can rebuild that trust is being totally honest and open about everything. I mean, everything. Every detail, hold nothing back the BS wants to know about, and give it willingly. I'm thankful my wife has done that and is one reason why we have done as well as we have thus far.